Boris retains mandate to send everything to shit, so long as Footy saved


They said it would never happen, but it bloody has! Boris Johnson has stunned naysayers by dropping the health crisis, growing poverty gap, and endemic governmental corruption to deal assertively and, dare we say, Prime Ministerially, with ‘Jumpers-for-Goalposts-Gate’, a made-up crisis threatening the health and wellbeing of literally nobody.


‘Convening an urgent meeting, he even paused from sexting James Dyson for 5 minutes,’ confirmed a delighted spokesperson from Offside!, the Downing Street five-a-side team and bung-friendly transfer agency. ‘Decisively he scheduled a roguish photo opportunity at AC Milan’s San Siro stadium, to cover for a cheeky minibreak on the Amalfi Coast.  He then spoke to lobbyists from the lucrative half-time pie and mash industry.  This is despite Boris’ real passion being for the women’s game’.

Such unexpected authoritativeness has reassured attendees at next month’s pivotal G7 summit in Cornwall that the UK will focus on the most urgent issue: jam or cream first?


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Posted: Apr 24th, 2021 by

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