In an attempt to control costs while maintaining a ‘healthy’ ratio of nursery staff to children, the Government has today unveiled its vision for the UK to lead the world in producing battery-raised toddlers.
‘For too long Governments have been slow to apply agricultural intensive-rearing techniques to childcare policy,’ said Conservative education minister, Liz Truss. ‘Each toddler up to the age of four will now be cared for in connecting cages sharing common divider walls. At mealtimes the grain feeder above their heads will dispense chicken nuggets, while a conveyor belt running constantly beneath will remove soiled nappies.’
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Arsenal pipped local rivals Spurs for the opportunity to be humiliated as soon as they play a half decent team in next season’s Champions League.
‘I distinctly heard him not say it, and in fact on the way home I clearly recall saying to my wife, “It’s a good thing Lord Feldman didn’t call our activists ‘swivel-eyed loons’ at today’s event”.’
Following seven months of careful research into the best way to deliver an efficient and effective fire service, inquiry chair Sir Ken Knight has said that flying robots with lasers and freeze-rays were likely to be more effective than the puffed-out, heavy-drinking, under-paid schmucks we currently rely on to save our bacon when we fall asleep in front of Corrie with a fag in our hand.
Graduate trainee social workers will handle complex cases after five weeks and be well on the way to depression and a nervous breakdown within just two months, under a new fast-track training scheme unveiled today by the Government.
The ‘Frontline’ scheme aims to attract top graduates into the profession and sap their energy and morale without the need for years of bureaucracy, media hostility, reorganisations and expensive underresourcing strategies by local councils.
The success has resulted in publishers Northern & Shell committing to higher print runs and wider distribution, especially in the Midlands and North East where figures have shown a substantial increase.
One avid reader, Phil Mevoid from Hull, said, ‘I got sick of looking at handsome young guys with six packs smiling down from the shelves at W H Smith and getting nudged in the side by the missus. So I bought myself a copy of Paunch and I haven’t looked back. The features on ‘low definition abs’ and ‘ten steps towards guaranteed sex after ten pints of lager’ have literally changed my life and I’ll be even happier after the divorce and the court case are over.’
Countering claims that the latest technology from Google will only further invade people’s privacy, the company has declared that their innovative, interactive ‘Glass’ spectacles are so brilliant they could have helped police in identifying celebratory perverts.
While originally designed to recognise historic landmarks, the new glasses also come loaded with secret, pre-programmed face and iris recognition and behavioural analysis tools as standard. Google chief executive, Eric Schmidt, explained that the new technology would finally help the public look into the souls of, say, Ant and Dec, tell you what they’re like and really help in telling them apart. ‘Yes they look like Geordie hobbits, but which is which? And what are they up to? These glasses will finally let you know.’
‘A 50p (75 euro) paperback that looks like it’s been read in a hurry by someone hiding it in a plastic bag is the obvious medium through which to disseminate Mr Brown’s work,’ explained Neil Cunliffe, president of Random House publishers, flanked at the press conference by a Hessian-clad albino bodyguard and a troubled-looking French Egyptologist in her early thirties.
The drivers of three Nissan Micras who have all been giving way to each other at a mini-roundabout in Weston-Super-Mare have been given emergency rations by concerned locals as their stand-off passes the three day mark.
The three vehicles all reached the mini-roundabout from different directions at the same time on Friday afternoon, and all gave way to each other. ‘I can’t go until the car approaching the roundabout from my right has cleared the junction,’ explained one of the drivers, 92-year-old Arnold Jenkins, ‘but she can’t go until the car coming from her right has gone, and he can’t go until I’ve gone. I think we’re going to be stuck here forever, and I’m running low on boiled sweets.’