The magical realm of Narnia is in uproar today after receiving a highly critical review on holiday appraisal website TripAdvisor. The review, by the Pevensie family of Finchley, complains of awful weather, rude talking animals and poor quality Turkish Delight. ‘The kids had been pestering us to go for ages, and it was either that or Center Parcs,’ explained Mr Pevensie. ‘However, when we got there it was nothing like the brochures. The weather was terrible and, as far as I can tell, it is always winter there. The talking animals and mythical beasts were ill-tempered and unhelpful while the much famed Turkish Delight was cheap supermarket rubbish and a major disappointment.
News In Brief
Experts at the University of Celebrity Studies say they have discovered a rare human phenomenon that could see Simon Cowell vanish from our screens and engulfed by his own underpants within the next 10 years, possibly sooner.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has published a damning report on how ‘excessively crude’ oils are corrupting the young with their reliance on ‘salacious carbon-intensive’ fuels and lewd references to ‘fracking’. UN scientists now support a swift transition to ‘less risqué’ forms of energy, such as ‘natural gas’ – which although fostering scatological humour does at least lower emissions ‘without lowering the tone.’
The images form part of a campaign aimed at telling the world the relentless stream of crap known as ‘rolling news’ must never be stemmed by a return to more traditional journalistic values, such as proportion and relevance.
Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.
At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’
Although Dungeons & Dragons is celebrating its 40th anniversary, many participants are concerned that their contributions to society, heavy metal t-shirts and virginity have been overlooked. While other 80′s pastimes such as Tetris, rampant capitalism and heroin have achieved respectability, fans of D&D are still derided as ‘bespectacled geeks’.
In what is being seen as a ‘tit for cat’ retaliatory measure, Gallic big business plans to restrict private internet use in the office in response to workers being protected from intrusive emails at home. French Unions applauded the restrictions on out-of-hours work but demanded to know how honest labourers could expect to find ‘lonely singles’, monitor their Ebay auctions or complete Candy Crush Saga?
To the equal delight of the art world and the frustration of most rationale print lovers, the notorious Turner Prize winner proposes to ‘redefine’ what we a perceive to be a ‘well written book’. Changes in font size, incomplete sentences and a cover-face smeared in formaldehyde, are among some of the ‘challenging’ aspects of Hirst’s book, which one publisher described as ‘being beaten around the head with a diamond encrusted skull’.
‘This is the nightmare scenario,’ said physicist Professor Michio Kaku. ‘The butterfly effect suggests that a single butterfly flapping its wings in one country could trigger a hurricane on the other side of the planet. Just imagine the devastation that could be caused by thousands of them all flapping together in the same direction.’