A senior manager at MI6 has been sacked for spending the majority of his working day standing looking out of the window in a wistful manner. The man known only as ‘B’ is believed to have angered security chiefs by allowing vast amounts of important paperwork and emails to build up while the air in his office hung heavy with a vague feeling of regret and loss.
‘Last week I took him an important file,’ said an unnamed MI6 operative. ‘When I went into his office he was standing with his back to me looking out of the window as usual. I said ‘the top floor needs an answer on this in an hour sir’ and left the file on his desk. He just said ‘Well we mustn’t keep the top floor waiting must we?’.’
Spanish Footballer: Loved his nature programmes. Sad news #gorillas #takethat
Ben Thomas: He wasn’t in gorillaz. That was Damon Albarn. Tit. #blur #feud
Rob Watson: It’s Attenborough the actor. He was an actor ffs. #plebs
Reality Tv star: Don’t fink he was acting. He genuinely loved animals.
News In Brief
UKIP members in South Thanet have been thrown into disarray by the unexpected hypersensitivity to unpasteurised beer of their frontrunner for the 2015 general election. Having quaffed over 20,000 pints on the election trail to appear as an ‘everyman’ to voters, Mr. Farage has now become riddled with hives every time he swallows a mouthful of Bishop’s Cock.
Mohammed Ahmad, head of Public Relations for Islamic State has admitted that his department isn’t performing as well as he expected. ‘I felt the timing of the name change from ISIS to IS was a mistake, plus I was gutted when my favoured choice of rebranding name, Consignia, wasn’t available’ he said.
In the aftermath of Alex Salmond shouting Alistair Darling into submission, the remaining parts of the British Isles have resigned themselves to the fact that its time ‘to move on’ and start seeing other countries. To this end, the Foreign Office has put out a series of classified ads asking for those interested in love, union and a ‘B&D parliamentary system’.
The exact wording of the full advert mentions a ‘long-term business arrangement’ but also, in what is seen as a veiled dig at the Scots, a request for someone who is ‘…well endowed, drug and disease free’. However, contrary to their own protestations, the UK has clearly not obtained ‘full closure’; welcoming applications from a ‘chubby, argumentative red head.’
‘I must admit they make a refreshing change from all those boring pet videos, which have been flogged to death.’ said Mrs Irene Crudwell, 88, from Bournemouth. ‘In fact, I’d quite like to be beheaded on video myself; surely it must be cheaper than Dignitas – all you need is the air fare. You would get a lasting video for all your loved ones to cherish and worldwide fame to compensate for your boring meaningless life. Besides, I’ve never been to Iraq and I’ve heard it’s lovely this time of the year.’
According to some highly questionable accounts written by an anonymous doctor going by the name of Luke, the girl who is referred to only as Mary was taken advantage of by an almighty intruder who somehow managed to gain entry to her home without her parents’ knowledge. The as yet unauthenticated document seems to suggest events in which the mysterious assailant proceeded to ply the innocent Mary with holy spirit. He then asserted his divine will before finally impregnating her without leaving a single seed of evidence.
The perpetrating procreator is widely believed to be an elderly, but exceptionally potent, bearded man who seeks to control the vulnerable and irrational by using a combination of guilt psychology, threats of fiery damnation and promises of eternal milk and honey.
New research by the Home Office suggests that Islamic State militants’ attempts to found a Caliphate in northern Iraq is being backed up by hundreds of British volunteers unable to get a foothold in Britain’s spiralling housing or rental market.
Seen as the only option to escape an oppressive annual house price inflation of over 10%, intelligence suggests hundreds of unmortgageable British Muslims have travelled to warzones to eschew oppressive capitalist ‘fair lending’ criteria after IS promised them ‘a nice semi-detached, with on-street parking’.
Following the recent raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s home, where police hung around for a while tending the plants and generally keeping the place tidy while the BBC filmed it, many celebrities are vying to experience for themselves the new BBC/Police house-sitting service while they are off on their holidays.
‘We have had heaps of enquiries,’ trilled the South Yorkshire Police Events Manager, Pauli Throop. ‘Our Flying Squad eye-in-the-sky package offers a discreet and professional service that won’t disintegrate your front door by whumping it in with one of those battering rams we use with our Channel Four budget ‘Crims on a Shoestring’ deal. Our highly-trained operatives will not so much as thieve a ‘Sir Cliff On Rollerskates’ ashtray.’
The incident had been reported by several eye witnesses on the platform who apparently wanted to get in the container but couldn’t, and police later discovered several other containers attached to the first with hundreds more desperate souls in similarly atrocious conditions.