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Bank of England’s Governor feeds interest rate dissenters to piranhas

They really had become rather tiresomeTwo members of the Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee who favoured an interest rate rise have been eaten alive by a school of piranhas on the whim of Bank of England Governor Mark Carney, while shocked members of the committee looked on.

Minutes of the meeting of 6th August note that Ian McCafferty and Martin Weale ‘left the meeting early’ after a disagreement over whether rates should remain at the historic low of 0.5%.

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Greyhound racing ends after dogs rumble winning strategy

The 7.39 at Romford last night may prove to be a turning point in greyhound racing after Artful Dogger and Sly Rascal finally rumbled how racing works.

UKIP propose residency test questions to be taken from University Challenge

UKIP have unveiled a manifesto pledge to make the British Citizenship UK residency test more stringent by lifting the questions directly from University Challenge. The proposals will also see applicants being asked to play ‘The Lark Ascending’ by Vaughan Williams on the violin instead of singing the national anthem.

Vulgaria shocked at Child Catcher abuse allegations

why didn't anyone work it out sooner?Since the sudden death last week of Vulgaria’s much revered celebrity, The Child Catcher (real name Charles Catcher OVE), national mourning has turned to disbelief as newspapers have been inundated with revelations of serial child cruelty, sadism and even abduction.

‘We all thought the giant butterfly net to be just a cheeky affectation’, a villager said. ‘You would see him riding out of town with a new child harvest in the back of his wagon. Nobody minded because he was in showbiz.’

Grammar Nazis apprehended in Fourth Reich plot

ve haf vays off making you talk properA national calamity was narrowly averted today when police arrested a secret group of Grammar Nazis in an underground classroom.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said the sting operation successfully thwarted their plans to ‘raise British standards by removing all those who could not construct a proper sentence, transporting them to Gloucestershire and placing them in camps where they could improve their concentration.’

ISIS opens first effigy superstore

'almost as active as the real thing!'The widely reported perception of ISIS as ‘more sophisticated than your average Jihadi movement’ received a further boost today with the so-called ‘Islamic Caliphate’ opening its first effigy superstore in Mosul under the ‘Effigy Warehouse’ brand.

Raid at Sir Cliff Richard’s house found ‘disturbing calendar images’

Over fifty prospective images for a planned 2015 calendar were discovered on hard-drives and mobile phone devices during the dawn bust, some of which have already been classed as ‘Category A’ and ‘totally gross’.

Manchester United crowds to be banned from looking at scores

"Moyes, Moyyyyess!"In a move designed to avoid discontent among fans and shareholders, Manchester United officials have taken the unprecedented decision to ban tablets, laptops and anything else that might bring about access to the league table from within the hallowed portals Old Trafford.

ISIS celebrates becoming top lazy political analogy

anyone with other views considered 'worse than Hitler'Islamic State, the militant Islamist group formerly known as ISIS, is celebrating the news that it has officially overtaken Nazi Germany as the standard comparative device for evil used on internet discussion forums.

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