Military chiefs are warning that a reduction in the army’s budget means that more British soldiers are now dying in foreign conflicts without the benefit of slow motion and haunting ethnic music playing over the scene.
‘A lot of our boys aren’t getting a proper send-off due to cutbacks’ said Colonel Bob Armitage ‘it’s a serious problem. Our chaps go to these war-zones and sacrifice their lives for the cause and the least they should expect is that when their number’s up they’ll get to die in slow-mo with a mellifluous vocal arrangement playing over the top. Is that too much to ask?’.
News In Brief
Wonga has said that it wouldn’t touch itself with a fucking barge pole, despite recently announcing that its profits have plummeted by more than half.
Deputy Prime Minster Nick Clegg is set to unveil a radical change of image at next week’s Liberal Democrat Party conference. In an attempt to appear more enigmatic Clegg will deliver his leader’s speech wearing a patch over his right eye and a large scar on his left cheek.
‘We have strong suspicions that the truck wasn’t taxed,’ said an aerial reconnaissance expert, ‘or maybe the owner removed the tax disc a day early. Either way, it certainly didn’t look roadworthy, and almost certainly wouldn’t have passed its MOT had it not been destroyed.’ It is an operational objective of the Allies to remove all Islamic State vehicles that are not safe, taxed and suitably insured. ‘We’re cracking down on the illegal use of red diesel, too,’ said one of the operational commanders.
Following the success of its website, which takes visitors to old news items as if they were recent events, the BBC has decided to randomise all news coverage, with old events appearing alongside new.
‘The BBC believes in challenging itself’, a spokesman said. ‘The licence-fee payer deserves a service which is distinct from that offered by other news outlets – CNN, Al Jazeera etc. One question we asked was : why does news have to be so new? What’s wrong with classic news?
Hot on the heels of surprise new albums from U2 and Beyonce, the music world has again been rocked by news that Radiohead had released their tenth album online three weeks ago. Postmortemism came out to coincide with the thirteenth anniversary of 9/11 and was deleted the following day, before anyone could become aware of its existence.
Lead singer Thom Yorke explained that the band were sick of ‘prostituting themselves’ by bothering to tell people when they issued new music. Instead, the band flagged up the album’s release by posting a series of cryptic five second animations on their website of aardvarks flossing their teeth.
Animal rights activists have reacted in horror after the exponential rise in meerkat numbers throughout Europe forced Russian authorities to introduce a genetically modified strain of the myxomatosis virus into the village of Meerkovo. Meerkat numbers have grown massively in the last couple of years, from a solitary ‘uber-meerkat’ to a ‘plague of Biblical proportions’, according to Yuri Rochenko, head of the Moscow State Pest Control Authority.
‘What started off as one meerkat on a TV advert has rapidly increased to a whole village full of them and they’re now spreading to other European countries, infiltrating nation states by being boxed up and sold with insurance policies. There is an urgent need to keep these vermin down in a humane way that does not invalidate our no-claims bonuses.’
In a move welcomed by office workers everywhere, the Oxford English Dictionary has today granted full ironic status to the expression ‘working from home’. This status will initially apply to Fridays only, but depending on its success may in due course be rolled out across the entire working week.
Before this ground-breaking move, the traditional excuse given for a manager’s absence from the office on a Friday was required to be accompanied by a wiggling of the index and middle fingers of both hands, a raising of the eyebrows and an exaggerated pout. When used on the phone, the expression had to be said in a slow, emphasised way, preferably with a small pause beforehand and a clearing of the throat afterwards.
Following his last minute show of support for the Yes campaign in last week’s Scottish independence referendum, tennis star Andy Murray has issued a statement of apology to the British public for any offence he may have caused by saying something that was not a confused jumble of sports-related clichés in a miserable-sounding voice.
‘Having kept fully abreast of the referendum campaign in my home country, I foolishly proffered an opinion and showed a preference for a specific outcome on the issue of Scottish self-determination,’ Murray said. ‘I now realise that this was entirely wrong of me and that I had no right to enter the debate that affected the future of the country in which I was born and raised.’