The first planes to land in Portugal have been unable to bring any holidaymakers because they’re full of journalists and broadcasters taking up the seats to tell Brits that they can come here now.
Our NewsBiscuit reporter based on the Portuguese island of Madeira is at Cristiano Ronaldo Airport – the one with that ridiculous statue that makes the footballist look like he’s been smashed in the face by a pasty full of angry wasps.
First off the TUI plane is Alison Hammond from ITV’s morning show helpfully called This Morning, so that viewers know that they’re not watching next Thursday afternoon. ‘There’s absolutely no chance of you getting to Madeira during the next 14 weeks,’ fizzes Hammond with unbridled enthusiasm and flipping the double-handed two-fingered dancing birds.
‘Every seat has been booked up to send reporters like me out here to tell everyone back in Britain that Portugal is on the green list of destinations. Woohoo! look at that sunshine. But you lot back home can’t actually get here because we’ve taken up all the places. After us TV broadcasters are the newspaper travel journalists. Then the video selfie social media influencers. And finally the digital nomads. By the end of the summer hols, the odd genuine tourist might have a shot, but I wouldn’t count on it.’
‘Right, I’m off to scream wide-eyed past my ITV camera crew in a giant wicker basket on tiny trolley wheels with two jauntily clothed locals hanging off the back as I hurtle down an incredibly steep street. Because no one ever does that when they come to shoot in Madeira.’