As the Premier League season draws to its inevitable, predictable conclusion, speculation runs rife as to which of the Big Six, Four, Three or One will declare their Big Signing of the close season.
First off the mark are Arsenal, who announced earlier today that they have able to sign Lionel Messi’s shadow. After 20 years with Barcelona, “La Sombra” has finally left the club by mutual agreement, and has signed for the Gunners for an undisclosed fee.
In recent years “La Sombra” has felt that his achievements at the club have been underplayed and undervalued, and this has created a rift between him and club management.
Personal relations between Messi and his shadow have also cooled since the extent of the shadow’s involvement in the 2013 tax evasion scandal were recently revealed : both now feel that a clean break is needed.
It has always been claimed that the shadow has been carried by Messi for many years, with much criticism levelled at him for being a “fair weather” player : however, fans of the shadow are keen to point out his sharp, well-defined performances under spotlights, when he almost seems to be moving in four directions at once.
Having been promised the moon on a stick many times, only to get landed with a giant damp sparkler, Arsenal fans are understandably sceptical of their new signing. Wes Tindale, editor of fanzine and specialist publication “Fist Up For The Arse”, admitted that in any other year this signing would be considered the Worse Idea Ever, but that it would struggle to make the top ten of idiotic schemes from the 2020/21 season.
Elsewhere, it is understood that Spurs are showing an interest in Clerkenwell medium Liz Medford (47), and her claims to be able to channel the spirit of George Best. A spokesman intoned the mantra “This confirms our commitment to bring Champions League football to the club” until he was led away, giggling, by a kindly ambulance-man.