‘It’s not what we want to do’, said a young medic who wishes to remain anonymous. ’But let us be honest here, after a 48 hour shift it really is quite easy to appear like a bungling buffoon who gets in all kinds of mildly amusing scrapes not knowing the difference between the words prostrate and prostate . One of us will insert a stethoscope into a patient’s anal cavity by mistake while another will carry out a comedic ‘whoopsie’ sound using a rubber glove for extra effect.’
News In Brief
Following the outstanding success of her third album, 25, Adele’s record label have announced that she is to issue a fourth comprising songs entirely about the travails of supporting Tottenham Hotspur. The album, scheduled for release in the spring, is entitled 82, after the last year that Spurs were any good.
Russian leader, Vladimir Putin, has reportedly informed his cabinet that he will accept nothing less than a stuffed NATO ally to sate his appetite. While David Cameron has said there will only be a coalition of the willing, if suckling pig is on the menu.
Garden Bridge designer Thomas Heatherwick has confirmed there will be a specially designated area given over to people addicted to exhibitionist sexual activity in open public places. To start with the sex facility will only be open at night, but once it becomes notorious it is hoped the area will attract day-time doggers too.
Although the activity is more commonly associated with woodland parks and rural areas Mr. Heatherwick said the vast majority of Londoners do not own cars and it was only fair this was taken into account when planning ahead for bridge activities.
‘We must have sent him four emails asking for a review, but he just ignored them,’ said an Amazon spokesman today. ‘He hadn’t marked the product as a gift, so there was no reason to not provide a review,’ he added.
Judge Roberts commented when sentencing Billy Askew (24) from Winsford to three months in gaol that: ‘it was every on-line shopper’s civic duty to provide a review, even if it’s clearly horseshit’.
The sad news of that star of ‘Anger Management’ was diagnosed with HIV four years ago, has naturally been greeted by an outpouring of empathy and a subliminal sense of ‘we did warn you’. While no one deserves such an illness, there is a feeling of inevitability; like a George Osborne cut-back, a James Corden punchline or US diplomacy involving guns.
Ironically, long before his diagnosis, many had assumed that Mr. Sheen’s predilection for prostitutes and porn stars was the main contributor to the world becoming immune to anti-biotics.
Restaurateurs and microbiologists are bracing themselves for a seasonal fusion between the nation’s least imaginative side-dish and its most virulent side-blister. This heady mixture leads to an unsightly phenomenon that can linger on the upper lip if not treated properly by dabbing with a McDonald’s serviette, TCP and discreet spitting.
One epidemiologist said: ‘We’ve seen a huge influx of Scandinavian pickled salad coming into contact with boiled British herpes.
The National Cat Association (NCA) has admitted that there is still no consensus about whether they want the free-market roaming that the garden represents or the warm monetary union offered by the airing cupboard. A spokes-cat said: ‘We didn’t expect a swift decision; to be honest, it could be years. What we will say is that shouting at us will not make it any quicker’.
Those in favour of staying indoors have said the deal has been sweetened by their German owner, offering additional squatting rights with any cardboard box, computer keyboard or lap of their choice.
With the threat of terrorism and the Tory leadership slipping from her grasp – the rectal area of the Home Secretary is now the perfect geological location for the environmental conditions needed for creating diamonds. Considered to be the most ‘uptight’ place on Earth, the lower bowel of Mrs May can assert more pressure than Roy Hodgson feels when seeing a Spanish team sheet.