Straight man attacked by gang of vicious homosexuals
A 20-year-old straight man has told of his terror at being set upon by a gang of openly gay thugs.
The victim told reporters that earlier that evening he had been the subject of a series of bitingly waspish remarks from what had either been two men and a woman, one man and two women, three very effeminate men or three very butch women. Their comments, which were of a ribald nature, were accompanied by a lot of ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ and high-pitched shrieking.
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News In Brief
British Soap Awards wins Most Pointless Event in the Universe Award
Planet earth rejoiced last night after it was revealed the Intergalactic Federation had awarded the British Soap Awards the prize for Most Pointless Event in the Known Universe.
Northampton corner shop named as only UK business to pay full corporation tax
When confronted over the findings, Mr Johnson, owner of CJ’s News & Booze, admitted that he was ‘ashamed’ of his actions.
Childcare reforms lead to first battery-farm nurseries
In an attempt to control costs while maintaining a ‘healthy’ ratio of nursery staff to children, the Government has today unveiled its vision for the UK to lead the world in producing battery-raised toddlers.
Fire Service needs Transformers, concludes independent report
Fire and rescue services would be much better if staffed by ultra-powered giant robots, according to an independent review commissioned by the Government.
Social workers to be fast-tracked to a nervous breakdown
Graduate trainee social workers will handle complex cases after five weeks and be well on the way to depression and a nervous breakdown within just two months, under a new fast-track training scheme unveiled today by the Government.
New ‘Total Paunch’ magazine a huge hit with men
‘I got sick of looking at handsome young guys with six packs smiling down from the shelves at W H Smith and getting nudged in the side by the missus. So I bought myself a copy of Paunch and I haven’t looked back. The features on ‘low definition abs’ and ’10 steps towards guaranteed sex after ten pints of lager’ have literally changed my life, and I’ll be even happier after the divorce and the court case are over.’
Google Glasses ‘would have detected Savile’
Countering claims that the latest technology from Google will only further invade people’s privacy, the company has declared that their interactive ‘Glass’ spectacles are so brilliant they could have helped police in identifying celebratory perverts.
Latest Dan Brown novel published in ‘straight to car boot sale’ format
‘A 50p (75 euro) paperback that looks like it’s been read in a hurry by someone hiding it in a plastic bag is the obvious medium through which to disseminate Mr Brown’s work,’ explained Neil Cunliffe, president of Random House publishers.
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