Matt Hancock has rejected claims that awarding Fluffy the hamster an NHS contract was in any way bias as Fluffy is ‘fully qualified’ with ‘a wealth of experience’.
Fluffy has been a valued member of the Hancock household for almost a year and in that time has left Mr Hancock in no doubt he is the right individual for the job: ‘Fluffy is brilliant at keeping his trap shut, unlike other weasely rodents like Dominic Cummings, so he’ll be very well received amongst senior members of the conservative party.
Fluffy is also an expert at his wheel, often going round in circles for months on end but making no progress – making him ideal for running an NHS contract.’
Mr Hancock further eradicated any hint of corruption by confirming that he wasn’t even aware Fluffy was being considered for the contract: ‘Fluffy orchestrated the whole thing without my knowledge, it was nothing to do with me – he must have used my phone and email, and posed as me at a meeting or two, the clever little chap. It’s neither here nor there that my agreement with Fluffy is that I get 100% of profit from any contracts he wins.’
It has been reported that current contract tenders include submissions from the spider under Matt Hancock’s sink, a snail at the bottom of Matt Hancock’s garden, and Matt Hancock’s toilet brush.