In a 100,000,000 word statement, Dominic Cummings has justified leaking text messages revealing an underhand tax avoidance plot between Dyson boss and Boris Johnson by explaining he was only checking his eyesight.
‘As everyone knows, my absolute number one priority – ahead of my family, my friends, any laws or logic – is my eyesight. There is literally nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure my eyes are in absolute pukka shape. In my latest brilliant eye-test plan, I thought I’d hook out some old text messages then send them on to the press and then make sure I had indeed read them correctly by re-reading them in all the papers.’
Dominic has confirmed he is now planning his ‘best ever’ eye test involving a AK-47 assault rifle, a petrol bomb and Number 10 Downing Street.