NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

Fathers unable to bond with their kids without shared Star Wars knowledge

A study of young parents has revealed that new fathers are unable to relate to their children without a shared knowledge of the Star Wars universe, with many refusing to take part in their upbringing until they have at least a basic understanding of ‘The Force’. Furthermore, parental bonds have been harmed over disagreements regarding the validity of the prequels and inclusion of Jar Jar Binx within the saga.

Fathers have been accused by women’s groups of putting their own nostalgia for the popular movie series before their responsibilities as a parent. In response, Fathers for Justice have taken to public buildings dressed as Batman, Spiderman and various other Marvel and DC characters to demonstrate the many other franchises they are willing to embrace.

Click here for the full story >

Browse Archives

News In Brief

Jellyfish now UKs favourite animal says survey

The common jellyfish is now Britain’s favourite pet according to research carried out yesterday.

The creature moved from 1,5000,000th most popular creature in the UK right up to the coveted No1 spot, replacing kittens, puppies and meerkats as the nation’s favourite.

Cardiff complain to League that Palace knew in advance that they were shit

Cardiff City have sent a 5-page letter of complaint to the Premier League arguing that their 3-0 defeat at the hands of Crystal Palace in early April should not stand. The Welsh club claim to have firm evidence showing that Palace staff knew in advance that Cardiff were shit. Lawyers for the relegation threatened club allege in the letter that Palace boss Tony Pulis had watched Cardiff City play in the run up to the fixture and had even watched them a bit on Match of the Day the previous week.

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’

Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.

Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.

London marathon runner raises £1m for existential angst charity

'will all these happy people please go away'London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst. Though its existence is disputed by some, existential angst is a debilitating condition that strikes men in their mid-to-late forties.

Sufferers report a variety of symptoms ranging from chronic self-absorption to horror at the futility of existence. Until recently Mortimer had worked as an IT specialist, but was fired from his position after discovering that existential angst is not an acceptable reason to call in sick.

Adoption agencies inundated with middle-class toddlers post ‘Offer Day’

where's the hope?As UK primary schools announce their allocated places, aspiring parents have been forced to make some tough decisions between living with the shame of an infant in an average OFSTED institution or to ‘cut their losses and run’.

Social services have observed a spiked increase in the number of Jacobs and Jemimas left outside orphanages with nothing but a small bowl of couscous, a Boden catalogue and a £20 M&S voucher.

Narnia receives scathing TripAdvisor review

it was all in the 400-page brochure, if only they'd lookedThe magical realm of Narnia is in uproar today after receiving a highly critical review on holiday appraisal website TripAdvisor. The review, by the Pevensie family of Finchley, complains of awful weather, rude talking animals and poor quality Turkish Delight. ‘The kids had been pestering us to go for ages, and it was either that or Center Parcs,’ explained Mr Pevensie. ‘However, when we got there it was nothing like the brochures. The weather was terrible and, as far as I can tell, it is always winter there. The talking animals and mythical beasts were ill-tempered and unhelpful while the much famed Turkish Delight was cheap supermarket rubbish and a major disappointment.

Journalists defend right to spout shit with ‘taped-up arsehole selfie’ campaign

Fiona?Hundreds of television journalists have taken photographs of themselves with bands of sticky tape fixed to their anuses.

The images form part of a campaign aimed at telling the world the relentless stream of crap known as ‘rolling news’ must never be stemmed by a return to more traditional journalistic values, such as proportion and relevance.

Government agrees to ‘gentlemen’s agreement’ with G4S over being ripped off

Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.

At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’

Click here for the full story >