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‘Manspread’ to replace butter

The online Oxford dictionary has added the act of ‘manspreading’ as a low-fat alternative to ‘moisturising your toast’. This somewhat unconventional spread involves rubbing cooked vegetables on the inner thighs of a hirsute man; this condiment then releases water-in-fat emulsion combined with the heady aroma of a festering jock-strap.

The origins of manspread date back to the Napoleonic era, when aroused Frenchmen would regularly ferment cream in the folds of their ‘nether regions’. Subsequently this butter substitute has proved very popular among dieters, who claim that calorie intake is significantly reduced when food is smeared in unappetising man juice.

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