In joint celebration of this year’s summer holidays and the impending milestone of becoming Britain’s longest reigning monarch, Her Majesty the Queen is to instigate a ‘Wear What You Like’ day for the Royal Household, palace officials have revealed.
‘The last day of before the holidays is traditionally a time for people to let off steam,’ said Royal Press Secretary Sir Cuthbert Morse. ‘And after months of pomp and protocol, this applies even more so to Her Majesty’s hard working staff. Thanks to Her graciousness, they can enjoy at least one casual day – top button undone, shoes unpolished, or in my case, Iron Maiden T-shirt proudly on display.’
News In Brief
The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) today unveiled fresh plans to try Lord Janner in connection with alleged historical child abuse.
The BBC has named Chris Evans as the new co-host of Top Gear when it returns with new host Chris Evans. The announcement was made on the BBC Radio 2 Chris Evans Breakfast Show this morning.
Three generations of one family are feared to have taken a perilous trip to Margate after being radicalised by the Margate-tourism website. “We fear they may have been taken in by the swathes of PhotoShopped beaches, images with pensioners airbrushed out and, of course, you can’t smell wee on a web page,” said a senior detective working on anti-radicalisation duties with Scotland Yard.
TV host Jeremy Kyle has admitted defeat in his bold attempt to distract Tudor monarch Henry VIII from his bid to divorce his middle-aged wife and overthrow the authority of the Papacy. The episode, entitled ‘You Had Sex With My Dead Brother, You Slag, Now God Won’t Give Me Any Sons’, is due to be aired next Wednesday.
Intelligence officials have closed down sections of the UK’s capital, in order to stage a simulation of the terror conditions that will occur in the wake of the Wimbledon Champion ‘choking in the quarter finals’.
The exercise involves 1,000 police officers, all of whom have been instructed to ‘taser on sight’ anyone seen weeping into a punnet of strawberries.
A survey of UK incomes has confirmed that people with real jobs – defined by the government as ones they can explain to their parents – are destined to scrape along just above poverty levels until death, while total arseholes doing socially useless things that mean nothing to nobody have to compensate for their unpopularity with industrial quantities of loot.
God, the creator of the universe and leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was today asked by worshippers from a variety of faiths to add a dash of mystery to the manner in which he goes about governing the forces of nature, responding to the prayers of his followers and guiding his emissaries on Earth.
Not to be out done by the United States’ decision to legalise same-sex marriage, the British judiciary has laid out plans to take marriage in general to a whole new level of kitsch. One UK MP commented: ‘This isn’t about sexual orientation; it’s about everyone’s right to dress as Elvis, surrounded by lava lamps, while dancing to Kylie Minogue’.