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London emergency services practice for Murray exit

expected to reach highest state of alert early next weekIntelligence officials have closed down sections of the UK’s capital, in order to stage a simulation of the terror conditions that will occur in the wake of the Wimbledon Champion ‘choking in the quarter finals’.

The exercise involves 1,000 police officers, all of whom have been instructed to ‘taser on sight’ anyone seen weeping into a punnet of strawberries.

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FEATURE: 3.5 million gay people panic as they realise they’re expected to propose now

but it's a really big commitment...
Patrick Allen, a gay man from San Francisco reveals the immeasurable terror of committing to his partner, James Greene, for the rest of their lives.

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News In Brief

Lord Janner to be tried using Mediterranean Migrant boats

The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) today unveiled fresh plans to try Lord Janner in connection with alleged historical child abuse.

Chris Evans to join Chris Evans as new co-host of Top Gear

The BBC has named Chris Evans as the new co-host of Top Gear when it returns with new host Chris Evans. The announcement was made on the BBC Radio 2 Chris Evans Breakfast Show this morning.

Salary survey reveals twats continuing to prosper

Don't be niceA survey of UK incomes has confirmed that people with real jobs – defined by the government as ones they can explain to their parents – are destined to scrape along just above poverty levels until death, while total arseholes doing socially useless things that mean nothing to nobody have to compensate for their unpopularity with industrial quantities of loot.

God asked to move in less predictable ways

'I'm not in'God, the creator of the universe and leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was today asked by worshippers from a variety of faiths to add a dash of mystery to the manner in which he goes about governing the forces of nature, responding to the prayers of his followers and guiding his emissaries on Earth.

UK approves ‘Gay-er marriage’

'wheel out Kylie!'Not to be out done by the United States’ decision to legalise same-sex marriage, the British judiciary has laid out plans to take marriage in general to a whole new level of kitsch. One UK MP commented: ‘This isn’t about sexual orientation; it’s about everyone’s right to dress as Elvis, surrounded by lava lamps, while dancing to Kylie Minogue’.

Cross Channel foot passengers facing migrant ‘piggy-backing’ misery

so cunning you'd hardly know they were thereFoot passengers returning to the UK from day trips to Calais are being subjected to attempts by illegal migrants to stow away inside their personal belongings.

In unprecedented scenes, people queuing at passenger terminals in Calais were filmed by fellow travellers having to run the gauntlet of migrants climbing into carrier bags and hand luggage in their bid to enter the UK.

Cameron wins Greece in EU negotiation

'Greece in our time'A rather quizzical British Prime Minister left the Brussels summit last night arm in arm with an equally confused Greek PM, Alexis Tsipras. Having promised to leave the talks with an improved deal for the UK, a sheepish Mr. Cameron emerged from the proceedings as the proud new owner of a bankrupt Greek economy, seven cans of old paint and a four pack of AA batteries ‘with two missing’.

£1.5 trillion lost to cash transfer con in the UK

How have they got away with it for so long?At least £1.5 trillion has been lost in a nationwide scam that ‘encourages’ people to unwittingly transfer their money into a fraudster’s account, according to Financial Fraud Study (FFS).

‘It’s a clever ruse, and utterly believable,’ said a spokesman for FFS. ‘The victim’s employer receives a demand from a shady outfit calling itself HMRC to take a percentage of wages out of the victim’s pay packet, falls for it, and then transfers the money to a ‘safe account’ where it can be frittered away by the fraudsters.’

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