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Bin Laden cassettes ‘a dangerous collection of 80s cheese’

It has been revealed today that a collection of audio cassettes seized from Osama Bin Laden’s abandoned Afghan compound, actually contain an alarming amount of 80s pop tunes.

Brett Rogers, one of the first U.S. Navy Seals to enter the compound, claimed he was alerted to Bin Laden’s whereabouts by the distant melodic tones of Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It. ‘Well the lyrics do say that “this dance ain’t for everybody, only for the sexy people” obviously I took it as a sign’.

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News In Brief

Pinocchio rejects Alice

Pinocchio has publicly outed Alice in Wonderland as a ‘fantasy creation’, in a move which has fuelled bitter arguments in the Land of Magic.

Fears for ancient site as coach-load of schoolchildren moves closer

Schoolchildren from a South London primary school have entered the county of Wiltshire, and are heading toward Stonehenge, according to reports.

‘Chinese financial woes made me molest goat’ claims defendant

A Gosport man who appeared in court on charges of outraging public decency, sexual assault and animal cruelty, has blamed his ‘regrettable’ behaviour on the volatility of global finance.

‘Manspread’ to replace butter

The online Oxford dictionary has added the act of ‘manspreading’ as a low-fat alternative to ‘moisturising your toast’.

Benedict Cumberbatch ‘magnificent’ as Bloke in Tesco

Benedict Cumberbatch has blown away the critics after a ‘magnificent, power-house performance’ at the Brent Cross Hendon Way Tesco Superstore in Cricklewood.

Chinese economy to become largest online betting site

Betfair, Paddy Power and ‘all our pension funds’ are set to merge into the world’s most irresponsible gambling company – China™.

Hackers expose names of thousands seeking fling with Labour

The Labour Party’s leadership contest has been suspended today, after hactivists exposed the names of thousands of people interested in having a dalliance with the party.

1D to join Kurdish Peshmerga fighters

In a shock move, One Direction have announced a break from music in order to battle the so-called Islamic State alongside Peshmerga fighters in northern Syria.

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