Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.
Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.
News In Brief
Cardiff City have sent a 5-page letter of complaint to the Premier League arguing that their 3-0 defeat at the hands of Crystal Palace in early April should not stand. The Welsh club claim to have firm evidence showing that Palace staff knew in advance that Cardiff were shit. Lawyers for the relegation threatened club allege in the letter that Palace boss Tony Pulis had watched Cardiff City play in the run up to the fixture and had even watched them a bit on Match of the Day the previous week.
Islamist preacher Abu Hamza, born Mustafa Kamal Mustafa, has appeared at the US federal court in New York this week, minus his scary bits. Hamza lost his hands doing something that ‘went down a bomb in Afghanistan’ during the 1980s, however health and safety officials have ruled that he could not wear his trademark hook in court after concerns that he could ‘have someone’s eye out.’
London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst. Though its existence is disputed by some, existential angst is a debilitating condition that strikes men in their mid-to-late forties.
Sufferers report a variety of symptoms ranging from chronic self-absorption to horror at the futility of existence. Until recently Mortimer had worked as an IT specialist, but was fired from his position after discovering that existential angst is not an acceptable reason to call in sick.
As UK primary schools announce their allocated places, aspiring parents have been forced to make some tough decisions between living with the shame of an infant in an average OFSTED institution or to ‘cut their losses and run’.
Social services have observed a spiked increase in the number of Jacobs and Jemimas left outside orphanages with nothing but a small bowl of couscous, a Boden catalogue and a £20 M&S voucher.
The magical realm of Narnia is in uproar today after receiving a highly critical review on holiday appraisal website TripAdvisor. The review, by the Pevensie family of Finchley, complains of awful weather, rude talking animals and poor quality Turkish Delight. ‘The kids had been pestering us to go for ages, and it was either that or Center Parcs,’ explained Mr Pevensie. ‘However, when we got there it was nothing like the brochures. The weather was terrible and, as far as I can tell, it is always winter there. The talking animals and mythical beasts were ill-tempered and unhelpful while the much famed Turkish Delight was cheap supermarket rubbish and a major disappointment.
The images form part of a campaign aimed at telling the world the relentless stream of crap known as ‘rolling news’ must never be stemmed by a return to more traditional journalistic values, such as proportion and relevance.
Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.
At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’
Although Dungeons & Dragons is celebrating its 40th anniversary, many participants are concerned that their contributions to society, heavy metal t-shirts and virginity have been overlooked. While other 80′s pastimes such as Tetris, rampant capitalism and heroin have achieved respectability, fans of D&D are still derided as ‘bespectacled geeks’.