The planet Mars, which had been on the UK’s red list, has surprisingly, given its high number of infections and C-Number (the crater rate), been upgraded to the green list.
It now joins the Falkland Islands, Palestine, Kabul and some other godforsaken places that Brits can travel to without having to quarantine in a medieval torture chamber on their return.
An upbeat government spokesman confirmed the details: ‘The government have carefully picked these places as most of them impose draconian entry requirements that won’t let anyone in. Scientists on SAGE say visitors to Stratford, for example, must have cockney as their first language and possess healthy chicken shop anti-bodies.’
‘We picked Mars because it’s fiendishly tricky to get to and has some of the most challenging social distancing measures in the world. It had been on the red list as we felt it was a bit of a transit hub, what with the NASA rover, The Chinese rover and The Transport for London rover cluttering up the place. However, the TFL rover has been delayed due to a signal failure at Golders Green, which gave us the flexibility we needed.’
‘There has been a surge of bookings to Mars, and Primark reports strong demand for dirt cheap, made in Chinese sweatshops, spacewear.’
‘If it’s successful, we’ll review after three weeks and see if we can’t add some complete neanderthal pit like Hartlepool to our list of tourist destinations for this summer. Always remember that the government is following the science, even when it isn’t.’