Omega variant will make everyone incredibly sexy and give some people superpowers

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Professor Chris Whitty has a slide he hasn’t shown yet. It will be the last slide he ever shows. Shocking and surprising the press and everyone watching on TV at home, up will pop a nude photo of Linda Lusardi from 1983. Chris will panic and fumble and say, “My word… I don’t know how that got in there.”

But then he will turn and glare straight down the lens with a wry smile and the look of a man who really knows what’s going on.

With the words, “No, stay on the same slide, please,” a flashy animation will fade out Linda to reveal charts and graphs like we’ve never seen before. The data will show that the ‘Omega’ variant has mutated into a virus which spreads extraordinary symptoms.

Chris will explain that the Omega variant is the most transmissible one yet, but that it will turn anyone who contracts the virus in to the sexiest form their bodies have ever taken. Everyone will be “Well fit,” and, “Ripped like a Bondi lifeguard.” Everything will be toned and pert and eventually the entire population will be young-looking and achingly desirable.

But that’s not all…

Some will develop superpowers like being able to get the lids off jars without straining every sinew. Many will be able to piddle straight standing up and hit the target every time. Some will be able to remember their passport numbers off by heart.

Best of all, though, everyone will develop X-ray vision and be able to see through anything. Especially fake news and reports from suspect media outlets.

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Posted: Jun 16th, 2021 by

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