Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired using Lorraine Kelly’s discarded knickers

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There was an early Christmas present for the long-suffering residents of Hammersmith and Fulham earlier today, when the council announced that the stricken Hammersmith Bridge, which has been closed to all traffic due to structural compromises since 2018, is to be restored to its former glory by shoring up the huge cracks that have appeared in the structure with over a thousand pairs of knickers discarded into the Thames by morning TV legend and Hammersmith resident, Lorraine Kelly.

A recent dredging of the Thames at nearby Putney uncovered over a tonne of Kelly’s undergarments which she has been throwing from the bridge on a daily basis since the late 1990s rather than having to go through the process of washing them and putting them in the tumble dryer.

An enterprising civil engineer has hit upon the idea of forcing the sodden knickers into the cracks on Hammersmith Bridge before drying them off with a hairdryer until they take on the structural properties of reinforced concrete.

A delighted Kelly told newsmen: ‘This is wonderful news for the people of Hammersmith and a real boost for me and my dog, Archie, to know that my worn undercrackers are being used to improve the lives of the local people who have suffered for so long, the puir wee things. And my dog, Archie, is very happy about that. Did I mention I’ve got a dog called Archie?’

Just three years ago a pair of outsize Y-Front Jockey underpants donated by roly-poly TV presenter, Eammon Holmes were used to provide a temporary road bridge across the River Severn during construction work on the supports of the iconic bridge structure.

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Posted: Sep 10th, 2021 by

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