In a dramatic discovery, scientists at CERN in Geneva say the Large Hadron Collider has discovered something that could turn the laws of physics upside down.
‘We spent the entire week crushing particles at speeds quite close to the speed of light’, said Director of Particle Crushing, Professor Horst Shmitzhoff. ‘Even after putting the collider on its maximum 800w setting, we found nothing.’
‘However, when the gargantuan machine was accidentally put into reverse after Ingrid (Das Tea Fraulein) clunked into the big lever with her tea trolley, all hell broke loose. The alarms went off, and we took cover in the concrete bunker.’
‘When the all-clear siren sounded, we emerged and opened the submarine style airtight door. There, to our disbelief, was a cup of steaming liquid. Our top scientists scrutinised reams of printouts, and all the data pointed to something new and extraordinary. At first, we thought it was just a cup of steaming hot particles, but it smelt more tangy than usual.’
‘There is some variance in our findings, of course. Still, we are now pleased to announce that after analysing hundreds of samples and going through a strict peer-reviewed process, we can confidently announce our conclusion. Somewhere, out there in space and time, there is a Small Hadron Collider at work, which has the astounding capability of replicating a perfect flat white.’