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Everyone now officially an artisan

rustic professionalism, everywhereFollowing the revelation that printers, blacksmiths, cigar pen makers and even quilt rack makers have joined bakers, butchers and cheese makers in using the term ‘artisan’, experts have ruled that absolutely anyone is free to claim to be one. The only conditions are that they have to be unemployed marketing graduates and are not funneling over a thousand tonnes a day of cement powder and cows’ vaginas into a mixer and hoping for the best.

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Government to cut emergency services ‘to stop people needing help’

‘Pastimes such as candlelit dinners, smoking cigarettes while asleep and drying your shell-suits over the paraffin heater will become life-threatening adrenaline sports’ said a Downing Street spokesman.

Scotland votes in favour of merger of Brian Coxes

The new single Cox will play British heavies in middlebrow American action movies, grin at how wonderful science can be and exercise increased tax raising powers, sometimes simultaneously.

Northamptonshire named Britain’s first Area of Outstanding General Mediocrity

just passing throughIt was the award a few wanted but only one could have. In the end, it was disappointment for Buckinghamshire, the borough of Chorley and everywhere within a five-mile radius of Motherwell as Northamptonshire won the nomination as the UK’s first Area of Outstanding All-Round Mediocrity (AOGM).

‘Neither quite vile enough for it to be funny, nor possessed of anything that might induce visitors to stay longer than it takes to use a toilet, this most nondescript of counties was a natural choice,’ said Lord Melvyn Bragg, chairman of the judging panel. ‘Its highest point is a mundane 738 feet. Its county flower is the cowslip. Even when Corby ceased to be the largest town in Britain without a railway station in 2009, Irthlingborough succeeded to the title. I could go on, but, you know, life’s too short, isn’t it?’

Parental advice awarded heritage status

'Don't say you weren't warned'Dubious claims by parents are to be preserved for the nation before they disappear completely, the Heritage Minister announced today.

‘Surely nobody really believes you’ll catch an airborne virus by leaving the house with wet hair,’ pointed out the minister, ‘or that masturbating turns you blind,’ he added in an interview for Mumsnet. ‘But it’s clear that British parenting myths have been proven to be the first demonstrable memes in any modern language and as such should be protected in law.’

Ice cube tray manufacturer wins award for irretrievable ice cubes

ice buggery bastards, more likeFor over 30 years, ice cube tray manufacturers have been engaged in a race to develop a container from which frozen water can never be extracted. Today UK company Pro-Plastic has been recognised for making the first container from which ice cubes cannot be retrieved, irrespective of the cunning and skill of the users.

Sacha Baron Cohen tipped for Emmys for tragi-comedy character ‘Russell Brand’

Comedy genius Sacha Baron Cohen has created arguably his most brilliant satirical character yet – the commie-tragic buffoon Russell Brand.

The comic creation – criticised by some who claimed Cohen was mocking people with narcissistic personality disorder – won millions of followers with his heart warming portrayal of a man suffering from delusions of grandeur.

Simon Bates and Bruno Brookes to host ‘Facebook Gold’ feed

facebook goldFormer Radio One DJs Simon Bates and Bruno Brookes are the latest addition to the growing roster of bank clerk Colin Taylor’s ‘Facebook Gold’ feed, joining Tony Blackburn and ‘Diddy’ David Hamilton.

Mr C banned from Billingsgate market for excessive ‘salmon’ requests

e's, obviouslyMr C, enigmatic frontman of early ’90s rave outfit The Shaman, has been handed a lifetime ban from Billingsgate fish market, lawyers representing the vendors’ association said today. The association lodged a formal complaint against the artist, real name Colin Angus, accusing him of habitually enquiring as to whether or not vendors stocked a certain product. He would then say ‘sorted’ and walk off without buying anything.

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