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Tories to stop Santa migration by Christmas

nothing at all to declare, apart from 65 million bottles of Baileys David Cameron has announced plans to curb the flood of European migrant workers, specifically mythological 4th-century Greek bishops, from invading our homes. The Prime Minister has promised to apply an ‘emergency brake’ on rotund present-givers who have been sneaking across our borders with the aid of a magical flying sleigh and a blithe disregard for passport control.

A Home Office spokeswoman said: ‘We need to beware of Greeks bearing gifts – or pretty much anyone from Eastern Europe – smelling of mince pies. We can’t just have quasi-mystical figures coming over here, parking their clapped-out reindeer wherever they want, stealing our low-wage jobs – jobs which could easily be filled by a British Druid or Boggart – and blackmailing hard-working British families into plying them with sherry.’

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Cameron slams EU diseases as un-British

David Cameron has raised concerns over the quality of EU diseases and called on member states to follow the UK’s lead with such ‘splendid’ infections as whooping cough, chicken pox and scrofula. He singled out syphilis and bubonic plague as ‘shoddy and mean spirited’

US public mistake The Walking Dead for media’s Ebola coverage

Seventeen million Americans tuned into the fifth season of AMC’s post-apocalyptic horror show The Walking Dead, mostly unaware that it was not a public information film from Fox News.

House of Commons ‘black-eyed babbling ghoul’ turns out to be Ed Miliband

The Phantom of the Parliament. 'A shadow of himself...'Former Home Secretary Johnson Alan Johnson revealed today that the spectral, black-eyed ‘lost soul’ seen haunting the corridors of the Palace of Westminster over the last few months is, in fact, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband.

‘Increasing sightings of this tragic apparition meandering through Westminster, engaging in animated conversations with portraits of Prime Ministers on the walls, had sparked much speculation that the poor creature is searching for something,’ said Johnson. ‘A policy – or a miracle, probably.’

NHS to become online-only

Health Minister Jeremy Hunt has calculated that the NHS could save billions if it operated as a computer model, like the Matrix, instead of as a real-world service trying to treat sick people in 3D.

‘What we’re seeing is errors, cock-ups really,’ said Hunt. ‘And they’re costing the NHS billions. We contemplated a poster campaign saying something like ‘Stop Making Mistakes, You Muppets’, but then somebody pointed out that posters with patronising messages would just make people hate me even more. And what good did a poster ever do, really? It’s a stupid idea. Probably one of Andrew Lansley’s, actually.

Emotional baggage handlers ‘very nervous’ about strike ballot

fears for tears‘Taking people’s emotional baggage on board is nerve-rackingly unpredictable,’ says handler Vic Smythe. ‘That’s why this strike is justified. Although a lot of us are terrified of the outcome. Terrified I tell you!’

Mr Smythe has been in the job five years. He explains: ‘This is a job that requires you to be genuinely sensitive to people, not like nursing, social work or being minister for disabled people. A new Samsonite his ‘n hers means a honeymoon, and your heart just melts.’

Nominations for 2015 spring uprising due in

phone lines are now openThe United Nations applications deadline for the next country or countries to host a popular uprising expires today, with a wide field of candidates vying for the coveted spring 2015 slot.

‘The annual spring uprising has become an international event,’ said Lars Hofmeister, head of UN peacekeeping operations. ‘The list of applicants this year was likely to be longer than ever,’ he said, ‘with around 30 to 40 nations all bidding for the right to hold a destabilising and potentially violent revolution to cause problems for or even overthrow an existing government.

Commuter violently tarred and feathered after taking phone call in Quiet Carriage

victim can't say he wasn't warnedCommuter Darren Watson, 31, was viciously attacked yesterday by fellow passengers on the 07.18 Virgin Trains service to London.

‘The journey started pleasantly enough’, said Darren. ‘People were reading copies of Librarian Monthly or working on spreadsheets. I hadn’t even realised I was in the Quiet Coach until it all kicked off.’

‘It wasn’t even much of a call, just my wife phoning to ask what I wanted for my tea. When I looked up, all these people had risen from their seats. Some were wearing bandanas, and an accountant from Preston was stripping to the waist and smearing camouflage paint on his cheeks. They didn’t make a sound, just used hand signals like in films.’

Last clothed selfie ‘taken in 2009′, historians discover

now collectable on iCloudWith hundreds of thousands of naked images being hacked and leaked via forums on ‘4chan’, law enforcement agencies have concluded that 99% of all photos are now of the naked variety. In fact most mobile users now find it more convenient to sign off text messages with a ‘dick pic’ or ‘nip shot’ than take the trouble to leave a few kisses, smiley icon or their contact details at the House of Commons.

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