A school is to start selling the weird, random shit that’s usually found in Aldi’s middle aisle in retaliation for the German supermarket giant’s decision to sell cut-pice uniforms.
From the beginning of next term, Rick Wakeman Academy in Romford will start selling hundreds of products – including mineral polishing kits, Bluetooth fax machines and gazebos – from their tuck shop.
“Woolworths, BHS and Blockbuster Video all tried to sell uniforms on my patch and look what happened to them. If Aldi wants a turf war, they’ve got one” said headmaster Nev Burke.
“Originally, I was going to sue them or, at the very least, take them on Judge Rinder”.
“However, although the jumpers and blazers Aldi are selling are almost identical to the academy’s, there’s no copyright infringement because they replaced the school badge with an embroidery of Cuthbert the Caterpillar. Bastards”.
Mr Burke added that he also intends to launch a loyalty scheme to encourage parents to continue to buy uniforms directly from the school. Perks of the scheme will include early access to exam questions, a meet-and-greet with the lollipop man and complimentary airbrushing of school photos.