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World Cup style TV screens to stream C.C.T.V. in British town centres

Smile!The government has announced plans to install enormous televisions in the streets of Britain’s town centres, streaming live footage from C.C.T.V. cameras.

‘The appeal of seeing one’s face on a huge television is so great that we anticipate a sharp decrease in anti-social behaviour,’ insisted David Cameron.

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Alice Cooper ‘relishing’ prospect of annual UK royalty cheque

In good years the total amount can be as high as $62.

Mazher Mahmood poses as ‘reliable witness’

Mazher Mahmood, known as ‘the fake journalist’, yesterday pulled off his greatest sting by posing as a reliable witness to expose the ‘gross efficiencies and competences’ at the heart of the British justice system.

Isle of Wight coast threatened by huge slick of charity shop tat

slime 'everywhere'It survived the French invasion of 1545 and even the influx of five Polish would-be migrant workers, who were eventually seized and burned at the stake in Freshwater in 2009. Now, however, the pristine coastline of the Isle of Wight is facing its most deadly menace ever after an estimated 500,000 barrels of utterly appalling crap from charity shops leaked from an underground bunker near Portsmouth into the Solent.

Hague admits quitting as Foreign Secretary ‘to avoid World War 3′

As passenger airlines are shot down, the Middle-East descends into even greater chaos and American Idol enters its 13th season – all the portents are shaping up nicely for a global Armageddon.

Against the backdrop of a geo-political tsunami, William Jefferson Hague has announced his decision to resign as the UK’s Foreign Secretary, retire as an MP next election and focus on building a ‘start-of-the-art Anderson shelter’ in his back garden.

Loss Adjuster comes out of retirement for ‘one last job’

When Clive Barnes of Barnes & Snodgrass Loss Adjusters turned up unannounced at the Costa del Sol villa of his former colleague Trevor Clark his wife Angie knew what it meant.

‘Trevor promised me years ago that he’d given up the loss adjusting game for good but when Clive turned up I knew that he wouldn’t be able to resist one last job’ sobbed Angie. ‘Clive told him it was a big one – a bank on the King’s Road. It was fire and water damage he said, just like the old days. He wanted Trevor because he was experienced and he needed a cool head, not some cocky kid still wet behind the ears.’

DIY show does makeover for normal, healthy family

Viewers of a DIY makeover show were left a little bemused last night as they watched the transformation of a house occupied by a normal healthy family. John Thompson, 49, and his wife Debra and two children were the lucky recipients of some fairly costly renovations to their ‘tired-looking’ home.

‘The producers asked me on arrival if I’d lost a child recently or if any of them were terminally ill, or disabled, or had Down Syndrome, spina bifida, meningitis, leukaemia, eating disorders, a colostomy bag or were being bullied or just ugly. My boy had tonsilitis a few years back but other than that everyone is fine,’ said Mr Thompson.

Gaza ceasefire made possible by shared love of Quorn

the basis for a two-course solutionMiddle-east negotiators have told journalists how they hope to broker a ceasefire agreement by reminding both sides that they share a love of Quorn meat-free products.

‘We were desperately trying to come up with some common ground over breakfast yesterday morning,’ explained UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. ‘Just as I was popping a piece of succulent pork sausage into my mouth I suddenly thought, neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians would be able to do that. Then it hit me – they both probably love Quorn sausages instead! They’ve got no pork in them, they’re perfect for both religions.’

1966 World Cup Spectators Association to disband

It's all over. They think it is now!Veteran spectators of England’s only World Cup win are to finally disband as membership dwindles and survivors find it increasingly difficult to travel.

Each summer they have returned to the turf of Wembley Stadium to commemorate the heroes who gave so much for so many, and reminisce about the day that became etched on our collective consciousness for so many decades.

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