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‘Chinese financial woes made me molest goat’ claims defendant

A 37 year-old Gosport man, who appeared in court on charges of outraging public decency, sexual assault and animal cruelty, has blamed his ‘regrettable’ behaviour on the volatility of global finance as a result of China’s financial instability.

Michael Bruntwhich was arrested last week after visitors at Pooley Brook Farm Park reported suspicious behaviour in the petting zoo section. ‘He was bending over the poor animal, muttering something about the Shanghai Composite,’ said one witness. ‘People started yelling and some of the dads tried to pull him off, but he refused to let go of the horns until the Chinese Government dropped it’s unrealistic economic growth targets or something – it was all a bit complicated to be honest.’

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Fears for ancient site as coach-load of schoolchildren moves closer

Schoolchildren from a South London primary school have entered the county of Wiltshire, and are heading toward Stonehenge, according to reports.

Bill Oddie ‘has never touched anyone up’, confirm reports

Scotland Yard spokesperson for The 1997 – 2000 ‘Birding with Bill Oddie,’ child abuse enquiry said this morning that accusations were filtering in from several minors invited to the filming that Bill Oddie ‘never touched them up’.

‘Manspread’ to replace butter

The online Oxford dictionary has added the act of ‘manspreading’ as a low-fat alternative to ‘moisturising your toast’.

Benedict Cumberbatch ‘magnificent’ as Bloke in Tesco

Benedict Cumberbatch has blown away the critics after a ‘magnificent, power-house performance’ at the Brent Cross Hendon Way Tesco Superstore in Cricklewood.

Chinese economy to become largest online betting site

Betfair, Paddy Power and ‘all our pension funds’ are set to merge into the world’s most irresponsible gambling company – China™.

Hackers expose names of thousands seeking fling with Labour

The Labour Party’s leadership contest has been suspended today, after hactivists exposed the names of thousands of people interested in having a dalliance with the party.

1D to join Kurdish Peshmerga fighters

In a shock move, One Direction have announced a break from music in order to battle the so-called Islamic State alongside Peshmerga fighters in northern Syria.

‘Dismaland’ does not start as soon as you leave the M5, insist tourist board

Officials from the Weston-Super-Mare tourist board have advised visitors heading to the town that Banksy’s dystopian nightmare bemusement park does not start ‘as soon as you leave Junction 21 on the M5 motorway’.

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