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Wi-Fi signals can interfere with prayer, warns Church of England

‘Home Wi-Fi networks can seriously interfere with prayer’, warns the Church of England as they release guidance suggesting that you set your devices to airplane mode before asking for the Lord’s blessing. Studies have shown that Wi-Fi signals in both the 2.4Ghz and 5Ghz bands can seriously degrade and, in some cases, entirely block prayer.

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George Osborne offers his arse to skint Christmas shoppers

‘I pulled £27 Billion out of it last week and I reckon there could be more up there’.

Wednesday’s Syria vote to be judged by X-Factor panel

In a bid to capture the attention of Britain’s younger generation, Wednesday’s vote on whether the UK should join in the bombing Syria will have their preceding debates assessed by the judges of X-Factor.

Fellated by a dead pig? You may have been a victim of Tory bullying

Helplines have been jammed with MPs and party activists suddenly remembering that 90% of their experience at elite private schools may constitute bullying – rather than good nature ‘joshing’ with a cricket bat and a ‘tube of lube’. Even the Prime Minister is said to have been abused during University initiations, Coalition negotiations and once at a dinner party by Rebekah Brooks ‘high on horse tranquilisers’.

Osborne now working part-time on building site

George Osborne is now spending most of his working week on a building site in London’s east end, according to colleagues. ‘He seems to prefer pretending to be a builder than managing the economy’, said an unnamed Treasury source. ‘It was all we could do to talk him out of delivering the Autumn Statement wearing a hardhat and hi-vis jacket’.

God to appear in a vision and warn cinemagoers to turn off their mobile phones

After the failure of the Christianity campaign to advertise in cinemas, the Lord thy God will appear in a vision in selected cinemas to promote blessed popcorn, 2 for 1 baptisms and holy Fanta.

At a Wardour Street the Almighty told media journalists ‘When the agency approached me I told them I was perfectly capable of appearing in Person in cinemas; without the aid of the projectionist or teams of expensive creatives in frankly ridiculous jackets

Junior doctors to stage 1970s style comedy strike

‘It’s not what we want to do’, said a young medic who wishes to remain anonymous.  ’But let us be honest here, after a 48 hour shift it really is quite easy to appear like a bungling buffoon who gets in all kinds of mildly amusing scrapes not knowing the difference between the words prostrate and prostate .  One of us will insert a stethoscope into a patient’s anal cavity by mistake while another will carry out a comedic ‘whoopsie’ sound using a rubber glove for extra effect.’

Garden Bridge will include ‘dogging area’ confirms Heatherwick

Garden Bridge designer Thomas Heatherwick has confirmed there will be a specially designated area given over to people addicted to exhibitionist sexual activity in open public places.  To start with the sex facility will only be open at night, but once it becomes notorious it is hoped the area will attract day-time doggers too.

Although the activity is more commonly associated with woodland parks and rural areas Mr. Heatherwick said the vast majority of Londoners do not own cars and it was only fair this was taken into account when planning ahead for bridge activities.

Man imprisoned for failing to provide an Amazon review

‘We must have sent him four emails asking for a review, but he just ignored them,’ said an Amazon spokesman today. ‘He hadn’t marked the product as a gift, so there was no reason to not provide a review,’ he added.

Judge Roberts commented when sentencing Billy Askew (24) from Winsford to three months in gaol that: ‘it was every on-line shopper’s civic duty to provide a review, even if it’s clearly horseshit’.

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