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Ed Miliband returns from meditation retreat with powers of mind over matter

After spending the last three months in the wilderness of Nepal, Ed Miliband has returned and announced, at a packed press conference, that he now has full mastery of 100% of his mind and the ability to control remote objects by thought alone.

‘We do not have to accept the world as we find it. And we have a responsibility to leave our world a better place and never walk by once we release the full power of our minds,’ he stated. To rapturous applause he then levitated a plastic cup of water with his mind energy alone before gently setting it back down on the table.

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NRA calls for more guns in Syria

America’s National Rifle Association has identified a lack of guns in Syria as the reason for the high number of deaths from shootings there. A spokesman said: ‘That mass shooting at a military checkpoint would never have happened if someone had already shot the people who did it.’

Britain to seek reparations for Roman invasion

Britain has announced that it would be seeking compensation from Rome for occupying it from 49 and 410 AD. The move follows similar claims made by Britain against Scandinavia for the Viking invasions and against Normandy for 1066

Isle of Wight in shock at school paintball rampage

For the second time in barely 20 years, the Isle of Wight is said to be a state of shock after a student went on a rampage with a paintball gun in his school. In what was believed to be a generationally motivated attack, 15-year old Tristan Horner, a student from St Saviour’s Academy in Sandown, moved from classroom to classroom asking students their age before shooting anyone in their prime. Calls are already being made for stronger restrictions on paintballing guns.

It has been alleged that Horner, a loner who disdained the cream teas and Scout camps beloved of his generation on the Isle, specifically targeted those two to four years younger than him, who he described on Twitter is ‘well annoying’, plus assorted others he regarded as ‘total gaylords’.

Corbyn’s younger brother Ed ‘still waiting for the call’

Ed Corbyn, younger brother of the new Labour leader Jeremy, has told reporters he is ‘sitting by the phone’ in case anything untoward befalls his elder sibling.

‘I know things have all pretty much settled down now, but I just want to make sure everybody has my number,’ he said at a sparsely-attended press call on the fringe of the Labour conference in Brighton. ‘You know, I’m here any time, just say the word. The word being “challenge”, of course,’ he added, winking.

Young Kalahari bushmen embarrassed by ‘Dad rain dancing’

For centuries, the Kung bushmen from the deserts of southern Namibia have known what to do if a drought threatened their crops: dance in clockwise circles while improvising harmonic chants on a flat place at the edge of the village to implore the sky gods for rain. Now, unfortunately they are facing both mortification and hunger as an older generation of men with two left feet try to join in.

‘It really is excruciating,’ 19-year-old goat herdsman Mpumpomelo Nujoma told an anthropologist. ‘These 40-something old fools just sit around doing nothing much all year, then when we need rain, there they are shuffling about out of synch, deluding themselves that they are impressing the village girls and the spirits of our ancestors. And considering we live our entire lives stark naked, it just isn’t going to happen, is it?’

France ends refugee crisis by bombing Syria

With barely 10,000 refugees arriving at the Hungarian border in the last few days, many in the EU were starting to panic that we might run out of dispossessed masses, reasons to vote UKIP or emotive photographs of a child’s abandoned shoe. Fortunately the French government has sprung into action with air strikes in Syria, so as to force the remaining cowering citizens to emigrate using the nearest raft.

NATO members offered their support for the French bombing policy, which had already done such a remarkable job of bringing peace and stability to Iraq before it. In turn the British Prime Minister, David Cameron – who spent much of last year railing against Bashar al-Assad – has now endorsed him as a perfect ‘transitional President’ as Syria transitions from 2016 AD to 2016 BC.

Cow left in Asda by protesting farmer promoted to store manager

A dairy cow which was left in an Asda supermarket in Middlesbrough last month has been put in charge of running the store, it has emerged. Daisy had been taken to the store by farmer Kevin Pritchard as part of a nationwide protest against falling milk prices but has proven to be the best placed candidate to run the store.

‘Kevin left me in the shop while he went off to talk to the local journos,’ said Daisy. ‘When there was a bit of an altercation he was manhandled off the premises, leaving me stranded in Aisle 6, Dairy, Eggs & Cheese. I felt a bit spare so when an old lady asked me if I knew which aisle the Steradent was kept in I took her round to Aisle 2, Toiletries & Feminine Hygiene, and it started from there.’

Britain commemorates end of first week of David Cameron pig sex jokes

Events have been taking place across the country to mark a week since the news broke about David Cameron and the Piers Gaveston society, with celebrations honouring the many different ways in which ordinary people communicated the fact that the Prime Minister had sex with a dead pig’s face.

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