Helplines have been jammed with MPs and party activists suddenly remembering that 90% of their experience at elite private schools may constitute bullying – rather than good nature ‘joshing’ with a cricket bat and a ‘tube of lube’. Even the Prime Minister is said to have been abused during University initiations, Coalition negotiations and once at a dinner party by Rebekah Brooks ‘high on horse tranquilisers’.
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Despite senior generals saying UK will need boots on the ground to fight in ‘Stalingrad’ operations; to topple ISIS Mr. Cameron says a couple of Tornadoes will do it as he has limited edition Charizard and a shiny Blastoise that will give them special powers.
Buoyed on a wave of nationalistic pride and sporting disbelief, the Lawn and Tennis Association (LTA) has set out a series of measures to re-establish the UK’s imperial might and grass-court dominance. Following on from their first Davis Cup win in seventy nine years, the LTA will demand secession from the UN, a return to the Raj and the ‘head of Novak Djokovic’.
George Osborne is now spending most of his working week on a building site in London’s east end, according to colleagues. ‘He seems to prefer pretending to be a builder than managing the economy’, said an unnamed Treasury source. ‘It was all we could do to talk him out of delivering the Autumn Statement wearing a hardhat and hi-vis jacket’.
At a Wardour Street the Almighty told media journalists ‘When the agency approached me I told them I was perfectly capable of appearing in Person in cinemas; without the aid of the projectionist or teams of expensive creatives in frankly ridiculous jackets
‘It’s not what we want to do’, said a young medic who wishes to remain anonymous. ’But let us be honest here, after a 48 hour shift it really is quite easy to appear like a bungling buffoon who gets in all kinds of mildly amusing scrapes not knowing the difference between the words prostrate and prostate . One of us will insert a stethoscope into a patient’s anal cavity by mistake while another will carry out a comedic ‘whoopsie’ sound using a rubber glove for extra effect.’
Garden Bridge designer Thomas Heatherwick has confirmed there will be a specially designated area given over to people addicted to exhibitionist sexual activity in open public places. To start with the sex facility will only be open at night, but once it becomes notorious it is hoped the area will attract day-time doggers too.
Although the activity is more commonly associated with woodland parks and rural areas Mr. Heatherwick said the vast majority of Londoners do not own cars and it was only fair this was taken into account when planning ahead for bridge activities.
‘We must have sent him four emails asking for a review, but he just ignored them,’ said an Amazon spokesman today. ‘He hadn’t marked the product as a gift, so there was no reason to not provide a review,’ he added.
Judge Roberts commented when sentencing Billy Askew (24) from Winsford to three months in gaol that: ‘it was every on-line shopper’s civic duty to provide a review, even if it’s clearly horseshit’.
The sad news of that star of ‘Anger Management’ was diagnosed with HIV four years ago, has naturally been greeted by an outpouring of empathy and a subliminal sense of ‘we did warn you’. While no one deserves such an illness, there is a feeling of inevitability; like a George Osborne cut-back, a James Corden punchline or US diplomacy involving guns.
Ironically, long before his diagnosis, many had assumed that Mr. Sheen’s predilection for prostitutes and porn stars was the main contributor to the world becoming immune to anti-biotics.