Straight man attacked by gang of vicious homosexuals
A 20-year-old straight man has told of his terror at being set upon by a gang of openly gay thugs.
The victim told reporters that earlier that evening he had been the subject of a series of bitingly waspish remarks from what had either been two men and a woman, one man and two women, three very effeminate men or three very butch women. Their comments, which were of a ribald nature, were accompanied by a lot of ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ and high-pitched shrieking.
The man, who was singled out by the group for looking a bit ‘buildery’, had been drinking in the Queen’s Head, which was known to be popular with local heterosexuals. After leaving the pub, and on his way to a nearby lapdancing club, he was cornered and subjected to a series of unprovoked slaps.
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Arsenal win race to be embarrassed in Europe
Arsenal pipped local rivals Spurs for the opportunity to be humiliated as soon as they play a half decent team in next season’s Champions League.
‘I heard Feldman not saying it,’ claims Grant Shapps
‘I distinctly heard him not say it, and in fact on the way home I clearly recall saying to my wife, “It’s a good thing Lord Feldman didn’t call our activists ‘swivel-eyed loons’ at today’s event”.’
Childcare reforms lead to first battery-farm nurseries
In an attempt to control costs while maintaining a ‘healthy’ ratio of nursery staff to children, the Government has today unveiled its vision for the UK to lead the world in producing battery-raised toddlers.
‘For too long Governments have been slow to apply agricultural intensive-rearing techniques to childcare policy,’ said Conservative education minister, Liz Truss. ‘Each toddler up to the age of four will now be cared for in connecting cages sharing common divider walls. At mealtimes the grain feeder above their heads will dispense chicken nuggets, while a conveyor belt running constantly beneath will remove soiled nappies.’
Fire Service needs Transformers, concludes independent report
Fire and rescue services would be much better if staffed by ultra-powered giant robots, according to an independent review commissioned by the Government.
Following seven months of careful research into the best way to deliver an efficient and effective fire service, inquiry chair Sir Ken Knight has said that flying robots with lasers and freeze-rays were likely to be more effective than the puffed-out, heavy-drinking, under-paid schmucks we currently rely on to save our bacon when we fall asleep in front of Corrie with a fag in our hand.
Social workers to be fast-tracked to a nervous breakdown
Graduate trainee social workers will handle complex cases after five weeks and be well on the way to depression and a nervous breakdown within just two months, under a new fast-track training scheme unveiled today by the Government.
The ‘Frontline’ scheme aims to attract top graduates into the profession and sap their energy and morale without the need for years of bureaucracy, media hostility, reorganisations and expensive underresourcing strategies by local councils.
New ‘Total Paunch’ magazine a huge hit with men
The magazine publishing industry has enjoyed a huge resurgence in sales following the launch of the latest health magazine for British men, Total Paunch.
The success has resulted in publishers Northern & Shell committing to higher print runs and wider distribution, especially in the Midlands and North East where figures have shown a substantial increase.
One avid reader, Phil Mevoid from Hull, said, ‘I got sick of looking at handsome young guys with six packs smiling down from the shelves at W H Smith and getting nudged in the side by the missus. So I bought myself a copy of Paunch and I haven’t looked back. The features on ‘low definition abs’ and ‘ten steps towards guaranteed sex after ten pints of lager’ have literally changed my life and I’ll be even happier after the divorce and the court case are over.’
Google Glasses ‘would have detected Savile’
Countering claims that the latest technology from Google will only further invade people’s privacy, the company has declared that their innovative, interactive ‘Glass’ spectacles are so brilliant they could have helped police in identifying celebratory perverts.
While originally designed to recognise historic landmarks, the new glasses also come loaded with secret, pre-programmed face and iris recognition and behavioural analysis tools as standard. Google chief executive, Eric Schmidt, explained that the new technology would finally help the public look into the souls of, say, Ant and Dec, tell you what they’re like and really help in telling them apart. ‘Yes they look like Geordie hobbits, but which is which? And what are they up to? These glasses will finally let you know.’
Latest Dan Brown novel published in ‘straight to car boot sale’ format
In a move set to revolutionise the publishing industry, Random House has confirmed that the new Dan Brown novel Inferno is to be launched exclusively in a new ‘straight to car boot sale’ format.
‘A 50p (75 euro) paperback that looks like it’s been read in a hurry by someone hiding it in a plastic bag is the obvious medium through which to disseminate Mr Brown’s work,’ explained Neil Cunliffe, president of Random House publishers, flanked at the press conference by a Hessian-clad albino bodyguard and a troubled-looking French Egyptologist in her early thirties.
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