Former Home Secretary Johnson Alan Johnson revealed today that the spectral, black-eyed ‘lost soul’ seen haunting the corridors of the Palace of Westminster over the last few months is, in fact, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband.
‘Increasing sightings of this tragic apparition meandering through Westminster, engaging in animated conversations with portraits of Prime Ministers on the walls, had sparked much speculation that the poor creature is searching for something,’ said Johnson. ‘A policy – or a miracle, probably.’
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The ‘Give nature a home’ TV advertising campaign launched by the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) has prompted a few heavies from the Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) to have a ‘quiet word’ with their counterparts at the RSPB to warn them of the potential danger of ‘stepping on our manor’.
‘My family are understandably prone to Freudian slips,’ explained Lord Freud, after saying disabled people should be kept in kennels, paid 3p an hour and sent up chimneys to eat soot before being put out of their misery by privatised NHS death squads.
‘What we’re seeing is errors, cock-ups really,’ said Hunt. ‘And they’re costing the NHS billions. We contemplated a poster campaign saying something like ‘Stop Making Mistakes, You Muppets’, but then somebody pointed out that posters with patronising messages would just make people hate me even more. And what good did a poster ever do, really? It’s a stupid idea. Probably one of Andrew Lansley’s, actually.
‘Taking people’s emotional baggage on board is nerve-rackingly unpredictable,’ says handler Vic Smythe. ‘That’s why this strike is justified. Although a lot of us are terrified of the outcome. Terrified I tell you!’
Mr Smythe has been in the job five years. He explains: ‘This is a job that requires you to be genuinely sensitive to people, not like nursing, social work or being minister for disabled people. A new Samsonite his ‘n hers means a honeymoon, and your heart just melts.’
‘The annual spring uprising has become an international event,’ said Lars Hofmeister, head of UN peacekeeping operations. ‘The list of applicants this year was likely to be longer than ever,’ he said, ‘with around 30 to 40 nations all bidding for the right to hold a destabilising and potentially violent revolution to cause problems for or even overthrow an existing government.
‘The journey started pleasantly enough’, said Darren. ‘People were reading copies of Librarian Monthly or working on spreadsheets. I hadn’t even realised I was in the Quiet Coach until it all kicked off.’
‘It wasn’t even much of a call, just my wife phoning to ask what I wanted for my tea. When I looked up, all these people had risen from their seats. Some were wearing bandanas, and an accountant from Preston was stripping to the waist and smearing camouflage paint on his cheeks. They didn’t make a sound, just used hand signals like in films.’
With hundreds of thousands of naked images being hacked and leaked via forums on ‘4chan’, law enforcement agencies have concluded that 99% of all photos are now of the naked variety. In fact most mobile users now find it more convenient to sign off text messages with a ‘dick pic’ or ‘nip shot’ than take the trouble to leave a few kisses, smiley icon or their contact details at the House of Commons.
Donna Onions, a 24 year old medical student from Edinburgh, thinks she may have picked up the North Korean dictator while backpacking in East Asia. ‘At first I thought the blockage was just an annoying little blood clot caused by the long flight,’ she said, ‘or maybe a thrombosis caused by a motorcycle accident I had in Penang. But then the doctors took another look and that’s when I got quite a nasty shock.’