Carnage mars final furlong of Reopening Hairdressers’ Steeplechase


Following on from the brouhaha of a female human winning the Pony Club Findus Crispy Hooves Chase last weekend, those in search of more ladylike sporting glory are thundering for the stripy-poled winning post in the high-stakes ‘Bad-Tempered Spilling over into Violence Hairdressers Queue Steeplechase’.

Kicking off the minute the nation’s hairdressers were allowed to scrub the plague crosses off their doors, the remaining population listened eagerly through matted locks for the first freak-barneted patron to go fully post-lockdown postal, and claim the prestigious ‘First Arrest’ accumulator.

With plenty of warm-up scuffles early on, those with a side-bet celebrated first blood being declared at 9.17 at ‘Mane Attraction’ in Stockport, in a brutal altercation over queue-jumping. With no arrest forthcoming, BetStupid adjudicator Dean Canter said; “The smart money was on mid-afternoon, when a predicted backlog of nasty undercut sufferers looked odds-on to spark serious violence.

“I can now announce the winning fracas occurred at ‘FatBoy Trims’ in Dorchester just after lunchtime. It was the perfect storm of lengthy queues for the drier, a hood-hogging bubble perm being requested by someone ‘from out of the area’, and the coffee machine breaking down.

“This understandably caused the field of highly-strung middle-aged respectable ladies to totally, what I can only describe as: lose their shit. After restoring the peace, the local constabulary confirmed the arrest of one Mrs Caroline Snicket at 12:43 on a charge of Aggravated Elnett Insertion.”

Despite rumours of thatch-fixing, most players have already moved on to the next high-stakes fixture: predicting the minute beer garden-bound paramedics confirm the first case of Guinness>blood levels exceeding 100%.

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2021 by

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