A police spokesman has issued a public apology today for recent reports suggesting that certain suspects had ‘distinctive tattoos’. ‘For example, we recently stated that a suspect wanted in connection with a triple murder had a distinctive spider’s web tattoo on his neck. ‘It has been confirmed that this narrowed the list of suspects in the UK to around 500,000 people, predominantly male, many below the age of thirty-six and with an IQ of 90 or less.
He continued: ‘We now recognise that this tattoo is in fact ‘de rigeur’ for the younger age group and midwives are now trained to provide it on the NHS, if requested. We apologise to the individuals exposed to unnecessary upset who can actually read and the thirty or so call centre staff fielding the calls from the public.’
They have also agreed to stop describing butterflies, roses and at other assorted random flowers as distinctive. ‘A spot survey at ASDA revealed that 90% of women under the age of 95 had such tattoos, it’s about as distinctive as having a head in this group,’ added the spokesman.
He confirmed that tattoos referring to ‘mum’ had been discounted for years, but said some tattoos are still to be referred to in public announcements, such as random Chinese menu selections masquerading as British names, specific percentages – ‘we’re particularly keen to talk to a suspicious middle aged man with 97% tattooed on his arm’ – and any that include original one line jokes. ‘We don’t get many like that,’ he lamented.