NewsBiscuit

Accident & Emergency services to be outsourced to vets’ surgeries

Access to emergency health treatment is to be significantly increased after the Government announced that NHS Trusts will now be able to procure services from local veterinary clinics. In order to reduce the burden on overstretched A&E departments, anyone requiring emergency treatment will now be referred to their nearest vet in what the Government says is ‘a sensible and logical use of existing resources’.

‘It makes complete sense that when a vet is not treating Fido or Tiddles for ticks, they open their doors to patients who may have had a stroke, major trauma injury or a saucepan stuck on their head,’ said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt.

Google search for ‘reasons to put something back into society’ returns no results

A man who asked Google for advice on how best to contribute to a better society has reported an incredible run of bad luck with the search engine.

‘I was looking for moral guidance and thought the internet might be able to provide me with enlightenment,’ said 53-year-old Tommy Jones. ‘But my Google searches about responsible and equitable living all went unanswered. A simple inquiry ‘How can multinational corporations contribute to society?’ turned up no results, while an open query about the redistribution of wealth through taxation only brought up adverts for some banks in the Cayman Islands.’

Straight man attacked by gang of vicious homosexuals

A 20-year-old straight man has told of his terror at being set upon by a gang of openly gay thugs.

The victim told reporters that earlier that evening he had been the subject of a series of bitingly waspish remarks from what had either been two men and a woman, one man and two women, three very effeminate men or three very butch women. Their comments, which were of a ribald nature, were accompanied by a lot of ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ and high-pitched shrieking.

Childcare reforms lead to first battery-farm nurseries

In an attempt to control costs while maintaining a ‘healthy’ ratio of nursery staff to children, the Government has today unveiled its vision for the UK to lead the world in producing battery-raised toddlers.

Fire Service needs Transformers, concludes independent report

Fire and rescue services would be much better if staffed by ultra-powered giant robots, according to an independent review commissioned by the Government.

Social workers to be fast-tracked to a nervous breakdown

Graduate trainee social workers will handle complex cases after five weeks and be well on the way to depression and a nervous breakdown within just two months, under a new fast-track training scheme unveiled today by the Government.

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