Dashing David Cameron has gaily abandoned his jacket, tossed off his tie, rolled up his sleeves and exposed his fleshy forearms to openly signal that he is right up for ‘doing the business’ with millions of Britain’s uncommitted swinger voters who have gone with multiple parties in the past.
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‘While Greenpeace would not condone violence – unless it’s a climate change sceptic and there are no cameras present – we must single out ISIS for their commitment to low carbon outcomes,’ said Greenpeace’s business spokesperson, Susan Mueslini.
‘Of course, I’m hoping to become an MP – the expenses are better and with enough SNP MPs in Parliament we can force the canteen to deep fry Mars bars the Holyrood way,’ said Alex Salmond today, ‘but if that doesnae pan out, I’m going tae run for London Mayor.’
Best known for making dance tracks out of that that noise your washing machine keeps making mid-cycle, Skrillex will accompany the opposition leader around the country advising him on matters of style, dress and appropriate use of hashtags.
With the strapline ‘See Naples and die…before you get there’, one Tripoli-based cruise company is reporting a bumper season by tempting hundreds of African tourists to take up the offer of no-frills trips part of the way to the Sicilian coast.
With five questionably seaworthy vessels and a fully refurbished, century-old dhow in its fleet, ‘Ahmed is Your Med Tours’ offers exclusive one-way trips to Sicily and whatever Mediterranean port it can find without the unnecessary expense of fuel or a rudder.
There were chaotic scenes across England today as tens of thousands of people fled the country rather than stay and face up to the prospect of the Scottish National Party taking power. The crisis reached a tipping point as today’s Daily Mail front page headline, ‘Scottish Natzis coming to kill your families and drive down house prices’, triggered widespread panic.
Now that the entire General Election revolves around glowing generalities, a cross-party committee of MPs has agreed that greater representation should be given to positive, abstract concepts. So with the last day of voter registration looming fast, all spare votes will be distributed among those impossible-to-prove beliefs such as the ‘common good’, ‘patriotism’ and ‘Britain’s Got Talent’.
Nigel Farage has vowed to shoot himself in the foot after accusing it of being ‘a socialist’. UKIP supporters were concerned when Mr Farage started addressing his left foot as ‘Michael’ and accusing it of treachery. He also addressed his right foot as ‘Margaret’, stroking it lovingly in an interview on Breakfast Time.
Children as young as five will now be given compulsory lectures on their teachers’ domestic hell as Divorce Education is made compulsory in primary schools. The move comes amid fears children are accessing material such as Don’t Tell the Bride and One Born Every Minute, as well as websites depicting couples in healthy loving relationships, and getting a skewed impression of what marriage is really like.