To artificially boost the number of learner drivers passing, the government has made a series of sweeping changes to Heavy Goods Vehicle driving examinations. A government spokesmoog blithered on at a press conference purely for the benefit of the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail:
‘The critical shortage of lorry drivers, which has nothing to do with Brexit or the billions of pounds we squandered on creating hostile environments for those operating in the haulage sector, means we now have to panic and do silly things which make no sense, but which play well to the fluffbrains somehow still backing the Conservative Party despite our best lack of efforts.
‘We learned a lot from a focus group of Boris-positive hairy gibbons we rounded up in the Whipsnade area. So, going forwards, HGV learner drivers will not be required to reverse their rigs. Instead, loading docks will be replaced with gangs of highway pirates who can strip the cargo out of an 18-wheeler in under two minutes.
‘Drivers will not be required to brake for roundabouts, zebra crossings, school zones, or red lights. Unless those red lights are in the windows of brothels on the really dodgy side of Luton.
‘Of course, accurately urinating into empty bottles of Jack Daniels is a critical skill, and that will remain on the HGV test. Along with cooly oozing words into a CB radio like: Breaker, breaker, this is Bigrig calling Bandit – Cowgirl in denim hotpants stranded on the A2 just outside Gillingham.
‘And the public can rest assured that the construction of pornography collages for their cabs and the double-flashing of hotties with massive norks will still be compulsory.’