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Man imprisoned for failing to provide an Amazon review

‘We must have sent him four emails asking for a review, but he just ignored them,’ said an Amazon spokesman today. ‘He hadn’t marked the product as a gift, so there was no reason to not provide a review,’ he added.

Judge Roberts commented when sentencing Billy Askew (24) from Winsford to three months in gaol that: ‘it was every on-line shopper’s civic duty to provide a review, even if it’s clearly horseshit’.

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Government’s disdain for the NHS is not yet complete

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed that, despite the progress made by his department, the country’s National Health Service is only held in utter contempt by the Government currently, and not yet complete disregard. As a result, he and his colleagues are set to redouble their efforts to royally piss off everyone that actually cares about NHS care, in an effort to provoke a reaction that the rest of the cabinet can pour scorn upon.

BBC to fund Red Button removal

The BBC has confirmed today that they are contractually obliged to compensate users for the removal of their superfluous ‘gizmo’ from our handsets. The £1bn scheme involves sending an engineer to every TV licence fee paying household in the UK and replacing it with a button ‘that isn’t red’.

World struggles not to tell Charlie Sheen ‘I told you so’‏

The sad news of that star of ‘Anger Management’ was diagnosed with HIV four years ago, has naturally been greeted by an outpouring of empathy and a subliminal sense of ‘we did warn you’. While no one deserves such an illness, there is a feeling of inevitability; like a George Osborne cut-back, a James Corden punchline or US diplomacy involving guns.

Ironically, long before his diagnosis, many had assumed that Mr. Sheen’s predilection for prostitutes and porn stars was the main contributor to the world becoming immune to anti-biotics.

Salads to feature ‘extra cold sore’ in the run up to Xmas

Restaurateurs and microbiologists are bracing themselves for a seasonal fusion between the nation’s least imaginative side-dish and its most virulent side-blister.  This heady mixture leads to an unsightly phenomenon that can linger on the upper lip if not treated properly by dabbing with a McDonald’s serviette, TCP and discreet spitting.

One epidemiologist said: ‘We’ve seen a huge influx of Scandinavian pickled salad coming into contact with boiled British herpes. 

Cats still to decide on inside or outside referendum

The National Cat Association (NCA) has admitted that there is still no consensus about whether they want the free-market roaming that the garden represents or the warm monetary union offered by the airing cupboard.  A spokes-cat said: ‘We didn’t expect a swift decision; to be honest, it could be years.  What we will say is that shouting at us will not make it any quicker’.

Those in favour of staying indoors have said the deal has been sweetened by their German owner, offering additional squatting rights with any cardboard box, computer keyboard or lap of their choice.

World’s second largest diamond found inside Theresa May’s anus

With the threat of terrorism and the Tory leadership slipping from her grasp – the rectal area of the Home Secretary is now the perfect geological location for the environmental conditions needed for creating diamonds. Considered to be the most ‘uptight’ place on Earth, the lower bowel of Mrs May can assert more pressure than Roy Hodgson feels when seeing a Spanish team sheet.

Mourner leaves card at crash explaining “why?”

They come in their dozens to lay cards and wreaths at the site of the crash. Among them, some simple pansies tied to a fence with a card bearing the single inscription ‘why?’ Next to that, another card with what appears to be the explanation ‘Because he walked into the path of a lorry’.

Cameron announces variety of fun ministerial vehicles

Following on from the news that Prime Minister David Cameron and his senior ministers are to get their own plane for official trips, Downing Street have also announced a flurry of new ministerial vehicles.

All senior ministers will have access to a fleet of Maybach chauffeur driven cars (provided by Knight enterprises); a refitted train (believed to be formerly the Hogwarts express); a luxury ministerial yacht and speedboat; a number of ‘Airwolf’ helicopters; and Thunderbird 2.

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