With much of the world distracted by the campaign against ISIS in the Middle East, Britain faces a new home-grown terror threat, after Stow-In- the-Wold vicar Jeremy Blythe pronounced an independent Anglican Caliphate stretching across much of rural Oxfordshire.
‘We have seized control of the parish councils of Stow, Coln St Aldwyns and Daglingworth,’ announced Blythe this morning, ’and as I speak, our forces are advancing on Shipston on Stour.’
News In Brief
A tourist has been fined 100 Euros by the European Space Agency (ESA) for leaving critical comments about them on travel review website Travel Advisor.
Mr Philae Lander posted the negative comments whilst holidaying on the ‘paradise retreat’ of Comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko.
Independent FIFA Investigator Baron Deutschland von Uberalles has found against England in his investigation into the 1966 World Cup final.
In a bold statement of principle, the English Football Association has agreed to forego any chance of winning a trophy in order to pressure FIFA into reforming. Despite knowing that any team with Chris Smalling in it is bound to achieve Euro and World glory, the FA has insisted we will turn our back on this ‘dead cert’ unless Qatar relocates to the North Pole, FIFA rejects their Mob accountancy and Sepp Blatter admits he is Keyser Söze.
‘It’s feckin’ genius,’ said the singer/songwriter, speaking about the fourth successful release of ‘Don’t They Know it’s Christmas?’ in thirty years. ‘I can’t believe it, surely they’ve cracked on to the date by now?’ he asked before launching into his new project. ‘You know, one of the reasons I stopped doing the Boomtown Rats was because writing songs is so feckin’ tedious, making words rhyme and stories that sorta make some sense,’ he said, adding, ‘but then I thought why don’t I do a Band Aid thing with my old songs, change a lyric here, add a chord there, slip in Bono wherever I can?’
‘We want to make everyone cry in the run up to Christmas, so they will buy shedloads of our overpriced comestibles,’ explained CEO Nat Wilderman, ‘but frankly, John Lewis and Sainsbury’s have already sewn up the market this year.’
FIFA President Sepp Blatter has announced that the organisation is to launch a ‘root and branch’ investigation into claims that British servicemen were involved in ‘match-fixing’ against Germany, during a hastily arranged international on Christmas Day in 1914.
Despite costing a meagre £1.1bn and possibly changing the course of human civilisation as we know it, the banking community has been quick to dismiss the Rosetta Space Mission as a ‘frivolous boondoggle’. Another so-called giant leap for mankind, they argue, could easily have been reinvested in subprime mortgages, money laundering or paying for ‘the world’s greatest lap-dance’.
FIFA announced this morning that their internal inquiry has formally cleared the successful 2022 World Cup bid from the planet Neptune of all corruption charges. ‘This is great news,’ explained Tharak the Mighty, one of the Neptunian sentient gas beings that fronted the bid. ‘This should finally put to bed all the allegations and lies that have been made against us’.