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New Channel Tunnel back to North Africa unveiled

That'll sort itAfter months of top-secret excavation work, the results of a major Anglo-French construction project have been unveiled today: a brand-new extension of the Channel Tunnel that will take would-be migrants from Calais straight back to a currently undisclosed location in North Africa.

‘This has been a major engineering feat,’ David Cameron told journalists at a special opening ceremony. ‘A tunnel that runs along the English Channel, through the Bay of Biscay and around the Portuguese coast, before disgorging the hordes of asylum seekers back to roughly where they came from, must surely rank as one of the wonders of the modern world – at least, if the polls are right, in the eyes of most of Britain.’

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Chilcot still refusing to die

With the publication of his report years overdue, Sir John Chilcot continues to refuse to die so it can be axed as a gesture of respect.

Corbyn cruising in Reds title race

Jeremy Corbyn took another huge step in the Labour premiership race last night with a hard fought win away from home at relegation struggler Liz Kendal.

Play Doh clean-up enters third week

evil is among us...A team of experts and volunteers at 79 Chillworth Road, Tavistock, are still struggling to cope with a major environmental clean-up, three weeks after a group of children were allowed to play unsupervised with Play Doh.

The disaster occurred after a play date organised by Mrs. Muriel Franklin for her five year-old daughter got out of hand. ‘We thought they’d be okay on their own and the tennis was on, so we left them to it,’ she revealed, as she stared dejectedly at the aftermath. ‘It’s bad enough scraping it off the laminate under the dining room table, but where it’s been walked into the hallway carpet… I don’t know if I can carry on…’

Salmond: Second Bannockburn ‘inevitable’

Tomorrow? Belongs to me, ya ken!In his usual, measured, non-inflammatory manner, the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party Alex Salmond has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron to avenge both historical and current slights on a proud and powerful nation.

BBC ‘a good thing’, say some people who work there

Government-approved letter hints at brilliance of revered national institutionThe continuing row over the licence fee escalated today, as the BBC rounded up all the celebrities it has under contract and got them to say how great it is.

“Obviously, try and make it sound as if there’s some principle involved,” said the memo, which was anonymously leaked to a Sunday newspaper. “What makes Britain great, the envy of the world, that kind of thing. Don’t just gloat about how much money you’ve had out of us over the years.”

Seagulls could be used in war against IS, warns Cameron

per ardua, ad chipsDavid Cameron has said seagulls from Devon and Cornwall could be sent to Syria in a bid to help coalition forces tackle Islamist insurgents. A spokesperson for the unfussy seabirds said the gulls were definitely ‘up for a fight’, and would do whatever it takes to repel the terrorist threat posed by IS militia, especially if there was a fish supper in it for them.

New Labour to release cover version of ‘Just Say No’ (to socialism)

Things can only get bitterNew Labour has announced it will reform and record a special charity single – a cover of the Grange Hill classic ‘Just Say No’ – to warn against dabbling in left-wing politics.

‘Back in the 70s and 80s a lot of my friends were regularly leaning to the left,’ New Labour frontman Tony Blair told a packed press conference. ‘To watch their voter base slowly fade away as they shrank into the shadow of opposition broke my heart so much that I felt I needed a transplant. I was determined to stamp it out in the 90s and now socialism has reared its ugly head again, it’s time to get the old gang back together, with the possible exception of Prescott, and do something.’

London declares war on Yorkshire

Hague: "Your county needs you!"In a stunning new development in the fight against terror, London has declared war on Yorkshire. Citing the 7/7 bombings as justification, Prime Minister David Cameron said: ‘Yes, the bombers were all Muslims. But they were also all from Yorkshire, a fact which I don’t think has received enough attention until now.’

The Ministry of Defence expressed enthusiasm for the new strategy, a spokesman saying: ‘It’s a pain in the arse fighting bloody wars in the desert. The sand gets in everything. Yorkshire’s a much simpler proposition – we just need to give everyone a cagoule for the constant pissing rain.’

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