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Disaffected UK extremists ‘may not be allowed to re-join the Conservative Party’

...won't be allowed abroad either, not that they would ever want to leave UKThe Prime Minister today announced a new raft of measures designed to combat the threat of Britons joining the shadowy extremist group UKIP, including removing the right of those individuals to later return to the Conservative Party.

While support for UKIP continues to grow, many of those who joined are now looking for a way back, having become disillusioned with life in the organisation. Douglas Barswell (not his real name) is one such individual. Douglas joined UKIP a few months ago, after being radicalised by the online sermons of their enigmatic leader Nige Al-Farage, but now wants to leave.

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Michael Buerk files his first report from ‘I’m a Celebrity’ jungle

‘Dawn. And as the sun breaks through the piercing chill of night on the camp outside the producers’ hotel, it lights up the scene of a 1990s game show, now, in the 21st Century. This show, say the people here, is the closest thing to free publicity on earth.’

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New research cast doubts on the story of the tortoise and the hare

Scientists at a West Midlands University have expressed doubts about the story of the tortoise and the hare, after reproducing the race under laboratory conditions. The researchers recruited a variety of species of tortoise and hare and raced them over distances from 10 metres up to 10 miles. In every single case the hare won and the tortoise had barely finished crossing the start line.

Emily Thornberry goes into standby mode after sending last image

Labour MP Emily Thornberry has shut herself down and gone into standby mode after a sudden loss of power. Labour Party Central say that they lost contact with Thornberry on Friday shortly after travelling to Rochester and believe the shut-down may be a result of having spent too long in the shadow cabinet after a long political journey.

Derbyshire man devises fellatio voucher scheme after breastfeeding initiative

Gary Prendergast, a 32 year old Derbyshire man, has successfully introduced a fellatio voucher scheme into his marriage.

The scheme follows on from a controversial Government health program in three areas of Derbyshire to persuade mothers to breastfeed by offering them shopping vouchers of up to £200.

‘After giving birth the wife suddenly became reluctant to go down in her usual way saying things were different now that we’d got the bab. So when she started getting vouchers to suckle the little nipper I realised that some kind of incentive was the best way forward if my little nipper was to get some attention too.’

Miliband to acquire white van and visible bumcrack

‘As it goes I favour the Transit, long wheelbase. It’s a classic innit. None of your foreign shite, Renault or whatever, as driven by some Latvian with a PHd in Economics, a thriving decorating business in Chigwell and a brother on benefits and probably out grooming or dogging most nights. Send ‘em back where they belong, is what I say, subject to the Human Rights Act and existing EU Legislation and the employment needs of a newly recovering economy.’

Mr Miliband was speaking to reporters in the wake of the Rochester by election. ‘Let’s get this straight, I’m yer ordinary Lidl or Aldi shopper in the street, wiv like a young family, a 3 bed Wimpey without offstreet parking, and, OK, a former teaching post at Harvard. But could you get a decent pint there? Could you not! But that’s all behind me. From now till the general wosname, I’ll be travelling the length and breadth in the (sic) Transit, listening to what voters are really concerned about, eating chips, drinking beer and quoting for the odd bit of kitchen fitting, innit. An’ kipping in the back.

Men relish denouncing 1970s sexism while still repeatedly saying ‘tits’

Deep, meaningful, respectful, thoughtful, pert observation somewhere round hereShocking revelations about how senior figures from the world of entertainment got away with sexual harassment, combined with an unlimited appetite for instant nostalgia among those who grew up with Spangles and Raleigh Choppers, are creating an ideal situation for middle-aged men. For those who get paid to pass sardonic comment on long-forgotten sitcoms where ‘dirty old men’ leered at ‘dolly birds’, it is better still.

‘Incredible,’ said David Baddiel, after watching an episode of The Professionals in which Bodie calmly fished a grenade out of a screaming Pamela Stephenson’s top. ‘Not only did they think it’s OK to have him rip her thin blouse wide open and slap her face to calm her down, they also have her look up at him doe-eyed and grateful for casually brushing the residue off her tits afterwards. Rescuing a woman, however heroically, does not automatically entitle you to touch her tits. Shocking.’

Terror threat raised as Cotswolds Vicar declares Church of England Caliphate

The truth will set you free. What faith will do, nobody really knows...With much of the world distracted by the campaign against ISIS in the Middle East, Britain faces a new home-grown terror threat, after Stow-In- the-Wold vicar Jeremy Blythe pronounced an independent Anglican Caliphate stretching across much of rural Oxfordshire.
‘We have seized control of the parish councils of Stow, Coln St Aldwyns and Daglingworth,’ announced Blythe this morning, ’and as I speak, our forces are advancing on Shipston on Stour.’

England refuse to win the World Cup in protest

they think it's all over...In a bold statement of principle, the English Football Association has agreed to forego any chance of winning a trophy in order to pressure FIFA into reforming. Despite knowing that any team with Chris Smalling in it is bound to achieve Euro and World glory, the FA has insisted we will turn our back on this ‘dead cert’ unless Qatar relocates to the North Pole, FIFA rejects their Mob accountancy and Sepp Blatter admits he is Keyser Söze.

Bob Geldof to extend Band Aid concept to Boomtown Rats singles

The Great British Geldof‘It’s feckin’ genius,’ said the singer/songwriter, speaking about the fourth successful release of ‘Don’t They Know it’s Christmas?’ in thirty years. ‘I can’t believe it, surely they’ve cracked on to the date by now?’ he asked before launching into his new project. ‘You know, one of the reasons I stopped doing the Boomtown Rats was because writing songs is so feckin’ tedious, making words rhyme and stories that sorta make some sense,’ he said, adding, ‘but then I thought why don’t I do a Band Aid thing with my old songs, change a lyric here, add a chord there, slip in Bono wherever I can?’

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