Despite claims by Mr Cummings that a murderous gang formed outside of his house, forcing him to take a castle-based mini break against his will, investigations have confirmed this to be inaccurate. The Tories were actually busy in Westminster planning out their pandemic strategy using a whiteboard, a Lego set and a ‘policy tombola’.
Cummings explained he ‘knew he forgot something’ when he gave his long winded and detailed explanation to the British public last year and he had ‘just remembered’ that this was a ‘much better excuse’.
Asked for a comment, Matt Hancock explained that he was too busy saving lives left right and centre. He plans to give tips to all the nurses and doctors since he has actually saved more lives than anyone ‘maybe ever’. He now wishes to be known by his superhero name – ‘Super-Cock’. He vehemently denies being a ‘murderer’ but likes the idea of being a ‘gang member’ as it sounds ‘well hard and quite cool’.