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Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say police

'Hatton, Hatoff, it's all the same to us'Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary. A police spokesman defended the decision not to inform the vault owner nor investigate the alarm while the robbery was in progress, as it only lasted several hours.

‘Firstly, who actually pays any attention to burglar alarms? Quite often it is down to operator error or a computer glitch, so it is best to give it a while and see if the problem sorts itself out. Then we have to establish the facts before we devote resources to this so-called alarm for a so-called break in at a so-called vault at Hatton Garden Safety Deposit Box Ltd. If that is their real name.’ He added, grimly.

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Jurassic Park successfully cloned

Technicians at Legendary Pictures say they have succeeded in cloning Jurassic Park. ‘Jurassic World’- to be released in June – is the culmination of a 15-year project to resurrect one of the most profitable beasts in history.

Cameron ‘not well enough’ to lose election

Doctors have declared that the Prime Minister must be allowed to continue in power on medical grounds. After carefully studying David Cameron’s low poll ratings, medical experts quickly diagnosed Dementia nonculpa, a close variant of the debilitating disease affecting Lord Janner. This terrifying condition produces a powerful immune response to any external threat affecting the [...]

Twitter gaffe about miners sends Miliband into lead

lead could be reversed if Ed eats another bacon sandwichAn unlikely Twitter phenomenon and an illiterate Conservative candidate have combined to propel Labour fifteen points clear in the latest YouGov poll. What started as an innocent teenage crush on would-be PM Ed Miliband, quickly gained support on Twitter, as a legion of young Miliband admirers, dubbed Milifans, admired the Labour leader’s sultry good looks.

Within a few hours, however, a more sexually charged tone crept in. Sixteen-year-old Carly from Canvey Island tweeted ‘He’s well lush, and I bet he’d be gentle too’, while Bekki, 15, told the world she would ‘do anyting to feel dem Milihands on my booty’.

Cameron’s ‘open neck’ approach seals the deal with swinging voters

gets Poldark's voteDashing David Cameron has gaily abandoned his jacket, tossed off his tie, rolled up his sleeves and exposed his fleshy forearms to openly signal that he is right up for ‘doing the business’ with millions of Britain’s uncommitted swinger voters who have gone with multiple parties in the past.

Miliband dubsteps into the future with style tips from Skrillex

down wiv da kidz, innit, to winnitIn an attempt to appeal to the ‘yoof’ vote, Labour leader Ed Miliband has enlisted the help of well know young person and bass-dropper Skrillex.

Best known for making dance tracks out of that that noise your washing machine keeps making mid-cycle, Skrillex will accompany the opposition leader around the country advising him on matters of style, dress and appropriate use of hashtags.

Libyan cruise company offers ‘no-frills’ cruise to Italy

desperate to get to a better form of corruptionWith the strapline ‘See Naples and die…before you get there’, one Tripoli-based cruise company is reporting a bumper season by tempting hundreds of African tourists to take up the offer of no-frills trips part of the way to the Sicilian coast.

With five questionably seaworthy vessels and a fully refurbished, century-old dhow in its fleet, ‘Ahmed is Your Med Tours’ offers exclusive one-way trips to Sicily and whatever Mediterranean port it can find without the unnecessary expense of fuel or a rudder.

Thousands flee England to escape SNP tyranny

No-one can repulse the 'Devils in skirts'There were chaotic scenes across England today as tens of thousands of people fled the country rather than stay and face up to the prospect of the Scottish National Party taking power. The crisis reached a tipping point as today’s Daily Mail front page headline, ‘Scottish Natzis coming to kill your families and drive down house prices’, triggered widespread panic.

Hard Working Families to be given extra votes

it's all about getting up again tomorrowNow that the entire General Election revolves around glowing generalities, a cross-party committee of MPs has agreed that greater representation should be given to positive, abstract concepts. So with the last day of voter registration looming fast, all spare votes will be distributed among those impossible-to-prove beliefs such as the ‘common good’, ‘patriotism’ and ‘Britain’s Got Talent’.

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