The UK are surprise favourites to win the Eurovision Song Contest, being held in Rotterdam. This follows Boris Johnson’s decision to deploy the largest British naval fleet since the Falklands War to the seas surrounding Rotterdam, as the contest approaches.
A government spokesman said: ‘We weren’t going to bother getting all the military toys out and pointlessly threatening some Europeans because there aren’t any elections coming up. Boris really wants a war though and that Jersey fishing thing petered out, so Eurovision it is.’
‘This could be Rotterdam or anywhere, Liverpool or Rome. Anywhere that Daily Telegraph readers would like it if we carpet bombed. An aircraft carrier, half a dozen frigates and a few nuclear-armed submarines ought to be enough. We’re naming Graham Norton Admiral of the Fleet.’
Should hostilities escalate, Eurovision’s ability to return fire is hampered as their cannons fire confetti and it would take a lot of glitter bombs to sink a battleship. The stand-off could yet prove explosively camp, as explained by scientist and Eurovision fan Vivienne van der Voort.
‘If you bring two halves of Uranium 235 together you get a chain reaction – and not the Diana Ross kind. If you bring thousands of burly seamen, all sweeping the decks like a Calvin Klein advert and then bring them too close to Eurovision… well you’d have chain reaction very much of the Diana Ross kind.’
The actual British song is a woeful dirge, sung by someone who probably came 7th in X Factor a few years ago.