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Men relish denouncing 1970s sexism while still repeatedly saying ‘tits’

Deep, meaningful, respectful, thoughtful, pert observation somewhere round hereShocking revelations about how senior figures from the world of entertainment got away with sexual harassment, combined with an unlimited appetite for instant nostalgia among those who grew up with Spangles and Raleigh Choppers, are creating an ideal situation for middle-aged men. For those who get paid to pass sardonic comment on long-forgotten sitcoms where ‘dirty old men’ leered at ‘dolly birds’, it is better still.

‘Incredible,’ said David Baddiel, after watching an episode of The Professionals in which Bodie calmly fished a grenade out of a screaming Pamela Stephenson’s top. ‘Not only did they think it’s OK to have him rip her thin blouse wide open and slap her face to calm her down, they also have her look up at him doe-eyed and grateful for casually brushing the residue off her tits afterwards. Rescuing a woman, however heroically, does not automatically entitle you to touch her tits. Shocking.’

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Michael Buerk files his first report from ‘I’m a Celebrity’ jungle

‘Dawn. And as the sun breaks through the piercing chill of night on the camp outside the producers’ hotel, it lights up the scene of a 1990s game show, now, in the 21st Century. This show, say the people here, is the closest thing to free publicity on earth.’

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Online recruitment specialists announce new service for former convicted rapists

Online jobsite Monster.co.uk has announced the launch of a brand new recruitment site for former convicted rapists – Monster.co.uk/jobsforrapists.

Nicola Sturgeon vows ‘No more fishy surnames’

Scotland’s new first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, has vowed that she will not be continuing the practice of selecting senior SNP positions based on how fishy their surname is. Her announcement is widely seen as an attempt to distance herself from her predecessor, Alex Salmon.

Terror threat raised as Cotswolds Vicar declares Church of England Caliphate

The truth will set you free. What faith will do, nobody really knows...With much of the world distracted by the campaign against ISIS in the Middle East, Britain faces a new home-grown terror threat, after Stow-In- the-Wold vicar Jeremy Blythe pronounced an independent Anglican Caliphate stretching across much of rural Oxfordshire.
‘We have seized control of the parish councils of Stow, Coln St Aldwyns and Daglingworth,’ announced Blythe this morning, ’and as I speak, our forces are advancing on Shipston on Stour.’

England refuse to win the World Cup in protest

they think it's all over...In a bold statement of principle, the English Football Association has agreed to forego any chance of winning a trophy in order to pressure FIFA into reforming. Despite knowing that any team with Chris Smalling in it is bound to achieve Euro and World glory, the FA has insisted we will turn our back on this ‘dead cert’ unless Qatar relocates to the North Pole, FIFA rejects their Mob accountancy and Sepp Blatter admits he is Keyser Söze.

Bob Geldof to extend Band Aid concept to Boomtown Rats singles

The Great British Geldof‘It’s feckin’ genius,’ said the singer/songwriter, speaking about the fourth successful release of ‘Don’t They Know it’s Christmas?’ in thirty years. ‘I can’t believe it, surely they’ve cracked on to the date by now?’ he asked before launching into his new project. ‘You know, one of the reasons I stopped doing the Boomtown Rats was because writing songs is so feckin’ tedious, making words rhyme and stories that sorta make some sense,’ he said, adding, ‘but then I thought why don’t I do a Band Aid thing with my old songs, change a lyric here, add a chord there, slip in Bono wherever I can?’

Waitrose to go door-to-door making people cry in ‘targeted’ Christmas campaign

This child is later shown being sent back down t'pitWaitrose have announced that they are eschewing the traditional TV Christmas ad campaign; instead, they have unveiled ‘(an) individually-tailored campaign of lachrymosity.’

‘We want to make everyone cry in the run up to Christmas, so they will buy shedloads of our overpriced comestibles,’ explained CEO Nat Wilderman, ‘but frankly, John Lewis and Sainsbury’s have already sewn up the market this year.’

FIFA to investigate match fixing during 1914 Christmas Day international

twenty two men and an air-filled BlatterFIFA President Sepp Blatter has announced that the organisation is to launch a ‘root and branch’ investigation into claims that British servicemen were involved in ‘match-fixing’ against Germany, during a hastily arranged international on Christmas Day in 1914.

‘Money spent on Rosetta could have bailed one of us out’, moan banks

10 years to blow £1.1 billion? Hopeless!Despite costing a meagre £1.1bn and possibly changing the course of human civilisation as we know it, the banking community has been quick to dismiss the Rosetta Space Mission as a ‘frivolous boondoggle’. Another so-called giant leap for mankind, they argue, could easily have been reinvested in subprime mortgages, money laundering or paying for ‘the world’s greatest lap-dance’.

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