The government have confirmed the much anticipated release of the latest new and exciting Covid variant, ‘The Portuguese’, planned for introduction into the UK by mid August.
The Government’s Covid Variant Free Movement taskforce, headed up by Grant Shapps, has worked tirelessly to ensure no chance for a new variant is missed.
Boris Johnson has responded with delight at the news: ‘This government has always taken diversity and inclusivity very seriously, not so much when it comes to people, but when it comes to Covid variants. We are proud to welcome in any number of mutations – Brazil, South Africa, India…not to mention our very own home grown Kent variant. A Portugal variant by the end of summer would be the cherry on the cake.’
Boris Johnson has already allayed fears within government that this may make them look a bit incompetent by re-confirming their policy on responsibility: ‘From the beginning of this pandemic, I have made it crystal clear that I expect the general public to take full responsibility for anything that goes wrong. So if this all goes tits up, it’s not our fault. Ever.’
When asked whether he would be jetting off for a week of sun in Portugal, the Prime Minister reacted with horror: ‘Good Lord no. I’m not some sort of nincompoop. I’m nipping off for a simple, basic five star trip to Barbados to see if I can root out any other variants we may have missed. Paid for by some buddy or other, or maybe the tax payer, who cares. Happy holidays!’