NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Nick Clegg to use everyone’s paternity leave next year

another great idea!Anticipating he will have a lot of ‘free time on his hands’ after the next election, the Deputy Prime Minister has volunteered to provide round-the-clock support to all new parents. The Liberal Democrat’s’ manifesto will pledge that Mr. Clegg will stay with couples for up to six weeks after the birth of their child; providing nappy changing, reassuring hugs and amusing anecdotes about proportionate representation if ‘…baby refuses to go to sleep’.

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ISIS releases Beatles tribute album ‘Jihad Day’s Night’

Featuring a new twist on all your favourite Beatles classics:

CD1:

I Wanna Hold Your Head
Sergeant Pepper-’em-with-Kalashnikov-fire
Yellow Submachine Gun
I’ll Follow the Sunni
Fusilier Rigby
The Ballad of John and Foley
Let ISIS be
Here comes the Sunni
and many more…

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News In Brief

Man still being studiously ignored in room full of elephants

Despite hovering by the peanuts and desperately trying to make eye contact, Dave Harris is still finding it hard to get noticed by the largely elephantine occupants of The Room.

Israeli tourists ‘gutted’ that they’re not welcome in Bradford

Tel Aviv airport was unusually quiet yesterday following George Galloway’s announcement that Bradford is to be an ‘Israel-free zone.’ ‘Normally there would be three or four flights a day to Leeds Bradford airport’, a spokesman said. ‘Israelis love Bradford.’

Man loses identity after failing bank security check

Gavin Ames from Maidenhead was left distraught yesterday after a routine call to his bank to set up a new direct debit, left him a bleak future with no name and no money. When asked to answer three security questions by the NatWest, Gavin froze and went blank.

Gavin, or alleged Gavin, managed to answer the first two questions – his middle name and mother’s maiden name – but when asked to remember the amount of his last cash withdrawal, he panicked. ‘I said forty pounds’ said Gavin, ‘but then remembered I’d later taken out another twenty at Tesco to buy some lunch. By then it was too late, the guy had entered my answer into the system. He told me that I’d failed to prove who I am and that he could no longer help me. I pleaded with him to ask me more questions, but he said it wasn’t possible, I’d been deleted, before asking me if there was anything else he could do for me today.’ Gavin’s access to his bank account was locked, and he can no longer access his own money.

Reality TV needs to be more inclusive for Eton & Oxbridge graduates

A Social Mobility Commission study has discovered that those who really run the UK are woefully under-represented on the only thing that matters to the British public – Talent Shows. As a new season of the X Factor begins on Saturday, Simon Cowell has been forced to admit that very few senior diplomats, civil servants or ‘people like Steve Brookstein’ will be appearing on the programme.

While small elites, educated at independent schools, still dominate the business and political world, they are being excluded from trying to pronounce Cheryl Cole’s new surname. A Child Poverty spokeswoman said: ‘An infant born to millionaire parents, regardless of ability, can expect to run a major corporation or political party but they will never get the chance to meet Ant & Dec. This is wrong. It’s just wrong. Social mobility should be for everyone, not just the Shanes and Chers of the world.’

Cameron calls for calm in the worsening Bake Off conflict

Tart!The UN is calling for air-strikes to intervene after Diana Beard, a 69 year-old WI activist from Shropshire, was filmed taking a bearded combatant’s ice-cream out of the freezer during the Great British Bake Off.

‘It was only for 40 seconds or so,’ she protested to UN observers. Billionaire Peace Envoy Tony Blair tweeted from the safety of his villa in Tuscany, ’45 seconds is all it takes. We cannot stand idly by. #ToldYouSo #MyPlaceInHistory.’

President Obama, in an unusually hawkish mood issued a statement stating that ‘Atrocities against baked Alaska are just unacceptable’. More swiftly than usual he decisively did nothing. A congressman summed up a grim situation: ‘Great Britain is a small country with most of its inhabitants forced into a narrow strip of land to the south facing the sea. The people have literally no-where to go, it is a siege.’

Secret Service boss sacked for spending too much time looking out of window

Is it a sacking, or a double-bluff, counter bluff, triple bluff? Nope. He's actually gone.A senior manager at MI6 has been sacked for spending the majority of his working day standing looking out of the window in a wistful manner. The man known only as ‘B’ is believed to have angered security chiefs by allowing vast amounts of important paperwork and emails to build up while the air in his office hung heavy with a vague feeling of regret and loss.

UK starts advertising for Scotland’s replacement

Your place or mine? Actually, mine.In the aftermath of Alex Salmond shouting Alistair Darling into submission, the remaining parts of the British Isles have resigned themselves to the fact that its time ‘to move on’ and start seeing other countries.

Holiday companies to offer IS selfie execution packages

'C'mon, lighten up!' said an IS spokesmanIS today declared beheading videos are a great way to make loads of money from YouTube and are simply harmless fun.

‘I must admit they make a refreshing change from all those boring pet videos, which have been flogged to death,’ said Mrs Irene Crudwell, 88, from Bournemouth.

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