Poor teaching materials are being blamed for falling standards of radicalisation in state schools, according to a recent Ofsted inspection. When Year 8-10 pupils should be reading the Qu’ran and instructions on how to make cluster bombs, all too many are still looking at the simplistic dogma of Jihadi Janet and John
‘By the time they get round to colouring in they aren’t ready to get full benefit from gay porn mags stuffed behind the cisterns in the bogs in time to do badly at their GCSEs,’ said an inspector. ‘We cannot hope to educate a new generation of embittered, violent misfits like this. Numeracy standards are also sadly lacking. We are finding children can’t even down from ten to one without a device going off prematurely.’
News In Brief
South Korea’s champion extreme barber, Swi-Ne Tod, has been arrested in Seoul after a competition went wrong. Tod, a world record holder in the Ambassador class of Extreme Shaving, was in the process of executing a high tariff soap-free shave on American ambassador Mark Lippert when things got out of hand.
Samantha Cameron has accused the Prime Minister of running scared after he told her that he would only be available to have sex with her once in March for a single 90-minute session before the election a rather than the three bouts she had proposed.
The Church of England’s first female bishop has confirmed that celebrity Antichrist Katie Hopkins is to be executed on the cross on Good Friday, April 3. Against the backdrop of yet another cosmologically inconsequential but newsworthy Twitter spat, the Right Reverend Libby Lane preached that this was humanity’s last chance to find eternal salvation.
‘If my new role has taught me anything, it’s the mantra ‘Let’s try it with a woman’,’ said Reverend Lane. ‘If Jesus of Nazareth can’t save us, what do we lose by crucifying a horse-faced troll from Barnstaple? I’m certain we can find a tenuous Bible passage which foretold this. It’s never failed before.’
Initially angered that new husband Sean had not even updated his Facebook status to ‘In a relationship’, she had previously vowed to upload a new wedding photo seven days a week to remind everyone what a lucky bastard he is.
Facebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetime’s worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles. The company has developed the technology after realising that most users’ status updates read like a stream of thought from a person leading a highly uneventful life.
Flushed with pride at a string of positive comments from members of her party after her ‘brain fade’ moment on TV, Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party, has now asked her colleagues to come up with yet more ‘creative and exciting’ policies by adopting the technique. Members of the party’s executive will spend next week taking cold remedies and hitting each other with cricket bats to induce ‘brain fade’ ahead of the launch of its election manifesto next month.
Industry experts predict a sharp increase in the number of mobile phone users choosing voice calls over text messages for fear of being branded a horrible racist following Apple’s unveiling of a new line of ethnically diverse emoji.
Friends of 9-year old Toby Brown have reacted angrily to the news that the Subbuteo World Cup they had planned for this summer has been put back to December. The tournament, which is being held at Brown’s house for the first time, has been delayed amid concerns of soaring temperatures in the conservatory where the matches are due to be played.