A survey of UK incomes has confirmed that people with real jobs – defined by the government as ones they can explain to their parents – are destined to scrape along just above poverty levels until death, while total arseholes doing socially useless things that mean nothing to nobody have to compensate for their unpopularity with industrial quantities of loot.
News In Brief
The BBC has named Chris Evans as the new co-host of Top Gear when it returns with new host Chris Evans. The announcement was made on the BBC Radio 2 Chris Evans Breakfast Show this morning.
The head of the North Western Railway, Sir Topham Hatt, is to step down after he wildly underestimated its budget last year and will be replaced by Commissioner for Transport for London, Sir Peter Hendy.
God, the creator of the universe and leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was today asked by worshippers from a variety of faiths to add a dash of mystery to the manner in which he goes about governing the forces of nature, responding to the prayers of his followers and guiding his emissaries on Earth.
Not to be out done by the United States’ decision to legalise same-sex marriage, the British judiciary has laid out plans to take marriage in general to a whole new level of kitsch. One UK MP commented: ‘This isn’t about sexual orientation; it’s about everyone’s right to dress as Elvis, surrounded by lava lamps, while dancing to Kylie Minogue’.
In unprecedented scenes, people queuing at passenger terminals in Calais were filmed by fellow travellers having to run the gauntlet of migrants climbing into carrier bags and hand luggage in their bid to enter the UK.
A rather quizzical British Prime Minister left the Brussels summit last night arm in arm with an equally confused Greek PM, Alexis Tsipras. Having promised to leave the talks with an improved deal for the UK, a sheepish Mr. Cameron emerged from the proceedings as the proud new owner of a bankrupt Greek economy, seven cans of old paint and a four pack of AA batteries ‘with two missing’.
‘It’s a clever ruse, and utterly believable,’ said a spokesman for FFS. ‘The victim’s employer receives a demand from a shady outfit calling itself HMRC to take a percentage of wages out of the victim’s pay packet, falls for it, and then transfers the money to a ‘safe account’ where it can be frittered away by the fraudsters.’
Islamic state hopes to help jihadists “find a way of waging war against the infidel that’s right for you” by launching a jihad comparison website, it was confirmed today. “There’s a huge confusing market, particularly in afterlife care,” said a spokesman. “Al Shabab in the Maghreb has instant paradise on a kill-as-you-go deal, whereas Al Qaeda in the Yemen is offering unlimited virgins on a 24 month contract. How do you decide?”