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People in Crimewatch reconstructions ‘just actors’, programme makers confirm

'Have nightmares, don't sleep well.'The BBC today issued a statement emphasising that the people shown apparently committing crimes in the “reconstructions” segment of its popular Crimewatch series are just actors, performing a prearranged series of words and actions they have committed to memory.

This follows reports that a number of people, whom the producers describe as ‘unbelievable f*ckwits’, regularly call in identifying the actors, sometimes even citing other programmes they have appeared in to help the authorities track them down.

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Amazon delivery man demands hot dinner then punches customer in face

While two fellow drivers looked on sniggering, an Amazon delivery man demanded steak and chips then punched the customer in the face when the request was refused.

Relief after dead lion is revealed to be two men in a costume

In news that will bring joy to animal lovers everywhere, it was discovered that dentist Walt Palmer did not kill Cecil, ‘King of the Jungle’, and instead only shot two poor, desperate Zimbabweans dressed up in a furry suit.

Channel Tunnel NOT a gateway to Narnia

And anyway, Aslan's been shot by a dentistThe Ministry of Defence has been forced to release a blanket denial that Calais’ entrance to the UK is the portal to a fantasy kingdom of bounteous social benefits and friendly characters from classic British fiction. Sadly, immigrants have been flooding into the area under this mistaken belief that they will get to meet Aslan, hobbits and the cast of ‘Glee’.

Nightly, hundreds of desperate stowaways risk their lives to get a peek of the animals of Farthing Wood who they believe are waiting at the other end. One migrant admitted: ‘The UK is the land of milk and honey – resting on the backs of four huge elephants and one enormous space turtle. And where else can you claim child benefit for dependents living outside the UK, while at the same time sending you other kids to Hogwarts?’

Husband fails to conceal adoration for University Challenge contestant

Oh, come on!Quiz fanatic Douglas Poulter was in hot water last night after an attractive female University Challenge contestant left him dumb-struck for several starters for ten.

The usually vocal know-it-all was conspicuously slack-jawed for at least five rounds of questions while he indulged in a silent reverie that featured the young history student in a translucent summer dress, a steamy Athenian grove, and a hastily devoured picnic of oysters and figs.

New Channel Tunnel back to North Africa unveiled

That'll sort itAfter months of top-secret excavation work, the results of a major Anglo-French construction project have been unveiled today: a brand-new extension of the Channel Tunnel that will take would-be migrants from Calais straight back to a currently undisclosed location in North Africa.

Play Doh clean-up enters third week

evil is among us...A team of experts and volunteers at 79 Chillworth Road, Tavistock, are still struggling to cope with a major environmental clean-up, three weeks after a group of children were allowed to play unsupervised with Play Doh.

Salmond: Second Bannockburn ‘inevitable’

Tomorrow? Belongs to me, ya ken!In his usual, measured, non-inflammatory manner, the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party Alex Salmond has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron to avenge both historical and current slights on a proud and powerful nation.

BBC ‘a good thing’, say some people who work there

Government-approved letter hints at brilliance of revered national institutionThe continuing row over the licence fee escalated today, as the BBC rounded up all the celebrities it has under contract and got them to say how great it is.

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