The online Oxford dictionary has added the act of ‘manspreading’ as a low-fat alternative to ‘moisturising your toast’. This somewhat unconventional spread involves rubbing cooked vegetables on the inner thighs of a hirsute man; this condiment then releases water-in-fat emulsion combined with the heady aroma of a festering jock-strap.
The origins of manspread date back to the Napoleonic era, when aroused Frenchmen would regularly ferment cream in the folds of their ‘nether regions’. Subsequently this butter substitute has proved very popular among dieters, who claim that calorie intake is significantly reduced when food is smeared in unappetising man juice.
News In Brief
Schoolchildren from a South London primary school have entered the county of Wiltshire, and are heading toward Stonehenge, according to reports.
Scotland Yard spokesperson for The 1997 – 2000 ‘Birding with Bill Oddie,’ child abuse enquiry said this morning that accusations were filtering in from several minors invited to the filming that Bill Oddie ‘never touched them up’.
Officials from the Weston-Super-Mare tourist board have advised visitors heading to the town that Banksy’s dystopian nightmare bemusement park does not start ‘as soon as you leave Junction 21 on the M5 motorway’.