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God to appear in a vision and warn cinemagoers to turn off their mobile phones

After the failure of the Christianity campaign to advertise in cinemas, the Lord thy God will appear in a vision in selected cinemas to promote blessed popcorn, 2 for 1 baptisms and holy Fanta.

At a Wardour Street the Almighty told media journalists ‘When the agency approached me I told them I was perfectly capable of appearing in Person in cinemas; without the aid of the projectionist or teams of expensive creatives in frankly ridiculous jackets

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Blue Peter competition winner to officially rename terrorist group

In the UK they’re ISIL, ISIS or just plain IS. In Germany they are called ISO, in France they are just plain old EI and our American cousins prefer the term, ‘muslims’. The group, itself, likes the name “Daesh” and this is becoming a problem for news media around the world.

Man continues to use semicolons despite hopeless situation

An engineer from Gloucester has persevered with semicolons despite not receiving any recognition from his colleagues. David Fairly has admitted he wants to progress in his career and fortuitously regularly needs to separate two closely related independent clauses that are not already joined by a coordinating conjunction. In using semicolons within his sentences, he believed he would have the upper-hand against those who simply choose to use shorter sentences.

Junior doctors to stage 1970s style comedy strike

‘It’s not what we want to do’, said a young medic who wishes to remain anonymous.  ’But let us be honest here, after a 48 hour shift it really is quite easy to appear like a bungling buffoon who gets in all kinds of mildly amusing scrapes not knowing the difference between the words prostrate and prostate .  One of us will insert a stethoscope into a patient’s anal cavity by mistake while another will carry out a comedic ‘whoopsie’ sound using a rubber glove for extra effect.’

Garden Bridge will include ‘dogging area’ confirms Heatherwick

Garden Bridge designer Thomas Heatherwick has confirmed there will be a specially designated area given over to people addicted to exhibitionist sexual activity in open public places.  To start with the sex facility will only be open at night, but once it becomes notorious it is hoped the area will attract day-time doggers too.

Although the activity is more commonly associated with woodland parks and rural areas Mr. Heatherwick said the vast majority of Londoners do not own cars and it was only fair this was taken into account when planning ahead for bridge activities.

Man imprisoned for failing to provide an Amazon review

‘We must have sent him four emails asking for a review, but he just ignored them,’ said an Amazon spokesman today. ‘He hadn’t marked the product as a gift, so there was no reason to not provide a review,’ he added.

Judge Roberts commented when sentencing Billy Askew (24) from Winsford to three months in gaol that: ‘it was every on-line shopper’s civic duty to provide a review, even if it’s clearly horseshit’.

World struggles not to tell Charlie Sheen ‘I told you so’‏

The sad news of that star of ‘Anger Management’ was diagnosed with HIV four years ago, has naturally been greeted by an outpouring of empathy and a subliminal sense of ‘we did warn you’. While no one deserves such an illness, there is a feeling of inevitability; like a George Osborne cut-back, a James Corden punchline or US diplomacy involving guns.

Ironically, long before his diagnosis, many had assumed that Mr. Sheen’s predilection for prostitutes and porn stars was the main contributor to the world becoming immune to anti-biotics.

Salads to feature ‘extra cold sore’ in the run up to Xmas

Restaurateurs and microbiologists are bracing themselves for a seasonal fusion between the nation’s least imaginative side-dish and its most virulent side-blister.  This heady mixture leads to an unsightly phenomenon that can linger on the upper lip if not treated properly by dabbing with a McDonald’s serviette, TCP and discreet spitting.

One epidemiologist said: ‘We’ve seen a huge influx of Scandinavian pickled salad coming into contact with boiled British herpes. 

Cats still to decide on inside or outside referendum

The National Cat Association (NCA) has admitted that there is still no consensus about whether they want the free-market roaming that the garden represents or the warm monetary union offered by the airing cupboard.  A spokes-cat said: ‘We didn’t expect a swift decision; to be honest, it could be years.  What we will say is that shouting at us will not make it any quicker’.

Those in favour of staying indoors have said the deal has been sweetened by their German owner, offering additional squatting rights with any cardboard box, computer keyboard or lap of their choice.

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