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Salmond: Second Bannockburn ‘inevitable’

Tomorrow? Belongs to me, ya ken!In his usual, measured, non-inflammatory manner, the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party Alex Salmond has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron to avenge both historical and current slights on a proud and powerful nation.

While Mr. Salmond refused to put an immediate timescale on the proposed medieval siege, commentators have pointed out that this new stance follows on from a series of other unreasonable diva demands; including scented rose-petal candles, his own parliamentary trailer and a unicorn pony.In his usual, measured, non-inflammatory manner, the ex-leader of the Scottish National Party Alex Salmond has insisted he will soon retake Stirling Castle and shove a red hot poker ‘up the arse’ of David Cameron to avenge both historical and current slights on a proud and powerful nation.

While Mr. Salmond refused to put an immediate timescale on the proposed medieval siege, commentators have pointed out that this new stance follows on from a series of other unreasonable diva demands; including scented rose-petal candles, his own parliamentary trailer and a unicorn pony.

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News In Brief

Public welcomes return of ‘good old-fashioned scandal’

The scandal surrounding Lord Sewel is, according to the British public, a heartwarming return to the traditional values of scandals that rocked the establishment in the past.

Migrants complain Eurostar delays ‘unacceptable’

Migrants have been making a series of complaints today at delays experienced at the Eurostar tunnel.

BBC ‘a good thing’, say some people who work there

Government-approved letter hints at brilliance of revered national institutionThe continuing row over the licence fee escalated today, as the BBC rounded up all the celebrities it has under contract and got them to say how great it is.

“Obviously, try and make it sound as if there’s some principle involved,” said the memo, which was anonymously leaked to a Sunday newspaper. “What makes Britain great, the envy of the world, that kind of thing. Don’t just gloat about how much money you’ve had out of us over the years.”

Seagulls could be used in war against IS, warns Cameron

per ardua, ad chipsDavid Cameron has said seagulls from Devon and Cornwall could be sent to Syria in a bid to help coalition forces tackle Islamist insurgents. A spokesperson for the unfussy seabirds said the gulls were definitely ‘up for a fight’, and would do whatever it takes to repel the terrorist threat posed by IS militia, especially if there was a fish supper in it for them.

New Labour to release cover version of ‘Just Say No’ (to socialism)

Things can only get bitterNew Labour has announced it will reform and record a special charity single – a cover of the Grange Hill classic ‘Just Say No’ – to warn against dabbling in left-wing politics.

‘Back in the 70s and 80s a lot of my friends were regularly leaning to the left,’ New Labour frontman Tony Blair told a packed press conference. ‘To watch their voter base slowly fade away as they shrank into the shadow of opposition broke my heart so much that I felt I needed a transplant. I was determined to stamp it out in the 90s and now socialism has reared its ugly head again, it’s time to get the old gang back together, with the possible exception of Prescott, and do something.’

London declares war on Yorkshire

Hague: "Your county needs you!"In a stunning new development in the fight against terror, London has declared war on Yorkshire. Citing the 7/7 bombings as justification, Prime Minister David Cameron said: ‘Yes, the bombers were all Muslims. But they were also all from Yorkshire, a fact which I don’t think has received enough attention until now.’

The Ministry of Defence expressed enthusiasm for the new strategy, a spokesman saying: ‘It’s a pain in the arse fighting bloody wars in the desert. The sand gets in everything. Yorkshire’s a much simpler proposition – we just need to give everyone a cagoule for the constant pissing rain.’

Boots on the ground in Syria ‘could be problematic’, say pharmacists

IS there a placebo?The prospect of the UK putting ‘Boots on the ground’ in the Syria has once again been on the agenda this week after our recent participation in US air strikes. However, experts have questioned whether the pharmacist and general store’s winning formula could be successfully translated from high street to war zone.

‘Jeremy Hunt shouldn’t work any days at all’, say doctors

National Self ServiceThe British Medical Association warned today that standards of patient care were being put at risk by Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt repeatedly travelling to his office and making fumbling attempts at doing his job. ‘It puts an intolerable strain on the Health Service,’ said one doctor who was too tired to remember his own name. ‘Every day there’s some stupid new idea, aimed only at placating the Daily Mail, that makes our jobs harder’.

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