Executives admitted that certain regional outlets had a poor turnover in splitting up couples – in comparison to city sites, that could wreck ‘over twenty marriages an hour (mph).
News In Brief
After a massively convincing four nil routing of Lithuania, England are certs to win the next World Cup, writes Sun Sport Columnist Steven Howard (the columnist the players fear most).
The closure of a lad mag and the demise of a car programme could cause the conditions for a perfect media storm, warn the Met Office.
Against a background of persistent denials of any decision yet being made about where the Tories would cut the welfare budget, a leaked email has revealed that Work and Pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith’s latest reforms include plans to reintroduce Victorian-style workhouses.
The email gives details of how workhouses up and down the length of Britain which put all the poor ‘under one roof’ will provide the £12bn of efficiency savings on benefits and welfare to meet the Conservative’s manifesto pledge.
With supermarket shelves already being stripped of Top Gear Box Sets and black arm-bands for white van drivers, the former British Prime Minister is believed to be the ‘only man for the job’ after his recent success in bringing lasting irony to the middle-east.
The Department for Business Innovation and Skills (BIS) has decided to cut 24% from the adult education budget to remove a culture of just ‘fetching sticks’ and looking cute. Instead, College courses will target young pups: ‘…and if they’ve not learned to catch a Frisbee in their teeth by 19, then they’ll never do it’.
A BIS spokeswoman said: ‘While we applaud adult learner’s ability to sit, heel and lick their own balls; the truth remains that many have failed to learn any new tricks. When was the last time you had someone in their thirties bring you your slippers? Too often they shit on the carpet and dry hump your leg.’
TV broadcasters have decided to ditch the debating format trialed in the 2010 election in which leaders debated policy and outlined pledges and will replace it instead with a series of ‘head punching contests’, confirmed Sue Inglish, Head of Political Programming at the BBC.
The move has been welcomed by the right wing media who have long complained that a lefty liberal elite from north London have been allowed to set the tone for the forthcoming election. Right wing media groups say the election should not be settled by ‘some Islington pinko shirt lifter debating policies about EU membership or immigration’ but by two grown men punching each other in the face until one of them cries.
“Some say he is every sign of the Zodiac, some say he appeared on the short lived £100 note but what we’re all saying at the moment is that we need to help this man get re-assimilated into regular society,” said a BBC spokeswoman.
Pre-pubescent girls around the globe were left reeling from the double disappointment of their two favourite pin-ups leaving to pursue solo projects this week. Zayn and Clarkson have been long time admirers of one another, both wearing ‘mom jeans’ while singing ballads; but neither felt like continuing without the other to inspire him to smoke a joint or punch a work colleague.
Zayn Malik’s publicist released a tersely-worded statement: ‘With Top Gear losing Clarkson, Zayn felt that it was time to call it a day. You can’t be expected to sing five part harmonies about love, if the one you love is no more.’ Likewise Clarkson admitted to close friends that he could never feel the throbbing urgency of a V8 engine without thinking about ‘Zayn’s tushie’.