NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

B&Q to close 60 ‘argument zones’

after screaming at each other in the tile section, why not look at the plantsKingfisher, parent company of B&Q and the ironically titled ‘Screwfix’, has announced it plans to phase out some of its least ‘maritally fractious’ stores.

Executives admitted that certain regional outlets had a poor turnover in splitting up couples – in comparison to city sites, that could wreck ‘over twenty marriages an hour (mph).

Click here for the full story >

Browse Archives

News In Brief

England now favourites to win World Cup Nobel Prize and Space Race after 4-0 win

After a massively convincing four nil routing of Lithuania, England are certs to win the next World Cup, writes Sun Sport Columnist Steven Howard (the columnist the players fear most).

Met Office warns conditions right for perfect ‘Death of Laddism’ articles storm

The closure of a lad mag and the demise of a car programme could cause the conditions for a perfect media storm, warn the Met Office.

Iain Duncan Smith to reintroduce workhouses

No, of course you can't have some more!Against a background of persistent denials of any decision yet being made about where the Tories would cut the welfare budget, a leaked email has revealed that Work and Pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith’s latest reforms include plans to reintroduce Victorian-style workhouses.

The email gives details of how workhouses up and down the length of Britain which put all the poor ‘under one roof’ will provide the £12bn of efficiency savings on benefits and welfare to meet the Conservative’s manifesto pledge.

Blair named as Middle-England Peace Envoy in ongoing Clarkson row

determined to take the 'larks' out of ClarksonThe government confirmed today that Tony Blair is to take on the weighty responsibility as mediator in the Clarkson Crisis before the UK descends into all-out civil war.

With supermarket shelves already being stripped of Top Gear Box Sets and black arm-bands for white van drivers, the former British Prime Minister is believed to be the ‘only man for the job’ after his recent success in bringing lasting irony to the middle-east.

Old dogs no longer funded for trick-based education

might as well just curl up and sleep on it in front of the fireThe Department for Business Innovation and Skills (BIS) has decided to cut 24% from the adult education budget to remove a culture of just ‘fetching sticks’ and looking cute. Instead, College courses will target young pups: ‘…and if they’ve not learned to catch a Frisbee in their teeth by 19, then they’ll never do it’.

A BIS spokeswoman said: ‘While we applaud adult learner’s ability to sit, heel and lick their own balls; the truth remains that many have failed to learn any new tricks. When was the last time you had someone in their thirties bring you your slippers? Too often they shit on the carpet and dry hump your leg.’

TV debates to be settled by ‘head punching contests’ say Broadcasters

all in the name of entertainment for the massesTV broadcasters have decided to ditch the debating format trialed in the 2010 election in which leaders debated policy and outlined pledges and will replace it instead with a series of ‘head punching contests’, confirmed Sue Inglish, Head of Political Programming at the BBC.

The move has been welcomed by the right wing media who have long complained that a lefty liberal elite from north London have been allowed to set the tone for the forthcoming election. Right wing media groups say the election should not be settled by ‘some Islington pinko shirt lifter debating policies about EU membership or immigration’ but by two grown men punching each other in the face until one of them cries.

BBC to reintroduce homeless Stig into the wild

some say, it's all gone to cockFollowing the sacking of Jeremy Clarkson and the abrupt ending of Top Gear, the BBC have pledged they will help resident test driver The Stig and ensure he can rejoin the general public.

“Some say he is every sign of the Zodiac, some say he appeared on the short lived £100 note but what we’re all saying at the moment is that we need to help this man get re-assimilated into regular society,” said a BBC spokeswoman.

Zayn quits 1D in protest over Clarkson

some say that's what makes them beautiful, but not manyPre-pubescent girls around the globe were left reeling from the double disappointment of their two favourite pin-ups leaving to pursue solo projects this week. Zayn and Clarkson have been long time admirers of one another, both wearing ‘mom jeans’ while singing ballads; but neither felt like continuing without the other to inspire him to smoke a joint or punch a work colleague.

Zayn Malik’s publicist released a tersely-worded statement: ‘With Top Gear losing Clarkson, Zayn felt that it was time to call it a day. You can’t be expected to sing five part harmonies about love, if the one you love is no more.’ Likewise Clarkson admitted to close friends that he could never feel the throbbing urgency of a V8 engine without thinking about ‘Zayn’s tushie’.

Click here for the full story >