In a desperate attempt to appease both Royalists and loyal viewers of the BBC cooking show, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, has been announced as the winner of Masterchef 2021.
A BBC insider who didn’t want to be identified as a fawning idiot said, “We had a brainstorm about how to get us out of this hole. Despite the Jamboard being overwhelmingly filled by virtual post-it notes saying variations of: ‘Just schedule Masterchef on one of our nine national television channels’, the powers that be had a ‘better idea’.”
A specially-shot two-hour Masterchef special on BBC One will look back at the life of Prince Philip through hastily sourced archive footage of the Queen’s late husband eating food. It culminates in a brief black-and-white Pathe newsreel of the then-Philip Mountbatten grilling sausages in a tent in the Belgian Congo in 1943.
State-of-the-art special effects have been employed to colourise the footage and place the Duke in the Masterchef studio alongside judges John Torode and Gregg Wallace.
“I love it,” exclaims Torode. “By cooking classic sausages in a classic way on a classic grill you have really brought back the essence of grilled sausages. I could eat a plate of them.”
“I am getting sausage, meat, sausage skin full of cooked sausage meat,” exudes Wallace. “What you’ve done, your majesty, is nothing short of extraordinary. I bet the missus licks her lips whenever you produce a sausage.”
The BBC press office stated, “We are pleased to announce Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh at the age of 99 as the oldest ever winner of Masterchef UK. Please don’t write in.”