The Latvian president Andris Bērziņš refused to accept a demand by his Lithuanian counterpart that if they quit the EU it would be called a Lexit. ‘They’re not even planning to leave,’ Bērziņš complained. ‘I know we aren’t either, but in London they’re planning a Brexit and in Athens a Grexit, so why shouldn’t we also expend lots of pointless hot air about a Lexit here in Riga?’
Following drag queen Conchita Wurst’s sensational victory last year Austria have opted for more traditional Eurovision fare this time around. Singer-songwriter Lena Weber’s melodic ballad ‘Grossvater’ is an affectionate homage to her grandfather who was, Lena tells us, a kindly Tyrolean dairy farmer, loyal family man and former camp commandant at Buchenwald.
News In Brief
European leaders have voted unanimously to initiate a global nuclear conflagration in the hope of finally bringing to an end the Eurovision Song Contest.
A two year-old stamped her feet and threw her dummy to the floor in protest at a Dublin yesterday, after seeing a Mothercare poster depicting a happy nuclear family and realising that she has two mummies and no daddy.
The British porn industry has revealed that it will hold its own in-out debate ahead of the EU referendum in 2017. Porn stars are currently split right down the middle, with many, particularly among the women, saying that they could swing either way. With things being so tight, both camps said that they were keen to explain to members the thrust of their position.
One concern for Eurosceptics is the possibility of a back-door deal between David Cameron and Angela Merkel, because of the blowback it might cause. ‘If he pulls out too quickly it could be a total shitstorm for everyone involved,’ said Rod Longstaff.
Reports are coming in from the southern province of East Sussex that a fundamentalist force of Christian bakers, cake decorators and cream fillers have worked themselves up into an extreme state and seized control of Britain’s ancient gay capital, Brighton, vowing to destroy every remnant of it.
Several sites of special sexual interest have already been bulldozed, including the Pink Moustache gay bar, Glitterballs nightclub and the Pumping Muscle gym – you know, the one that Geoff stopped going to because he kept finding empty lube bottles in the changing room, but now he’s worried he might be an awful bigot just like his dad.
An elderly woman in Beaconsfield who spent twenty minutes in a bus queue failed to disclose her age, despite several opportunities. People waiting for the number 39 circular were left stunned when their fellow passenger mounted the bus, having only complained about the weather, the price of digestive biscuits and the youth of today.
Stung by the revelation that its election campaign did not understand the worlds of enterprise and high finance, the contenders for the party leadership have vowed to prove their business credentials. This will start next week, with Yvette Cooper offering her naked buttocks as a cocaine-cruet for Andy Burnham.
‘In hindsight, our campaign lacked the energy that business-minded people can bring to the party,’ said Burnham, announcing the snorting programme. ‘We have overlooked the kind of people who aspire to prosperity, wealth and reckless behaviour involving snorting Class A drugs from leadership contenders’ naked flesh.’
England, Wales and Northern Ireland, the other three constituent parts of the Divided Kingdom, have come together to ask Scotland if it wouldn’t mind pouring itself a nice glass of Irn-Bru and sorting its head out once and for all. This follows a referendum last year in which Scotland voted strongly against independence and a general election earlier this month in which it voted overwhelmingly for a party whose sole purpose is to secure independence.
Police were called to the Blue Rinse Cafe on the seafront at Shanklin, Isle of Wight, yesterday to deal with an outbreak of the type of violence not seen since the mid-1960s. The trouble is understood to have erupted when a gang on mobility scooters aggressively took the last parking spaces. The number of those mildly put out is put at nine, but may rise.