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Giggs to wear Fergie mask while he manages United

might try superinjunctions to block poor refereeing decisionsHaving been installed as interim manager of Manchester United after the departure of David Moyes, Ryan Giggs is set to allay fears over his lack of managerial experience by wearing a cardboard mask of Sir Alex Ferguson’s face when he arrives to take training.

One of the main criticisms aimed at Moyes was his lack of trophy-winning pedigree, which certainly cannot be said of 13-time Premier League winner Giggs. And he is confident that he can make a good start to his career as a manager by wearing a cut-out of the face of the man who ruled Old Trafford with an iron fist for 26 years, and putting on a Glaswegian accent while yelling incoherently at underperforming players.

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Paternity leave extended to ‘uncles’

The government is extending the popular paternity leave scheme, which allows fathers to take time off to look after new born babies, to uncles, including the obscure ones with Tourette’s that no-one wants to talk about and not just the biological ones.

Help-to-Buy to be extended to rail tickets

The government is reportedly planning to extend the help-to-buy scheme in order to cover rail fares as well. Currently, many in the squeezed middle are forced to rely on their car while desperately saving up for the deposit on the Zones 1-6 railcard that will get them onto the public transport ladder.

Village in turmoil as plumber arrives on time

fixing the taps, but leaving a huge question mark over the space-time continuumThe small Dorset village of Fromley has been thrown into turmoil in recent weeks after a local plumber carried out a series of small jobs in a punctual, efficient and inexpensive manner. Many villagers have been left confused and are struggling to come to terms with the situation.

Margaret Taylor, a 38-year-old Fromley housewife was the first to notice that something was amiss three weeks ago. ‘Our downstairs toilet wasn’t flushing properly so I called a plumber called Kevin Hobbs I’d found in the Yellow Pages and he said he’d be round the next morning at 8,’ she said.

Booker Prize winner gives it all up for career in middle management

artistic perception of human frailties could come in really handyMulti-award winning novelist and screenwriter Kieran Henderson, who last year became the first author to win an Oscar for writing the screenplay to his own Booker-winning novel, has shocked the literary establishment by announcing that he is to put his pen away in order to create spreadsheets and do appraisals for people he hates.

Henderson is said to have worked on his writing for sixteen hours a day for nearly three decades before attaining his widely acknowledged status as the outstanding British writer of his generation. Though puzzling to many, Henderson has revealed that his decision to give up the day job for a day job was inspired by the plethora of interactive television talent shows.

Berlusconi doing community service inseminating pandas

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who was recently sentenced to a year’s community service for tax fraud, has found work inseminating a giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, following failed attempts to mate her with a male panda. The zoo and the 77-year-old billionaire’s lawyers said that they were satisfied that the ruling was a win-win, allowing him to remain both politically and sexually active.

‘Tian Tian’s hormone levels had been falling drastically and at first she spurned his advances, but this didn’t deter Mr Berlusconi in the least,’ said Charles Osborne, director of breeding at Edinburgh. ‘He used all his experience and charm to woo her successfully and, fingers crossed, we hope to be able to announce shortly that she is expecting, er, something.’

Fathers unable to bond with their kids without shared Star Wars knowledge

A study of young parents has revealed that new fathers are unable to relate to their children without a shared knowledge of the Star Wars universe, with many refusing to take part in their upbringing until they have at least a basic understanding of ‘The Force’. Furthermore, parental bonds have been harmed over disagreements regarding the validity of the prequels and inclusion of Jar Jar Binx within the saga.

Fathers have been accused by women’s groups of putting their own nostalgia for the popular movie series before their responsibilities as a parent. In response, Fathers for Justice have taken to public buildings dressed as Batman, Spiderman and various other Marvel and DC characters to demonstrate the many other franchises they are willing to embrace.

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’

Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.

Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.

London marathon runner raises £1m for existential angst charity

'will all these happy people please go away'London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst. Though its existence is disputed by some, existential angst is a debilitating condition that strikes men in their mid-to-late forties.

Sufferers report a variety of symptoms ranging from chronic self-absorption to horror at the futility of existence. Until recently Mortimer had worked as an IT specialist, but was fired from his position after discovering that existential angst is not an acceptable reason to call in sick.

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