The victim told reporters that earlier that evening he had been the subject of a series of bitingly waspish remarks from what had either been two men and a woman, one man and two women, three very effeminate men or three very butch women. Their comments, which were of a ribald nature, were accompanied by a lot of ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ and high-pitched shrieking.
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When confronted over the findings, Mr Johnson, owner of CJ’s News & Booze, admitted that he was ‘ashamed’ of his actions.
Arsenal pipped local rivals Spurs for the opportunity to be humiliated as soon as they play a half decent team in next season’s Champions League.
In an attempt to control costs while maintaining a ‘healthy’ ratio of nursery staff to children, the Government has today unveiled its vision for the UK to lead the world in producing battery-raised toddlers.
Graduate trainee social workers will handle complex cases after five weeks and be well on the way to depression and a nervous breakdown within just two months, under a new fast-track training scheme unveiled today by the Government.
‘I got sick of looking at handsome young guys with six packs smiling down from the shelves at W H Smith and getting nudged in the side by the missus. So I bought myself a copy of Paunch and I haven’t looked back. The features on ‘low definition abs’ and ’10 steps towards guaranteed sex after ten pints of lager’ have literally changed my life, and I’ll be even happier after the divorce and the court case are over.’
Countering claims that the latest technology from Google will only further invade people’s privacy, the company has declared that their interactive ‘Glass’ spectacles are so brilliant they could have helped police in identifying celebratory perverts.
‘A 50p (75 euro) paperback that looks like it’s been read in a hurry by someone hiding it in a plastic bag is the obvious medium through which to disseminate Mr Brown’s work,’ explained Neil Cunliffe, president of Random House publishers.