Following the signing of former Top Gear presenters Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, online retail and media giant Amazon have announced plans to ‘physically stream’ the maverick trio into viewers’ homes via Prime Air drones.
‘Our Amazon Prime Air service is a high-end, high-profile delivery platform befitting a high-end, high-profile presenting team,’ revealed Jay Marine, vice-president of Amazon Prime Video EU. ‘What better way to send this exciting new content to consumers? From the very moment we met them, the first thing we thought of was ‘drones’.’
News In Brief
Amid the controversy surrounding the killing of ‘Cecil’ the lion, the focus has now switched from a US poacher with a dental license, to ‘some naked dude’ without hunting license. Zimbabwean officials have accused a Mr. Herecles of using his gnarled club to kill both a lion and a hydra – all while having his ‘junk on display’.
While two fellow drivers looked on sniggering, an Amazon delivery man demanded steak and chips then punched the customer in the face when the request was refused.
For days, the left has been wringing its hands on social media over the fate of ‘Cecil’, the iconic African lion who was shot dead by a brave, freedom-loving American hunter armed only with a high-powered crossbow. Now, however, the ugly truth about this distasteful animal is slowly beginning to emerge.
The BBC today issued a statement emphasising that the people shown apparently committing crimes in the “reconstructions” segment of its popular Crimewatch series are just actors, performing a prearranged series of words and actions they have committed to memory.
This follows reports that a number of people, whom the producers describe as ‘unbelievable f*ckwits’, regularly call in identifying the actors, sometimes even citing other programmes they have appeared in to help the authorities track them down.
The Ministry of Defence has been forced to release a blanket denial that Calais’ entrance to the UK is the portal to a fantasy kingdom of bounteous social benefits and friendly characters from classic British fiction. Sadly, immigrants have been flooding into the area under this mistaken belief that they will get to meet Aslan, hobbits and the cast of ‘Glee’.
Nightly, hundreds of desperate stowaways risk their lives to get a peek of the animals of Farthing Wood who they believe are waiting at the other end. One migrant admitted: ‘The UK is the land of milk and honey – resting on the backs of four huge elephants and one enormous space turtle. And where else can you claim child benefit for dependents living outside the UK, while at the same time sending you other kids to Hogwarts?’
The usually vocal know-it-all was conspicuously slack-jawed for at least five rounds of questions while he indulged in a silent reverie that featured the young history student in a translucent summer dress, a steamy Athenian grove, and a hastily devoured picnic of oysters and figs.
After months of top-secret excavation work, the results of a major Anglo-French construction project have been unveiled today: a brand-new extension of the Channel Tunnel that will take would-be migrants from Calais straight back to a currently undisclosed location in North Africa.
A team of experts and volunteers at 79 Chillworth Road, Tavistock, are still struggling to cope with a major environmental clean-up, three weeks after a group of children were allowed to play unsupervised with Play Doh.