King’s College Hospital in London has revealed that a 45-year-old man who was admitted late last night with over 50 pecking injuries and four broken limbs is in a critical condition and may not survive. The man, identified as Barry Haynes from Bromsgrove, was witnessed saying ‘boo’ to a Canada Goose during a walk by the Thames and was promptly administered a good kicking by a well tooled-up gang of three geese.
‘You would think in this day and age, everyone would be aware that geese are as hard as absolute f*ck, with tempers to match,’ said a hospital spokesman. ‘Every month, we get another injured patient in after being slit up a treat by these feathered psychopaths. Most had only looked at them – saying ‘boo’ or anything else to them as well is foolish beyond belief.’
The Metropolitan Police has cancelled all leave and promised to organise an armed patrol to raid the riverbanks in the Teddington region, where they attack took place. However, Scotland Yard sources have indicated that they may struggle to raise enough volunteers brave enough to tackle the uber-violent gaggle known as the ‘Hampton Wick Massive’.
Leading etymologist Dr James Randolph pointed out that the term ‘He wouldn’t say to a boo to a goose’ has been misconstrued as indicating timidity, when it originally meant that the person in question had the basic common sense necessary for survival. ‘The term originated in 17th century Gloucestershire and life was hard enough there already with bubonic plague, cholera and civil war, without people then putting their lives in danger by needlessly provoking short-tempered waterfowl from the Anatidae,’ he said.
‘Mad Steve’ King, a Greylag goose, added; ‘What are you looking at? Do you want some? Well DO YA? NO? F*CK OFF THEN.’