Following the revelation that the blue and gold braided beard on the mask of the pharaoh Tutankhamun had been hurriedly glued back on after it was damaged, archaeologists and museum conservators around the world are checking for other instances of bodged conservation.
Italian conservator Luigi Boninsegna, based at Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, has given assurances that Michelangelo’s Statue of David remains intact, despite one or two female visitors remarking on the disappointing size of his manhood.
News In Brief
Cardinal Barry McKenzie has confirmed today that the project to build a replacement for Rome was way behind schedule, noting that ‘nobody suggested it could be achieved in a day’.
‘We’ve made fantastic progress,’ said a senior A&E consultant, referring to the news that the NHS was missing fewer targets than in November. ‘First we started locking the doors, then we gave everybody a couple of aspirin and told them to fuck off. Most never returned, so they were clearly putting it on.’
In a surprise U-turn, The Sun has renewed its commitment to publishing salacious images that may cause offence to decent people everywhere, including Tony Blair and George W. Bush in a series of compromising positions with Weapons of Mass Destruction. Editor David Dinsmore explained: ‘Figuratively speaking Blair and Bush were the biggest pair of tits we could find. And there are plenty more breast-related puns where that one came from, oh yes. Just keep counting.’
Film-lovers from all around the UK, though mostly in the Home Counties, are abuzz this week with the re-release of every single Merchant Ivory film in spellbinding 3D, including classics like A Room With A View and The Remains Of The Day.
When asked why he had gone 3D with 55 different period dramas, director James Ivory said: ‘I felt it was time to reach a younger audience, like people in their 70s. If you think another shot of Anthony Hopkins gazing wistfully out of a window onto an Edwardian lawn can’t get any more exhilarating, wait until you see it in 3D. Honestly, it feels like you could reach out and stroke his croquet balls.’
Hundreds of Page 3 girls were seen fleeing from The Sun offices today. It is thought some may have escaped from their captors while others were freed as The Mail Online closed in on its territory. The two groups have recently been engaged in a fierce battle, forcing The Sun to retreat to the moral high-ground.
One witness described the scene as ‘chaos’ as the girls, many of them emaciated, half-clothed and barely out of childhood, ran from the paper’s headquarters in Fleet Street and were bundled into nearby taxis. Nothing is known of the fate of a smaller number of Page 7 fellas previously abducted from various stripping dance troupes, who remain missing.
In a bold statement of intent, Liberal Democratic Party leader Nick Clegg has set out his kid-free vision of the future. With a clear manifesto commitment, the Liberal Democrats expect to put an end to small people saying ‘I’m bored’ or ‘It’s not fair’ and monopolising all the jelly. By 2025, the Lib Dems have also promised to eradicate nose-picking in public.
A party spokeswoman explained: ‘We are not going to euthanise the grammatically challenged kiddie-winks as such. That would be cruel and, more to the point, time-consuming. We are just going to reclassify them as ‘stupid very young adults’. As such, they will be legally entitled to vote Liberal Democrat.’
A recent study in the European Journal of Sports Sciences concludes the majority of students do not wash, yet the same students would happily start if the European Journal of Sports Sciences would stop ‘creeping them out’. The same teenagers admit that the main causes of self-consciousness in the shower were body self-image, duelling banjos or someone called Big Gonzo telling you to ‘pick up the soap’.
The UN has been called upon to act ‘swiftly and decisively’ amid worsening affection between Barack Obama and David Cameron at the Whitehouse last week. Public decency is said to be in tatters after lurid scenes of togetherness between the US president and his ‘bro’ were aired on prime-time television with no warning. Rumours that Cameron referred to Obama as his ‘homie’ are mercifully unconfirmed.