After a year of painful negotiations, a group of teachers has today finally agreed how to allocate the bill from their 2013 Christmas lunch, just in time to book into the same restaurant for their 2014 event. ‘I know it sounds like a small sum to those in the private sector,’ said one member of the group, ‘but there was an important principle at stake: I didn’t have a starter and Eric had two glasses of wine. And I won’t even mention a certain person who isn’t even a teacher, she’s just a supply, yet she had a Black Forest gateau that wasn’t even on the set menu. She clearly doesn’t do things by half. Except with her job.’
News In Brief
The EU has today ruled that Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) are now to follow a standard format. ‘Our research shows that, actually, there’s no evidence that any so-called FAQ has ever been asked and most questions that are asked don’t seem to be included,’ said David O’Donnell, an FAQ expert advising the EU.
Lord of the Sith Darth Vader has warned his sworn enemies that he will be unleashing revenge in its most ruthless form, simply by living well. The Dark Emperor threatened a low carb gluten free diet, regular exercise, and a vengeful appetite for Alpen Swiss Style Muesli.
Despite years of promising to cut back on excessive water-boarding binges, the US is reluctant to add torture to its list of ‘Do Nots’ for 2015. Like most people in January, the CIA’s counter-terrorism unit was expected to give up on auditory abuse, sleep deprivation and chocolate. Current US resolutions include not employing Piers Morgan, not supporting affordable health care and not shooting black teenagers, although the last point is more of a guideline than a resolution.
‘It’s probable that some areas are going to experience double digit temperatures over Christmas,’ conceded a Met Office official today. ‘We think it could be due to a warm southerly front or the new supercomputer overheating, but there is a real risk of a warm Christmas, with grey skies and light drizzle. You know, like the last 45 Christmases everywhere outside the Scottish Highlands, only a bit warmer still.’
Former President Bill Clinton has greeted with delight the news that Americans might be allowed to import Cuban cigars legally after President Obama announced plans to normalise relations between the two countries. ‘I have had some enormous cigars in the past,’ he told the Washington Post. ‘As a young man these were totally huge. Many of my friends and colleagues will remember just how big these totally legal large cylindrical male-oriented objects were.’
The nation’s university students are said to be ‘overjoyed’ to have escaped the oppression and abject tedium of government-funded piss-ups and sexual exploration and returned home to the exciting, argument-free households of their parents for the festive season.
A football match between the British and German armies, which was organised to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the famous Christmas truce in the trenches in 1914, has sparked a diplomatic incident after ending in a massive brawl.
After revelations that the CIA used ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ to torture prisoners, it has emerged that British forces may have to be tortured to see if they admit to having taken part in similar practices after 9/11 and during recent Middle East wars. The army believes that, unpalatable though it is, this may be the only way to the truth.