After boring people senseless about growing vegetables from the inside out and eliminating child poverty by eliminating the word ‘poverty,’ the Labour leader has been advised to take drastic action to make himself resonate with the voters.
‘The ungrateful tossers crave entertainment, said chief adviser Nigel Palmer. ‘They don’t want sensible policies. They don’t want to hear what a disgrace Johnson is, and they’re not bothered about Hancock giving the Chinese PPE when we had a shortage in the UK. They don’t care. They want to see and hear regular flouting of all known rules. What we have right now is a Tory ‘Come Dine With Me’ up against Sir Keiths’ live streaming of dishwater slowly draining out of a kitchen sink somewhere in Market Harborough. We get a thorough spanking every time.’
‘We’ve considered all the options to make Keith a bit more entertaining and more suited to a contemporary UK audience, including lion taming, an attractive young woman in a bikini to accompany him everywhere he goes, and a cavalcade of psychic healers on elephants to take him to PMQ’s.’
‘Then we looked at Boris. What worked for him? It was obvious. Have a tangled personal life with feckless financial arrangements, tell the most outrageous porkies and ratchet everything up with a dose of thigh squeezing. We’ve organized lunch this Thursday at Poulet et Poulet (a fancy London restaurant where poor people aren’t allowed) with Sir Keith, Emily Thornberry and Angela Rayner. We’re hoping for great things.’