Fears are mounting for the safety of 37-year-old Craig Turner, a Basingstoke man who was reported missing after he nipped inside to use the toilet at a barbecue he was attending and disappeared without.
After he was heard complaining of the cold, but being required to remain in the garden due to the current coronavirus rules, it is feared that Turner, upon entering the house to use the toilet, suffered exposure to a little warmth, became overwhelmed, and found himself unable to go outside again.
‘The last words Craig said to me were, “I am going inside; I may be some time”,’ said another guest at the barbecue, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘I assumed this was because of all the undercooked meat he’d eaten and after a good turnout he’d be back, but that was the last I, or anyone, saw of him.’
The detective leading the search for Craig said, ‘We’ve seen a marked increase in the sudden disappearance of people from private and pub gardens. This is believed to be connected to April having had the lowest average minimum temperatures in the UK since 1922.
‘The majority are usually found warm and safe indoors at home a few days later, resolving not to go out socialising again until May 17th. But repeat cases tell us most people last only until the weekend, despite the weather forecast predicting 10°C with the slimmest chance of sun.’
Reports that this phenomenon is predominantly occurring to ‘southern softies’ and ‘big girls’ blouses’ are currently unconfirmed. However, according to correspondents in Newcastle, another barbecue that began five days ago in temperatures of -5°C is still continuing because none of the five shirtless men attending it wanted to be considered a fookin queeeeeahh for leaving.