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BBC and Police to extend holiday house-sitting service by popular demand

best if they've all gone on a summer holidayFollowing the recent raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s home, where police hung around for a while tending the plants and generally keeping the place tidy while the BBC filmed it, many celebrities are vying to experience for themselves the new BBC/Police house-sitting service while they are off on their holidays.

‘We have had heaps of enquiries,’ trilled the South Yorkshire Police Events Manager, Pauli Throop. ‘Our Flying Squad eye-in-the-sky package offers a discreet and professional service that won’t disintegrate your front door by whumping it in with one of those battering rams we use with our Channel Four budget ‘Crims on a Shoestring’ deal. Our highly-trained operatives will not so much as thieve a ‘Sir Cliff On Rollerskates’ ashtray.’

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News In Brief

Main reason men pay for sex is ‘to have sex’ say researchers

In a landmark finding, twelve years of intensive research has finally answered a question as old as the hills. Why do men pay for sex?

Incompetent Doctors will have to be ‘really, really sorry’ and mean it in future

Doctors who kill patients because they’re really not very good at being Doctors will, in future, be required to make proper apologies and not have their fingers crossed when they do it.

156 people found inhumanely crushed into metal container at Crewe station

they were lucky to get out aliveAmbulances and police in huge numbers rushed this morning to Crewe station after the discovery of scores of people there being trafficked against their will in a metal box.

The incident had been reported by several eye witnesses on the platform who apparently wanted to get in the container but couldn’t, and police later discovered several other containers attached to the first with hundreds more desperate souls in similarly atrocious conditions.

Bank of England’s Governor feeds interest rate dissenters to piranhas

They really had become rather tiresomeTwo members of the Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee who favoured an interest rate rise have been eaten alive by a school of piranhas on the whim of Bank of England Governor Mark Carney, while shocked members of the committee looked on.

Minutes of the meeting of 6th August note that Ian McCafferty and Martin Weale ‘left the meeting early’ after a disagreement over whether rates should remain at the historic low of 0.5%.

Vulgaria shocked at Child Catcher abuse allegations

why didn't anyone work it out sooner?Since the sudden death last week of Vulgaria’s much revered celebrity, The Child Catcher (real name Charles Catcher OVE), national mourning has turned to disbelief as newspapers have been inundated with revelations of serial child cruelty, sadism and even abduction.

‘We all thought the giant butterfly net to be just a cheeky affectation’, a villager said. ‘You would see him riding out of town with a new child harvest in the back of his wagon. Nobody minded because he was in showbiz.’

Grammar Nazis apprehended in Fourth Reich plot

ve haf vays off making you talk properA national calamity was narrowly averted today when police arrested a secret group of Grammar Nazis in an underground classroom.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said the sting operation successfully thwarted their plans to ‘raise British standards by removing all those who could not construct a proper sentence, transporting them to Gloucestershire and placing them in camps where they could improve their concentration.’

ISIS opens first effigy superstore

'almost as active as the real thing!'The widely reported perception of ISIS as ‘more sophisticated than your average Jihadi movement’ received a further boost today with the so-called ‘Islamic Caliphate’ opening its first effigy superstore in Mosul under the ‘Effigy Warehouse’ brand.

Raid at Sir Cliff Richard’s house found ‘disturbing calendar images’

Over fifty prospective images for a planned 2015 calendar were discovered on hard-drives and mobile phone devices during the dawn bust, some of which have already been classed as ‘Category A’ and ‘totally gross’.

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