Priests from the temple of the Aztec night god Tezcatlipoca at Tenochtitlan have been gloating at the discomfiture of the British public as another cloudy and drizzly summer fizzles out to its inevitable end. They now feel vindicated in their view that at least 2,000 human sacrifices are needed every day to make the sun rise.
‘Life is because of the gods, with their sacrifice they gave us life. Everything – sun, crops, moon, stars, Lisa Stansfied, tinned ravioli, everything – comes from that,’ said the discarnate soul of Ixaccihuatl, former Aztec chief priest, who was channelled by Derek Acorah. ‘We told the Spanish conquistadors as much in 1519 too, but none of you would listen. Well, serves you right.’
Under the Aztec Empire, constant wars were fought against neighbouring tribes to provide sacrifices to Tezcatlipoca and the sun god Huitzilopochtl to ensure that the sun continued to circle the Earth. Some have observed that Londoners could probably capture and sacrifice the requisite number from East Anglia to ensure a rather pleasant Indian Summer weekend later this month without anyone noticing.
‘When we sacrificed to Huitzilopochtli, the victim would be placed on a sacrificial stone, then the priest would cut through the abdomen with an obsidian blade. The heart would be torn out still beating and held towards the sky and the body would be either cremated or given to the warrior responsible for the capture of the victim, who would either send the parts to other important men as an offering or eat them,’ explained Ixaccihuatl. ‘A bit like Friday night in Croydon, then.’
Without a constant supply of victims, the Aztecs believed, the 52-year cycle of life on Earth could come to an end or Arsenal might win a game, whichever is the earlier. The Daily Express is believed to be planning a three-page feature article on the subject next week, unless house prices change in the interim.