The Prime Minister today announced a new raft of measures designed to combat the threat of Britons joining the shadowy extremist group UKIP, including removing the right of those individuals to later return to the Conservative Party.
While support for UKIP continues to grow, many of those who joined are now looking for a way back, having become disillusioned with life in the organisation. Douglas Barswell (not his real name) is one such individual. Douglas joined UKIP a few months ago, after being radicalised by the online sermons of their enigmatic leader Nige Al-Farage, but now wants to leave.
‘Dawn. And as the sun breaks through the piercing chill of night on the camp outside the producers’ hotel, it lights up the scene of a 1990s game show, now, in the 21st Century. This show, say the people here, is the closest thing to free publicity on earth.’
News In Brief
After two stints as President, two as Prime Minister and now another as President, Vladimir Putin is still unable to justify stepping down in the foreseeable future when there’s ‘so much more to do’, according to reports from the Kremlin.
More than 5,000 people braved pouring rain in Scunthorpe last night to watch 93 year old Reginald Smith’s Christmas lights being switched off.
‘As it goes I favour the Transit, long wheelbase. It’s a classic innit. None of your foreign shite, Renault or whatever, as driven by some Latvian with a PHd in Economics, a thriving decorating business in Chigwell and a brother on benefits and probably out grooming or dogging most nights. Send ‘em back where they belong, is what I say, subject to the Human Rights Act and existing EU Legislation and the employment needs of a newly recovering economy.’
Shocking revelations about how senior figures from the world of entertainment got away with sexual harassment, combined with an unlimited appetite for instant nostalgia among those who grew up with Spangles and Raleigh Choppers, are creating an ideal situation for middle-aged men. For those who get paid to pass sardonic comment on long-forgotten sitcoms where ‘dirty old men’ leered at ‘dolly birds’, it is better still.
With much of the world distracted by the campaign against ISIS in the Middle East, Britain faces a new home-grown terror threat, after Stow-In- the-Wold vicar Jeremy Blythe pronounced an independent Anglican Caliphate stretching across much of rural Oxfordshire.
In a bold statement of principle, the English Football Association has agreed to forego any chance of winning a trophy in order to pressure FIFA into reforming. Despite knowing that any team with Chris Smalling in it is bound to achieve Euro and World glory, the FA has insisted we will turn our back on this ‘dead cert’ unless Qatar relocates to the North Pole, FIFA rejects their Mob accountancy and Sepp Blatter admits he is Keyser Söze.
‘It’s feckin’ genius,’ said the singer/songwriter, speaking about the fourth successful release of ‘Don’t They Know it’s Christmas?’ in thirty years. ‘I can’t believe it, surely they’ve cracked on to the date by now?’ he asked before launching into his new project.