Americans getting ‘emotionally attached’ to drones
An increasing number of Americans are questioning why brave drones are being sent to fight intractable wars in distant countries, with many concerned citizens becoming distraught when they don’t come back in one piece.
In Fort Baker, Alabama, home of the US Air Force drone school, communities are ‘trying to hold it together’ after news that yet another of their courageous, professional drones has been lost in the skies over Afghanistan. The loss brings the total to seven this year, a toll which local residents feel is becoming unacceptable.
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‘Share-a-Coke’ campaign will ‘stem the flow of crap baby names’
Coca-Cola’s new ‘Share-a-Coke’ summer campaign has had thousands of people rummaging through supermarket fridges and has now also become a source of baby names for expectant mothers.
Wayne Rooney trapped in home for two days by baby stair gate
After the star failed to report for training it emerged that he had been trapped upstairs in his Cheshire home trying to work out how to open a baby stair gate.
Accident & Emergency services to be outsourced to vets’ surgeries
‘It makes complete sense that when a vet is not treating Fido or Tiddles for ticks, they open their doors to patients who may have had a stroke, major trauma injury or a saucepan stuck on their head,’ said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt.
Google search for ‘reasons to put something back into society’ returns no results
‘A simple inquiry ‘How can multinational corporations contribute to society?’ turned up no results, while an open query about the redistribution of wealth through taxation only brought up adverts for some banks in the Cayman Islands.’
Straight man attacked by gang of vicious homosexuals
The victim told reporters that earlier that evening he had been the subject of a series of bitingly waspish remarks from what had either been two men and a woman, one man and two women, three very effeminate men or three very butch women.
Childcare reforms lead to first battery-farm nurseries
In an attempt to control costs while maintaining a ‘healthy’ ratio of nursery staff to children, the Government has today unveiled its vision for the UK to lead the world in producing battery-raised toddlers.
Fire Service needs Transformers, concludes independent report
Fire and rescue services would be much better if staffed by ultra-powered giant robots, according to an independent review commissioned by the Government.
Social workers to be fast-tracked to a nervous breakdown
Graduate trainee social workers will handle complex cases after five weeks and be well on the way to depression and a nervous breakdown within just two months, under a new fast-track training scheme unveiled today by the Government.
‘No-one likes a poof, son. Snap out of it.’
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