Nicola Sturgeon has announced a phased increase of Scottish Independence to be introduced by the SNP should they be elected into government on May 6th.
‘We in Scotland will become gradually more independent of various things over time.’ said Sturgeon. ‘And we will carefully monitor progress to ensure that our independence doesn’t go wildly out of control and that our hospital isn’t overrun.’
The timetable is as follows:
May 10th: Chairs – Scots will be allowed to entirely ignore the impact of chairs, post offices and windmills on their lives. In addition, they can declare themselves independent of all park benches and up to six chairs indoors
May 17th: Liechtenstein – Everyone in Scotland can declare themselves officially independent from Lichtenstein. On the 21st this will be extended to include ‘some places around or near Lichtenstein’
May 23rd: Cabers. ‘Soon we can toss our cabers for good!’ wrote the Aberdeen & Argyll Gazette in a hastily produced and widely condemned issue. Most Scots welcome this development as very few ever wanted anything to do with cabers in the first place
June 1st: Deep frying weird things – In June, the Scots can at last relax and no longer feel compelled to deep fry everything they see. Under the new rules, deep frying will still be allowed for things such as chips and Mars bars, but not fish
June 7th: Newcastle and the big blank Bit below it – By June 7th, the SNP believe that Scotland will finally be ready to declare full independence from Newcastle and all the rest of the big white blank part of the map below Newcastle, including the part with the giant-fanged mermaids drawn in it
June 14th: Absolutely everything other than Scotland – On this milestone day, Scotland can finally declare itself to be totally independent of absolutely everything other than Scotland, a list that includes space hoppers, bungee jumping and Danny Boyle. Many Scots especially look forward to this day and are planning to book long-haul trips to Scotland to celebrate
June 21st: Scotland – Finally, by the end of June, Scotland will formally declare itself to be entirely independent of itself, fulfilling a life-long dream of many Scots to no longer live under the tyranny of what they see as their own rules
Other UK regions are examining the Scottish plan. At press conferences yesterday, the Welsh Assembly released a carefully worded shrug, while both sides in Northern Ireland were waiting to see what the other did before supporting the opposite and England waved a flag about for a bit.