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UK starts advertising for Scotland’s replacement

Your place or mine? Actually, mine.In the aftermath of Alex Salmond shouting Alistair Darling into submission, the remaining parts of the British Isles have resigned themselves to the fact that its time ‘to move on’ and start seeing other countries. To this end, the Foreign Office has put out a series of classified ads asking for those interested in love, union and a ‘B&D parliamentary system’.

The exact wording of the full advert mentions a ‘long-term business arrangement’ but also, in what is seen as a veiled dig at the Scots, a request for someone who is ‘…well endowed, drug and disease free’. However, contrary to their own protestations, the UK has clearly not obtained ‘full closure’; welcoming applications from a ‘chubby, argumentative red head.’

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Twitter reacts to @tenborough death

Spanish Footballer: Loved his nature programmes. Sad news #gorillas #takethat

Ben Thomas: He wasn’t in gorillaz. That was Damon Albarn. Tit. #blur #feud

Rob Watson: It’s Attenborough the actor. He was an actor ffs. #plebs

Reality Tv star: Don’t fink he was acting. He genuinely loved animals.

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News In Brief

God nominates Jesus for Ice Bucket Challenge

Nearly 2000 years after his last appearance on earth, Jesus has been tasked by his Father, the Holy Sprit, to perform the Ice Bucket Challenge. Jesus has been waiting for his second resurrection to earth and it is believed that he has been asked by God to make an appearance and show the world that he is still a good egg, plus raise a few bob for charity.

The rest of the world needs to stop depressing us, complains UK‏

By steadfastly focusing on gloom in Ukraine, Iraq, Gaza and West Africa, the world’s general grumpiness has detracted from the UK’s enjoyment of a new Dr Who, Kate Bush in concert and the anticipation of Mario Balotelli going ‘bat shit crazy’ at Liverpool.

Holiday companies to offer IS selfie execution packages

'C'mon, lighten up!' said an IS spokesmanIS today declared beheading videos are a great way to make loads of money from YouTube and are simply harmless fun.

‘I must admit they make a refreshing change from all those boring pet videos, which have been flogged to death.’ said Mrs Irene Crudwell, 88, from Bournemouth. ‘In fact, I’d quite like to be beheaded on video myself; surely it must be cheaper than Dignitas – all you need is the air fare. You would get a lasting video for all your loved ones to cherish and worldwide fame to compensate for your boring meaningless life. Besides, I’ve never been to Iraq and I’ve heard it’s lovely this time of the year.’

Operation Yewtree unearths historic abuse of a beloved ‘immaculate’ celebrity

Operation Yewtree has opened an investigation into remarkable claims that an underage Nazareth girl was the victim of historic child abuse.

According to some highly questionable accounts written by an anonymous doctor going by the name of Luke, the girl who is referred to only as Mary was taken advantage of by an almighty intruder who somehow managed to gain entry to her home without her parents’ knowledge. The as yet unauthenticated document seems to suggest events in which the mysterious assailant proceeded to ply the innocent Mary with holy spirit. He then asserted his divine will before finally impregnating her without leaving a single seed of evidence.

The perpetrating procreator is widely believed to be an elderly, but exceptionally potent, bearded man who seeks to control the vulnerable and irrational by using a combination of guilt psychology, threats of fiery damnation and promises of eternal milk and honey.

Cost of a three-bedroom house in London ‘causing extremist Jihadi mobilisation’

something for everyone, with no desert at allNew research by the Home Office suggests that Islamic State militants’ attempts to found a Caliphate in northern Iraq is being backed up by hundreds of British volunteers unable to get a foothold in Britain’s spiralling housing or rental market.

Seen as the only option to escape an oppressive annual house price inflation of over 10%, intelligence suggests hundreds of unmortgageable British Muslims have travelled to warzones to eschew oppressive capitalist ‘fair lending’ criteria after IS promised them ‘a nice semi-detached, with on-street parking’.

BBC and Police to extend holiday house-sitting service by popular demand

best if they've all gone on a summer holidayFollowing the recent raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s home, where police hung around for a while tending the plants and generally keeping the place tidy while the BBC filmed it, many celebrities are vying to experience for themselves the new BBC/Police house-sitting service while they are off on their holidays.

‘We have had heaps of enquiries,’ trilled the South Yorkshire Police Events Manager, Pauli Throop. ‘Our Flying Squad eye-in-the-sky package offers a discreet and professional service that won’t disintegrate your front door by whumping it in with one of those battering rams we use with our Channel Four budget ‘Crims on a Shoestring’ deal. Our highly-trained operatives will not so much as thieve a ‘Sir Cliff On Rollerskates’ ashtray.’

156 people found inhumanely crushed into metal container at Crewe station

they were lucky to get out aliveAmbulances and police in huge numbers rushed this morning to Crewe station after the discovery of scores of people there being trafficked against their will in a metal box.

The incident had been reported by several eye witnesses on the platform who apparently wanted to get in the container but couldn’t, and police later discovered several other containers attached to the first with hundreds more desperate souls in similarly atrocious conditions.

Bank of England’s Governor feeds interest rate dissenters to piranhas

They really had become rather tiresomeTwo members of the Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee who favoured an interest rate rise have been eaten alive by a school of piranhas on the whim of Bank of England Governor Mark Carney, while shocked members of the committee looked on.

Minutes of the meeting of 6th August note that Ian McCafferty and Martin Weale ‘left the meeting early’ after a disagreement over whether rates should remain at the historic low of 0.5%.

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