We ask ‘Decking – is it the new ‘patio’ for middle-class serial killers?’

serial killer

As our thoughts now turn to Spring, gardening and disposing of human remains, we have many options available to us in terms of hiding the evidence and keeping a tidy lawn. Proud homeowners will opt for decking to give their outside living space a real wow factor and give sniffer dogs a real puzzle.

Lockdown has put an unfamiliar strain on families, often resulting in not one but multiple murders. Loved ones crammed into the chest freezer need to make room for ice lollies, and there is only so long that you can keep your husband’s carcass in the loft before he starts to smell.

Camouflaging mass graves is normally a skill acquired by working for the CIA or during a pandemic, but decking is an affordable solution that also provides somewhere nice for your patio furniture to go. Pol Pot’s ‘killing fields’ would have been far less obvious if he had used a gazebo or a modest rockery.

One landscape gardener remarked: ‘You can try to compost your family, but that’ll take months; it makes far more sense to concrete over them. Then, either gravel over the top or add some decking. Your neighbours will know exactly what you’re up to but are unlikely to go to the police if they feel your improvements have added value to the property.


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Posted: Apr 7th, 2021 by

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