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Farage now vowing to take Earth out of the Solar System

Nigel Farage is in uncompromising mood. “Watch my lips. No . . . more . . . Martians”.

The UKIP leader has vowed to take Earth out of the solar system unless the regulations governing asteroids and alien immigration are reformed.

“Ask David Cameron how many flying saucers visited Britain last year and he doesn’t know. That’s how much of a shambles our space immigration policy is in.”

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‘Actually we won,’ claims SNP

‘Truth is, we ran rings around them Sassenachs,’ he said in a confidential briefing, about to be published in Wikileaks. ‘We didnae want full independence – that was just a negotiating ploy. We wanted more tax powers, more oil revenue and less interference from London. We got a’ that and more.’

England to release Scottish hostages

Regardless of the outcome of the Scottish referendum, Prime Minister David Cameron has agreed in principle to release the thousands of Scottish citizens being held in captivity south of the border. Many have been forced into high paid banking jobs, Ministerial roles or lucrative singing contracts on the Britain’s Got Talent.

$1bn to fight Ebola, if Ebola agrees to be a bit more ‘Islamist-y’‏

a threat to world stability even worse than Nouri Al-MalikiPresident Obama has offered to send 3,000 American troops to Liberia to help fight the virus outbreak, on the proviso that Ebola adopts a more Jihadist approach. In turn the US industrial arms complex has said it has billions of dollars worth of weaponry waiting to be sold the moment Ebola declares a fundamentalist Islamic state, grows a beard or ‘discovers oil’.

Scotland votes to stay with David Cameron after all

Och, he's nae so bad...Voters in Scotland have confounded pollsters and observers by delivering a resounding vote in favour of staying with David Cameron after all, referendum results have shown.

After months of vigorous campaigning during which a vote for independence had been seen as increasingly likely, the homely appeal and rugged good looks of the prime minister appear to have been the deciding factor in persuading 62% of Scots to vote to retain the Union.

Relieved Scottish voters finally able to get referendum campaigners to shut up

Och aye the no!After months of harassment, voters in Scotland are finally going to the polls in a last-ditch attempt to get the Yes and No campaigns to shut up and bugger off.

As the polls open after an increasingly ill-tempered campaign, the sense of relief among ordinary Scots is palpable. ‘I’m just glad it’s all over and I can get mah country back,’ said a tearful voter in Anstruther.’When I was growing up nobody gave a dram o’Dundee piss about politics. Now it’s all Yes this, No Thanks that, whose oil is it the other. That’s why I’m voting ‘feck off, ye boring gobshites’.’

Olympic Games to include shooting fish in a barrel after Pistorius verdict

so there you goAfter the landmark ruling by Judge Thokozile Masipa that the killing of Reeva Steenkamp cannot be declared ‘murder’, the International Olympic Committee is considering proposals to introduce new sports to the next Games. High on the list are ‘hitting a barn door with a banjo’, and ‘shooting fish in a barrel’.

The latter proposal has attracted lucrative sponsorship deals from the NRA, with outline competition criteria already in place. A single dead fish among 500 packed into a 3-foot diameter barrel has been set as the ‘entry-level’ qualification for athletes. Competitors will be allowed at least 4 shots per round, and should be standing really close to the barrel, which must be locked to prevent the fish escaping.

Ill-informed Cumbrians readying for Scottish invasion

fears that reserves of Kendal Mint cake could fall into enemy handsAn eery silence has descended on Cumbria. The people are edgy, suspicious. Violence erupts in odd little bursts – a chip-shop owner advertising ‘deep fried anything’ is publicly flogged as a sympathiser; a man is stoned for telling a Billy Connolly joke.

Thousands are fleeing to the safety of Carlisle’s walls. Others are on the hilltops, eyes scouring the horizon, preparing to light the beacons at the first sign of ‘Men in Skirts’.

Edinburgh hookers say prices may have to rise in event of Yes vote

Edinburgh nightsIn what is seen as a further blow to the campaign for Scottish independence hundreds of Edinburgh prostitutes have signed a letter sent to the Scotsman newspaper claiming that they may have to raise their prices in the event of a Yes vote in next Thursday’s referendum.

The letter states, ‘Due to the potential increase in the cost of living in an independent Scotland and the associated economic constraints it is inevitable that the cost of sexual services such as hand-jobs, blow-jobs and other non-specific kinky stuff that you would never get your wife to do will have to increase if workers in the sex industry are to maintain a reasonable standard of living’.

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