Sales of Murdoch newspapers have spiked this week as Brits look to Uncle Rupert to tell them who the new Prime Minister will be. The ritual has been likened to JK Rowling’s ‘sorting hat’, though without any of the logic or publicly-disclosed reasoning process.
‘I hope he picks Gove,’ said Barry, a 33 year-old fuckwit from Essex. ‘Gove looks good in a suit and he always knows what to say.’
‘My money’s on Jacob Rees-Mogg,’ said Mandy, a cretin from Wolverhampton. ‘We need an old-fashioned gentleman to lead Britain. Also, could I just say that I think Meghan Markle is a cow?’
The last time Britain had to turn to Rupert Murdoch to select a Prime Minister was, erm, the last PM. And the one before. And the one before that. One thing’s for certain, though – whoever Rupert picks, the lucky winner will be a member of Slytherin.