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No point arguing with you in this mood, FA tells England Lionesses

The Football Association has defended itself over the furore about its allegedly sexist tweet about the return of the England Lionesses team from the Womens’ World Cup. It has accused critics of ‘completely overreacting, as usual’ and declaring that ‘it’s no use arguing with you when you’re in this kind of mood’.

The tweet, which welcomed the Lionesses back as ‘mothers, partners and daughters’, has caused outrage among fans of the team, which enjoyed the most success of any England team in a World Cup since 1966. The FA has responded by deleting the offending message, replacing it with ‘Fine, have it your way… #cantbloodywincanI’ but strongly denied that it is an inherently sexist organisation.

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Swingers’ festival ‘used loud music to drown sounds of bonking’

Despite complaints from local residents about noise levels, organisers of the Swingfields festival in the Forest of Dean have insisted that their blaring disco music was turned up loud as a courtesy to locals, because it was ‘better than the sound of constant squelching’.

Rich ‘keeping their fingers crossed’ on budget

As George Osborne finalises his first budget unencumbered by a coalition cabinet, some of the country’s richest people are nervously awaiting the result after five years of hardship in which they had to move large amounts of their wealth offshore.

Friends of missing Luton family ‘dreading the Christmas newsletter’

Friends and relatives of the family who have joined Islamic State after disappearing in May, say they expect this year’s Christmas newsletter to ‘even more insufferably smug and tedious than usual, if that’s possible.’

The twelve-strong Mannan family from Luton have not been seen since they visited their home nation of Bangladesh earlier this year. Now those close to the Mannans fear the worst: a lengthy mass-mailed screed of anti-Western hatred, mixed with interminable details of their educational and career highlights over the last twelve months.

Health & Safety noticeboard leaves three hurt, one mildly giddy

stay away from the information!Three office workers have been injured after attempting to take in all the information displayed on the Health & Safety noticeboard in their workplace’s canteen.

One of the men, who doesn’t want to be named for fear of having to fill out a form, suffered mild light-headedness saying “It’s ridiculous! All that information in such a small space. How can we be expected to absorb it all in one go? I need to lie down. And when I recover, I’ll be putting in a claim.”

Time running out for Greeks to understand 74 word referendum question

Merkel understands it, why can't you?Worried Greek voters have only a few hours left to work out what the hell their 74 word referendum question actually means. Nearly ten million citizens are so confused by the wording of the question that they are unsure whether to vote Yes, No, or simply eat their ballot paper and follow it with an ouzo chaser.

Royal household to enjoy ‘Wear What You Like’ day

it could all get a bit kinkyIn joint celebration of this year’s summer holidays and the impending milestone of becoming Britain’s longest reigning monarch, Her Majesty the Queen is to instigate a ‘Wear What You Like’ day for the Royal Household, palace officials have revealed.

Family of twelve feared to have travelled to Margate

life beyond compare awaits you thereThree generations of one family are feared to have taken a perilous trip to Margate after being radicalised by the Margate-tourism website. “We fear they may have been taken in by the swathes of PhotoShopped beaches, images with pensioners airbrushed out and, of course, you can’t smell wee on a web page,” said a senior detective working on anti-radicalisation duties with Scotland Yard.

Jeremy Kyle fails to sort out Henry VIII’s love life

'Grab him by the Hamptons!'TV host Jeremy Kyle has admitted defeat in his bold attempt to distract Tudor monarch Henry VIII from his bid to divorce his middle-aged wife and overthrow the authority of the Papacy. The episode, entitled ‘You Had Sex With My Dead Brother, You Slag, Now God Won’t Give Me Any Sons’, is due to be aired next Wednesday.

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