There has been widespread anger as members of the British liberal-left elite have lined up to pay tributes to Nelson Mandela, a convicted Communist terrorist from South Africa. After many months selfishly occupying a bed in a private hospital in Pretoria, Mandela died at his luxurious house in Johannesburg last week, aged 95. Some of the people hypocritically laying wreaths outside the South African embassy, the Daily Mail understands, were the very same as those who demonstrated there regularly in the 1980s.
‘Who says that Britain doesn’t produce anything anymore?’
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Take, for instance the phrases ‘the place is literally crawling with journalists’ or ‘he literally hammered the ball home’, neither of which involved crawling or DIY tools.
‘If your Dreamcatcher is wired up as shown, you might notice fewer dreams. Dreams that you have always had, will commonly be destroyed in a soul crushing and usually ironic fashion, as if a deity were teaching you a lesson. Please return immediately.’
As the inevitable squabble over Nelson Mandela’s estate descends into chaos, advertising agencies have been left on tenterhooks awaiting the appropriate time to trample over his legacy. Untroubled by guilt and the minutiae of ethics, most executives are unable to judge when a respectful period of bereavement ends and the start of massive quasi-orgasmic ‘spondulicks. bonanza’ begins.
As with other twentieth century icons, the Mandela’s image will soon adorn t-shirts, bumper stickers and G4S prisons. While Santa pimps himself out to Coca Cola, who now remembers that Ronald McDonald was once the co-author of the ‘I have a Dream’ speech or that Tony the Tiger was a Sri Lankan separatist? Many South African activists are concerned that Mandela’s new aftershave, duet with Robin Thicke and musical biopic ‘Apartheid – Disco Inferno’ will some how ‘devalue his brand’.
An undercover police operation has revealed that a Mafia-like organisation is behind the huge number of retired people queuing in banks and post offices during lunchtimes. Pensioners across the country are being strategically deployed between noon and 2pm to bring frustration and anger to the working public under the overall control of one man known only as ‘The Godgrandfather.’
Metaphors, anecdotes and comparisons with occupations from a bygone age are all hopeless when explaining ‘what exactly is it you do’, according to a new report. The verdict will make grim reading for people preparing for Christmas, as they visit friends and relatives to face probing questions about how they spend their days. A staggering 65% of a study group is still totally unable to explain themselves adequately to a range of audiences with different capacities of understanding.
Schoolchildren up and down Britain are still struggling to come to terms with the acclaim accorded to Malala Yousafzai, a Pakistani school pupil and activist blogger who was shot in the head by the Taliban in 2011 for campaigning for girls’ education rights. They have unanimously agreed that her conduct is ‘well rank’ and that she should have been grateful not to have to sit through double Maths every Tuesday morning.
Malala’s courage and determination has earned her acclaim all over the world. Since her miraculous survival, she has been instrumental in the ratification of Pakistan’s first Right to Education Bill, was named one of Time Magazine’s ’100 Most Influential People in the World’ and was nominated for the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize among many other things. However, British teenagers have dismissed all this as ‘totally gay’.
Eager shoppers are setting up camp outside greengrocers along the length and breadth of the country today in order to be first in the queue for the release of this year’s must-have Christmas gift: a squashed satsuma and some walnuts.
‘2013 is the year of nostalgia,’ believes Julia Franklin of Frankiln’s Festive Supplies. ‘Nothing beats the magic, after tossing aside the rest of your presents, of reaching down to the bottom of your stocking, pillow case or, increasingly these days, bin liner, to find the remnants of a small citrus fruit smeared over a walnut. It knocks your Playstation 4 into a cocked hat – cocked paper hats being another top seller this year.’
Fans of online shopping will soon see unmanned drones dropping a range of seasonal products upon their heads; with Syria already registering an interest in the express of delivery of 800 tonnes of ‘fake snow’. Chief Executive Jeff Bezos has promised, within five years, we can expect to see ‘Octocopters’ depositing 2.3kg packages on unsuspecting schools, wedding parties and terrorists in search of cut price DVDs.