Former all-England rutting champion, Spanky the Jack Russell Terrier has lost his title of attempting to hump the most things he shouldn’t.
Spanky’s heartbroken owner, Fifi Flutterfox said, “We thought he was untouchable. He will have a go on whatever is lying around. Pouffes, the kids’ cuddly toys, you name it. You should hear it when he gets hold of the clown with the built-in squeak.”
“He only stops for a quick few laps of his water bowl, and he wolfs through his dindins in about 4 seconds. Then he’ll be straight on the kibble bag like a tramp on chips.”
But which mysterious beast has knocked Spanky off the top spot? It is none other than UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
Boris’s owner, Carrie Symonds revealed, “He will literally take a crack at anything. Not just young cellists. We needed four security guards to prise him off the Archbishop of Canterbury’s leg. And you should have seen what he did to the Queen’s coronation robes. Thank the Lord she wasn’t wearing them at the time.”
“May is always a particularly difficult month. Despite what some of the voters seem to think, he doesn’t actually do anything, so he has a lot of free time.”
“Boris produces gallons of thick, gooey yellow spunk every day. When the boss of Deloitte came round to drop off the weekly bung, he slipped over in the residue and writhed around in it shrieking. I don’t think he will ever be the same again.”
“We have to pay teams of round-the-clock cleaners to wipe it off everything and cart it out in buckets via the secret Number 10 tunnel. Luckily, the taxpayer picks up that immense tab.”
“But we finally found a use for it. What we blew on ridiculously expensive wallpaper, we saved on paste by getting Boris to spaff it up the wall.”
“I’m very pleased with the outcome. I call it Shaggy Chic.”