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Cut-off Nepalese villages still unaware Kate has had girl, say Red Cross

will just have to find something else to keep them occupiedMany remote villages in the worst hit areas of Nepal remain cut off and completely unaware that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby girl, according to the International Red Cross. Aid agencies have confirmed that thousands of people in Nepal’s middle hills and isolated western towns have still to be reached by rescue teams and given the news of the Royal baby.

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Tesco to attract ‘better class of customer’ with Waitrose price-match

Tesco bosses have announced a new price-match promotion which they hope will attract a ‘better class of affluent customer’ into their stores. The price-match with Waitrose will guarantee that no equivalent product in Tesco is ever sold cheaper than Waitrose.

Maverick headteachers kidnap Ofsted

Following complaints from the National Union of Whinging Heads that Ofsted is suppressing ‘maverick’ tendencies, an elite squad of maverick headteachers has taken ‘assertive action’ against the education regulator.

David Cameron’s hair pledges to leave UK if Labour wins

frankly, I'm worth itWith less than a week to polling day, David Cameron’s hair has weighed into the general election campaign by threatening to pull up its roots and emigrate if the Labour party wins on 7 May. ‘Under this Conservative-led government, what we have seen from David Cameron’s hair is recovery from recession and a return to growth,’ said George Osborne today. ‘It’s been a miraculous turnaround. Figures show our prime minister now has the fastest-growing head of hair in Europe.’

Cameron hits back at Miliband with Jim Davidson interview

public need to know what Chalky thinks about all this...In a bid to snatch back public attention from Labour’s Ed Miliband, who this week enthused the young electorate with his casual chat with hipster Russell Brand, PM David Cameron has released footage of a ‘laid back chin wag’ with former funny man and casual racist, Jim Davidson.

‘No my mother in law is not so fat she has to get her knickers on the National Health,’ David Cameron jokily responded in the no-holds barred interview, which is not currently available on YouTube because Jim doesn’t have a channel. ‘Though let me make a point here. Our National Health System is entirely safe in the hands of Conservative MPs and those with shares in private health companies. I want everyone, including those waiting in ambulance queues outside A and E departments up and down the country to know that.’

Puppets speak out about abuse at the hands of ‘cruel ventriloquist’

'he seemed so normal on the outside...'Dozens of the nation’s puppets have today spoken about their years of suffering in the hands of ventriloquist Keith Harris, in the wake of his death this week. The entertainer, known for his appearances on such family-friendly shows as Crackerjack, Seaside Special and The Black and White Minstrel Show, was a stalwart of British TV in the 70′s and 80′s, though many of those he worked with now claim his slick stage act hid a darker side.

Lurpak on offer at Asda, says your wife’s mother at six in the frigging morning

and then she just wants to eat it, for heaven's sakeAccording to sources close to your wife, which during the last five seconds have have been positively identified with her mother, Lurpak is on sale at 40% off in Asda this week. The news emerged in a phone call that woke you 40 seconds ago from a dream about Little Mix playing netball in blue pleated skirts at two minutes past six, for f*ck’s sake.

Tories threaten to finish what they started‏

The meek? Jesus was a silly Socialist...Buoyed by an endorsement from representatives of 5,000 small businesses, the Conservative Party has pledged to put a ‘food bank on every street corner’. Not content with four years of misery, David Cameron hopes to continue with his vision of low interest rates, low inflation and low self-esteem for any graduate looking for a job.

Many in the Conservative Party are concerned that, while there remains one or two functioning schools, their work is incomplete. A spokesman said: ‘If just one person is claiming disability benefit, that‘s one too many. We will put an end to poverty, by putting an end to poor people. One way or another.’

Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say police

'Hatton, Hatoff, it's all the same to us'Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary. A police spokesman defended the decision not to inform the vault owner nor investigate the alarm while the robbery was in progress, as it only lasted several hours.

‘Firstly, who actually pays any attention to burglar alarms? Quite often it is down to operator error or a computer glitch, so it is best to give it a while and see if the problem sorts itself out. Then we have to establish the facts before we devote resources to this so-called alarm for a so-called break in at a so-called vault at Hatton Garden Safety Deposit Box Ltd. If that is their real name.’ He added, grimly.

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