There was excitement up and down the country last week as hordes of people flocked to hairdressers to get their first cut in months. Unfortunately, this excitement has turned to misery for many, as enormous, disgusting clumps of matted human hair are now blocking several major UK waterways. This has resulted in severe flooding in some areas as well as entangling and choking hundreds of waterfowl. Several old people on canal boats are also reportedly irritated.
The largest of these clumps, dubbed the ‘lock-ness monster’ by a group of local fuckwits, measures several kilometres in length and is lodged in the River Thames between Battersea and Greenwich. In response to the problem the government has commissioned the construction of a ‘humongous plunger’, at an estimated cost of £100 million. Number 10 has confirmed that the contract for the project has been awarded to Rishi Sunak’s cousin, a hedge fund manager with no experience in construction.
As an additional measure, access to hairdressers will now be restricted, with a passport scheme based on hair length reportedly in development. Several exemptions will apply, including white people with dreadlocks, who are still being actively encouraged to attend for the good of the nation.