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Smart weapons to boycott ‘dumb’ Syrian air strikes

There are unconfirmed rumours that a ‘significant’ number of smart-bombs are threatening to withhold their explosive capabilities in protest against the ever-changing pattern of alliance, counter-alliance, and counter-counter-alliance that has left Syria a veritable – and actual – minefield of political factions.

Lance, a 250lb GBU-39 SDB, takes up the story. ‘It’s just so bloody frustrating and unprofessional.  You spend hours boning up on a Alawite stronghold, then in-flight it changes to an Al-Assad loyalist column.  By the time you are actually over the target it’s probably Al Murray and the sodding Dagenham Girl Pipers.

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NASA fake water on Mars to help Matt Damon‏

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Man still coasting at work 6 weeks after holiday

A man from Suffolk is allegedly still ‘getting up to speed on various emails’ a full 40 days after returning from Portugal, it has been confirmed. Administrator Jamie Bennet returned to work on a Wednesday in late August and legitimately spent the rest of the week changing his desktop settings and looking at Wikipedia.

‘Quiet carriage’ to be supplemented by ‘Properly quiet carriage’

Disgruntled rail passengers leaning across the aisle to say ‘Can’t you read? This is the quiet carriage!’ may become a thing of the past following plans to introduce a range of carriages designed to ram the point home.

Robert Peston to pioneer casual Fridays at ITV

The BBC’s economics editor is to leave his lucrative position as ‘man who pretends to know stuff after it has happened’ and to take-over the role of ITV’s dress-down expert.  Known for his tenuous relationship with formal attire, Mr. Peston is expected to introduce a range of clothing items to news reporting; including flip-flops, rompers and the ‘banana hammock’.

Critics of Mr. Preston’s dress sense have raised concerns that his appointment may lead to a deluge of topless ITV journalists.

Confident Osborne, smokes crack during Conference speech

George Osbourne today highlighted his dominant positon in the polls by openly challenging Boris Johnson to a fight and demanding his turn ‘to f@$k a pig’. In a series of bizarre acts, the Chancellor ambled about the stage, fist-pumping imaginary voters and blowing kisses to the assembled press.

Sitting on the edge of the stage and openly smoking from a glass pipe, he yelled: ‘Let’s face it Britain, who else are you going to vote for now?

‘Extreme poverty’ unlikely to become an Olympic Sport‏

While five new sports, including ‘Sepp Blatter Accounting’, are set to be added to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, impoverished activities like ‘ultra-privation’ or ‘uber-penury’ are unlikely to make the cut.  In fact, according to the World Bank, participation in ‘extreme poverty’ has fallen below 10%, putting it on par with English rugby as ‘something no one wants to be part of’.

Ministers, having investing a lot of time in not investing in welfare, had hoped a cut to tax credits might inspire a generation of disenfranchised athletes.  However, using the poverty income figure of $1.90 per day, very few Premiership footballers fall into that category.

Cameron urged not to push red button ‘before bake off final’

Presidents Obama and Putin have both phoned David Cameron pleading with him to show restraint during a period of worsening international relations and ‘bugger-all’ to watch on TV. However a spokesman for the Prime Minister was in bullish mood, threatening: ‘To wipe Paul Hollywoods’ smug smile off the face of the planet, with two tonnes of weapon grade plutonium and re-runs of Dad’s Army.’

Not wishing to be seen as a weak with regards threats to national security and BBC programming, Mr. Cameron is fully prepared to use Trident at the merest hint of a Mel & Sue double entendre.

City farm announces bumper tramp harvest

As the late September sun dips over Canary Wharf, urban farm manager Kevin Neville has been taking stock of the busy harvest that has left the barns overflowing and paused for a moment to reflect on what a difference a year can make.

Twelve months ago, the farm was on the verge of financial ruin. Crops were regularly failing, livestock was traumatised to the point of paralysis by inner city life, staff attrition at an all-time high and public support was at an all-time low.

Ed Miliband returns from meditation retreat with powers of mind over matter

After spending the last three months in the wilderness of Nepal, Ed Miliband has returned and announced, at a packed press conference, that he now has full mastery of 100% of his mind and the ability to control remote objects by thought alone.

‘We do not have to accept the world as we find it. And we have a responsibility to leave our world a better place and never walk by once we release the full power of our minds,’ he stated. To rapturous applause he then levitated a plastic cup of water with his mind energy alone before gently setting it back down on the table.

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