Evidence is mounting to suggest that middle class parents have found a new way to help their children get ahead in an increasingly competitive world. With much made of the need for ‘sharp elbows’ to improve life chances for their children in terms of school selection and internships, parents with naturally blunt elbows are turning to plastic surgeons to give themselves a competitive advantage.
‘We were prepared to spend whatever it took to get little Tarquin into a grammar school, but we were perpetually thwarted by the fact that he’s thick,’ said Marion Greenthwaite, 36, from Kent. ‘Even poor children who smelled a bit got in before him, which was an embarrassment in front of the neighbours. But since I’ve had my elbows sharpened, you just give them a quick shove in the ribs on open day and they go down in a trice.’
News In Brief
On the 25th anniversary of the invention of the World Wide Web, its creator ‘Tim Berners-Lee’ has been exposed as a false identity that was actually created by a pack of stray cats scavenging in the bins around the CERN facility in Switzerland.
Initially, White House aides tried ‘Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?’ but when Putin was heard tutting tetchily, they intervened with a recorded message stating ‘Please continue holding, your invasion is important to us’ and started playing ‘Macho Man’ by the Village People’.
Overcrowding on a London Midland service to Crewe from London Euston earlier today reached a critical point when the densely packed passengers fused together to create dark matter and the beginnings of a black hole.
Problems began when a 12.20 service was cancelled because of staff shortages. The subsequent 12.46 was cancelled because the guard was ‘looking funny’ at the driver. The following service at 13.15 was cancelled because the train manager had thrown a strop over the consistency of his chips and eggy bread and had been sent to his room to ‘have a good long think’.
Frustrated males shamed into embracing a healthy regime have been outraged to discover that starchy, tuberous crops are not the route to a six-pack, female approval and eternal life as had been previously suggested. In fact, recent health reports classify the humble potato’s nutritional value as being on par with ‘asbestos’, ‘plutonium’ and ‘licking the underside of Eric Pickles.’
‘Tubby gents’ feel naturally aggrieved that someone appears to be ‘moving the goal posts’ in terms of dieting expectations. A spokesman for rotund males admitted: ‘I know we could lose a few pounds but what can we eat? We are told no fats, no proteins and now the spud. I’m genuinely confused. It grows in the ground, right? What is it then, some kind of meat? If it’s a meat, it should probably taste better’.
While the world holds its breath and hopes that the current stand-off between Russia and Ukraine does not lead a wider regional conflict or even a second Cold War, the Illuminati are cackling with glee as their plans for world domination through manipulation of the London property market fall quietly into place.
‘We were getting fed up with being unable to take over the world politically, despite assassinating the Kennedys, orchestrating both Iraq wars and foiling Nadine Dorries’ attempt to win I’m A Celebrity, so we decided to strike economically instead,’ explained Grand Master Hermann von Rosencrantz. ‘I changed my name to Graham Saunders, went to work for Foxtons in Shoreditch and bided my time.’
In light of the BBC’s controversial decision to drop BBC Three from its schedules, the more conservative BBC Four have announced plans to capitalise on the decision by adopting a ‘fresher and cooler approach’ to its current offerings. The corporation’s flagship youth channel, which has introduced the world to memorable hits such as, ‘Gavin & Stacey’, ‘Little Britain’ and ‘Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum’, has an audience share of 1.5%, meaning some nine-million regular weekly viewers will soon be heading for a new channel to satisfy their entertainment needs.
‘We want a piece of that pie’, said BBC Four producer, Stephen Franklin. ‘Our current license requires us to broadcast at least 110-hours of new arts and factual programmes, so now that there’s millions of youngsters floating about with nothing to watch, we’ll just adapt our current offerings to suit a younger audience, you get me?’
The Hatcher family from Letchworth, Herts, are still ‘in shock’ after the incident in which bistro waiter Georges Latour smiled and wished the family ‘A bientôt’ and politely thanked them for the adequate tip which had been left for him. Graham Hatcher said: ‘We were completely shocked and I could see that the children were scared and upset. The holiday had been lovely up to then, typically Parisian.
European Union leaders have made their first common statement on the Ukraine crisis, warning Russia that its actions leave them no choice but to be ‘really, really frosty’ at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.
‘The aggressive action of the Russian government towards a sovereign European state is unacceptable,’ the statement reads. ‘We are all completely in agreement that, unless the Crimea is returned to Ukrainian control, we will make things really, really awkward in the green room at this year’s Eurovision, make no mistake. We will certainly not cheer when the Russians come on, we will wave no Russian flags, and if anybody votes for them we will tut, not just firmly, but audibly.’