David Cameron has sparked a heated debate after claiming that Britain should be ‘more confident in its status as a country of Directioners’. The PM made his remarks in an interview with Smash Hits magazine, adding that the teachings of Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry and Louis had shaped British society and inspired its values of tolerance, respect and being beautiful because you don’t know you’re beautiful, baby.
News In Brief
The government is extending the popular paternity leave scheme, which allows fathers to take time off to look after new born babies, to uncles, including the obscure ones with Tourette’s that no-one wants to talk about and not just the biological ones.
The government is reportedly planning to extend the help-to-buy scheme in order to cover rail fares as well. Currently, many in the squeezed middle are forced to rely on their car while desperately saving up for the deposit on the Zones 1-6 railcard that will get them onto the public transport ladder.
Having been installed as interim manager of Manchester United after the departure of David Moyes, Ryan Giggs is set to allay fears over his lack of managerial experience by wearing a cardboard mask of Sir Alex Ferguson’s face when he arrives to take training.
One of the main criticisms aimed at Moyes was his lack of trophy-winning pedigree, which certainly cannot be said of 13-time Premier League winner Giggs. And he is confident that he can make a good start to his career as a manager by wearing a cut-out of the face of the man who ruled Old Trafford with an iron fist for 26 years, and putting on a Glaswegian accent while yelling incoherently at underperforming players.
The small Dorset village of Fromley has been thrown into turmoil in recent weeks after a local plumber carried out a series of small jobs in a punctual, efficient and inexpensive manner. Many villagers have been left confused and are struggling to come to terms with the situation.
Margaret Taylor, a 38-year-old Fromley housewife was the first to notice that something was amiss three weeks ago. ‘Our downstairs toilet wasn’t flushing properly so I called a plumber called Kevin Hobbs I’d found in the Yellow Pages and he said he’d be round the next morning at 8,’ she said.
Multi-award winning novelist and screenwriter Kieran Henderson, who last year became the first author to win an Oscar for writing the screenplay to his own Booker-winning novel, has shocked the literary establishment by announcing that he is to put his pen away in order to create spreadsheets and do appraisals for people he hates.
Henderson is said to have worked on his writing for sixteen hours a day for nearly three decades before attaining his widely acknowledged status as the outstanding British writer of his generation. Though puzzling to many, Henderson has revealed that his decision to give up the day job for a day job was inspired by the plethora of interactive television talent shows.
Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who was recently sentenced to a year’s community service for tax fraud, has found work inseminating a giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, following failed attempts to mate her with a male panda. The zoo and the 77-year-old billionaire’s lawyers said that they were satisfied that the ruling was a win-win, allowing him to remain both politically and sexually active.
‘Tian Tian’s hormone levels had been falling drastically and at first she spurned his advances, but this didn’t deter Mr Berlusconi in the least,’ said Charles Osborne, director of breeding at Edinburgh. ‘He used all his experience and charm to woo her successfully and, fingers crossed, we hope to be able to announce shortly that she is expecting, er, something.’
A study of young parents has revealed that new fathers are unable to relate to their children without a shared knowledge of the Star Wars universe, with many refusing to take part in their upbringing until they have at least a basic understanding of ‘The Force’. Furthermore, parental bonds have been harmed over disagreements regarding the validity of the prequels and inclusion of Jar Jar Binx within the saga.
Fathers have been accused by women’s groups of putting their own nostalgia for the popular movie series before their responsibilities as a parent. In response, Fathers for Justice have taken to public buildings dressed as Batman, Spiderman and various other Marvel and DC characters to demonstrate the many other franchises they are willing to embrace.
Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.
Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.