A trendy London hotel has won a prestigious award for the innovative design of its very pretty but utterly useless bathrooms. Described by judges as ‘a superb combination of good looks and frustrating lack of usefulness’, the Eighty Four Hotel in fashionable Bethnal Green has been awarded The Kelly Brook Prize for Beauty Without Function.
‘We are very proud to receive this recognition of our efforts to make our hotel look impressive on-line’ said the hotel proprietor, Mr Theo Whitehall. ‘Even if it is at the expense of our guests’ comfort and convenience.’
News In Brief
‘I rode Mister Ed on Thursday’ said Sturgeon. ‘He didn’t seem to like me riding him so hard at first. Then I explained to him that if it came down to a photo-finish with the joint-favourite ‘Dangerous Dave’ he would need my help to win and he soon got the bit between his teeth.
Nantwich fire fighters also took to Twitter to retract their initial frustration about not being able to get through to fight a fire at B&M’s, as they made the same error as the council in missing the lights. ‘We always except shit, life threatening parking, but only if the lights are flashing’.
‘I had reservations at first; I don’t know much about keeping the interest rate from dipping below inflation, but weirdly it doesn’t seem to matter. If someone asks me a question I just say ‘a fair deal for honest, hard-working Britons’ or ‘I have complete faith in Mr Osborne’ and they seem satisfied with that.’
In attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted their answer to C4’s ‘The Undateables’. Offering a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the ‘moderate filling’, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNP’s Alex Salmond and UKIP’s Nigel Farage.
After it was revealed earlier today that George Osborne was to pull a further £5.8 billion out of his arse to fund the subsidisation of Housing Association sales, scientists have been arguing excitedly about the incredible capacity of his colon. Having already found £8 billion for the NHS and £7 billion in tax cuts earlier in the year, it is now being said by some that Osborne’s ‘Tardis Arse’ is in fact the biggest of its kind in the western world.
It’s an island famed for sunlit beaches, crumbling beauty and old fashioned classic cars with romantic names. Austin Allegros, Morris Oxfords, Hillman Imps – all ingeniously preserved by colourful locals. Now, after half a century of isolation, the United States has lifted the embargo that has kept the Isle of Wight cut off for over half a century.
British voters, despairing of the ineptitude of their own politicians, have been buoyed by the news that Hillary Clinton is on the verge of declaring her candidacy for Prime Minister. Up until now many had assumed Mrs Clinton would stick to the Presidential race, but she has been tempted by the rigorous challenge of battling wits with the UK’s best or ‘shooting fish in a barrel’ as it is called.
Oxford clinched the title and Cambridge were relegated In a nail-biting final day of the new Sky Boat Race Premier League.
As the new Sky Premier League of Boat Racing coxed off yesterday afternoon, hopes were high for Cambridge. With a mixture of youth and experience, many pundits said they would be ‘there or thereabouts’ come the end of the season. But at the end of an exhausting campaign, a very different picture emerged. Cambridge were at rock bottom, with a record nobody wants – the least number of points for any side since the Sky Boat Race Premier League began.