Virtual Currency Bitcoin saw 10% wiped from its value after car maker Tesla announced it would no longer accept payment from such an environmentally-damaging form of remittance. Instead deposits can now be made in conflict diamonds or Krugerrands; with the balance in tulip bulbs.
“It’s an exciting time for us here at Tesla,” Said a digital AI representation of Elon Musk in a statement, the actual Elon Musk being far too important to speak to regular human beings. “We are focussing on being more conscious of our impacts on the Earth, and with the high use of fossil fuels to generate cryptocurrencies, we felt these were no longer a sustainable method of payment. Since we already are strip-mining the planet for lithium and cobalt, we figured taking down-payment in diamonds and gold would be acceptable to our target market as most already have safety deposit boxes full of both.”
Outside the Tesla Dealership in Milton Keynes, devotees of the brand were queuing up to take advantage of the new company policy. One patron was ecstatic, remarking, “I’ve just been to B&Q and maxed out my credit card to buy this wheelbarrow of bulbs to get a Model 3. Though I’m hoping they’ll take my copy of ‘Blood Diamond’ as a deposit. Making flowers worth money is a really innovative idea that only comes from a forward thinker like Elon. I’m sure the value of these will only go up and I’m sitting on a proverbial goldmine.”