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New series of ‘I’m a Celebrity’ will be set in Calais

Sources from ITV have confirmed rumours that the channel’s new series of ‘I’m a Celebrity get me out of here!’ is to be set on the outskirts of Calais. ‘This is a variation on a theme; usually we send our celebs to Australia but this new jungle that has sprung up in Calais provides our stars with plenty of challenges’ said a spokesman.

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Surgeon admits ‘YMCA’ was a poor choice of music for operation

The medical team danced around the operating theatre, miming the letters of the song’s title at every chorus.

One Direction surprises fans by releasing cover of 70s prog rock track

‘It is a bit of a departure for the band musically, what with the intro being longer than the age of their fans.’

Amazon to deliver Top Gear trio by drone

Following the signing of former Top Gear presenters Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, online retail and media giant Amazon have announced plans to ‘physically stream’ the maverick trio into viewers’ homes via Prime Air drones.

‘Our Amazon Prime Air service is a high-end, high-profile delivery platform befitting a high-end, high-profile presenting team,’ revealed Jay Marine, vice-president of Amazon Prime Video EU. ‘What better way to send this exciting new content to consumers? From the very moment we met them, the first thing we thought of was ‘drones’.’

Daily Mail exclusive: Cecil the lion was depraved serial killer

Actually, he was beastly!For days, the left has been wringing its hands on social media over the fate of ‘Cecil’, the iconic African lion who was shot dead by a brave, freedom-loving American hunter armed only with a high-powered crossbow. Now, however, the ugly truth about this distasteful animal is slowly beginning to emerge.

People in Crimewatch reconstructions ‘just actors’, programme makers confirm

'Have nightmares, don't sleep well.'The BBC today issued a statement emphasising that the people shown apparently committing crimes in the “reconstructions” segment of its popular Crimewatch series are just actors, performing a prearranged series of words and actions they have committed to memory.

This follows reports that a number of people, whom the producers describe as ‘unbelievable f*ckwits’, regularly call in identifying the actors, sometimes even citing other programmes they have appeared in to help the authorities track them down.

Channel Tunnel NOT a gateway to Narnia

And anyway, Aslan's been shot by a dentistThe Ministry of Defence has been forced to release a blanket denial that Calais’ entrance to the UK is the portal to a fantasy kingdom of bounteous social benefits and friendly characters from classic British fiction. Sadly, immigrants have been flooding into the area under this mistaken belief that they will get to meet Aslan, hobbits and the cast of ‘Glee’.

Nightly, hundreds of desperate stowaways risk their lives to get a peek of the animals of Farthing Wood who they believe are waiting at the other end. One migrant admitted: ‘The UK is the land of milk and honey – resting on the backs of four huge elephants and one enormous space turtle. And where else can you claim child benefit for dependents living outside the UK, while at the same time sending you other kids to Hogwarts?’

Husband fails to conceal adoration for University Challenge contestant

Oh, come on!Quiz fanatic Douglas Poulter was in hot water last night after an attractive female University Challenge contestant left him dumb-struck for several starters for ten.

The usually vocal know-it-all was conspicuously slack-jawed for at least five rounds of questions while he indulged in a silent reverie that featured the young history student in a translucent summer dress, a steamy Athenian grove, and a hastily devoured picnic of oysters and figs.

New Channel Tunnel back to North Africa unveiled

That'll sort itAfter months of top-secret excavation work, the results of a major Anglo-French construction project have been unveiled today: a brand-new extension of the Channel Tunnel that will take would-be migrants from Calais straight back to a currently undisclosed location in North Africa.

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