Metaphors, anecdotes and comparisons with occupations from a bygone age are all hopeless when explaining ‘what exactly is it you do’, according to a new report. The verdict will make grim reading for people preparing for Christmas, as they visit friends and relatives to face probing questions about how they spend their days. A staggering 65% of a study group is still totally unable to explain themselves adequately to a range of audiences with different capacities of understanding.
‘Who says that Britain doesn’t produce anything anymore?’
News In Brief
The world’s first energy-saving lightbulb, made in 1976, has finally reached its maximum brightness. Switched on 37 years ago, the first 14 years passed without anyone realising it was not emitting any light at all.
The Nonhuman Rights Project is appealing for ‘Tommy’ the chimp to be granted the ‘fundamental right of bodily liberty’, but having ‘looked at Gitmo’ Tommy would prefer to take a ‘rain check’.
Schoolchildren up and down Britain are still struggling to come to terms with the acclaim accorded to Malala Yousafzai, a Pakistani school pupil and activist blogger who was shot in the head by the Taliban in 2011 for campaigning for girls’ education rights. They have unanimously agreed that her conduct is ‘well rank’ and that she should have been grateful not to have to sit through double Maths every Tuesday morning.
Malala’s courage and determination has earned her acclaim all over the world. Since her miraculous survival, she has been instrumental in the ratification of Pakistan’s first Right to Education Bill, was named one of Time Magazine’s ’100 Most Influential People in the World’ and was nominated for the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize among many other things. However, British teenagers have dismissed all this as ‘totally gay’.
Eager shoppers are setting up camp outside greengrocers along the length and breadth of the country today in order to be first in the queue for the release of this year’s must-have Christmas gift: a squashed satsuma and some walnuts.
‘2013 is the year of nostalgia,’ believes Julia Franklin of Frankiln’s Festive Supplies. ‘Nothing beats the magic, after tossing aside the rest of your presents, of reaching down to the bottom of your stocking, pillow case or, increasingly these days, bin liner, to find the remnants of a small citrus fruit smeared over a walnut. It knocks your Playstation 4 into a cocked hat – cocked paper hats being another top seller this year.’
Fans of online shopping will soon see unmanned drones dropping a range of seasonal products upon their heads; with Syria already registering an interest in the express of delivery of 800 tonnes of ‘fake snow’. Chief Executive Jeff Bezos has promised, within five years, we can expect to see ‘Octocopters’ depositing 2.3kg packages on unsuspecting schools, wedding parties and terrorists in search of cut price DVDs.
Mottled 1990s variety performer Mr Blobby was confirmed last night as the new Chief Executive of the ailing Co-operative Bank.
The grinning pink and yellow inflatable would bring to the role of Chief Executive a greater sense of decorum, gravitas and reassurance to the bank’s customers than his predecessor, claimed one insider.
‘We’re delighted to have appointed Mr Blobby to lead our organisation through this difficult period. His name is synonymous with integrity, fiscal responsibility and prudent planning. And he’s thick skinned enough to bounce back from any early setbacks. Literally’.
The Royal Family have said they can ‘finally rest easy’ today, after a judge officially granted them a Restraining Order against Royal-super fan and now confirmed stalker, Jennie Bond. The legal injunction, which prevents the 63-year-old from being within three-miles of any Royal residence, has been enforced ‘with immediate effect’, and will ensure that Bond will no longer be able to attend any Royal occasions under the guise of a BBC correspondent.
A local charity is raising awareness of its cause by calling the twelfth month of the year ‘Dismember’ and urging the public to ‘chop one off for us’, it was confirmed yesterday. ‘It doesn’t have to be a whole arm or leg – just below the knee or elbow would be fine’ said a spokesman. ‘It could even be your little fella – we don’t mind what you do as long as you Instagram the panicked reaction of your colleagues when blood starts spurting all over the office breakout area’.
The Carshalton Pet Bereavement Counselling Service is asking volunteers to raise a minimum of £1000 in sponsorship to fund a joining pack comprising a small chainsaw, a large tourniquet, and a wipe-clean leaflet explaining how, for many, losing a pet can be ‘literally like losing a limb’.