NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

FIFA awards FBI investigation contract to the Mafia

In a surprise turn of events, the world’s football governing body has revealed that the Cosa Nostra has been chosen to host the 2016 corruption probe – by a unanimous ballot of ‘people with a Swiss bank account’. Despite what had been seen as a strong bid by the FBI, when the votes were counted, it transpired that everyone including the FBI had voted for the Mafia and signed their slip ‘love from – Sepp’.

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Seven countries to watch out for at Eurovision this year

saving the wurst till last

Austria
Following drag queen Conchita Wurst’s sensational victory last year Austria have opted for more traditional Eurovision fare this time around. Singer-songwriter Lena Weber’s melodic ballad ‘Grossvater’ is an affectionate homage to her grandfather who was, Lena tells us, a kindly Tyrolean dairy farmer, loyal family man and former camp commandant at Buchenwald.

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European leaders opt for war rather than face another Song Contest

European leaders have voted unanimously to initiate a global nuclear conflagration in the hope of finally bringing to an end the Eurovision Song Contest.

Toddler rejects her gay mums

A two year-old stamped her feet and threw her dummy to the floor in protest at a Dublin yesterday, after seeing a Mothercare poster depicting a happy nuclear family and realising that she has two mummies and no daddy.

Dagenham’s cultural heritage ‘safe in ISIS hands’

Scholars say that Dagenham’s cultural heritage and priceless artefacts are probably safe should the so-called Islamic State (ISIS) one day take control of the town.

‘It’s a great relief to know that Dagenham won’t suffer the same fate as priceless cultural sites in Iraq,’said a spokesman for UNESCO. ’It would amount to another cultural atrocity. We’re particularly concerned about the fate of the historic public toilets around the market place site.’

Isle of Wight votes to keep same sex bingo

Electoral history has been made on the Isle of Wight, which has voted to keep same sex bingo, the only area in Europe to do so.

‘Our womenfolk have the right to enjoy the tensions and releases associated with the excitement of bingo in a safe women-only environment,’ said Councillor Anne Smith of Ventnor.

Tensions rise as Latvia, Lithuania clash over right to ‘Lexit’


The EU summit in Latvia has descended into acrimony after leaders were unable to agree whose potential exit from the Union would be called what.

The Latvian president Andris Bērziņš refused to accept a demand by his Lithuanian counterpart that if they quit the EU it would be called a Lexit. ‘They’re not even planning to leave,’ Bērziņš complained. ‘I know we aren’t either, but in London they’re planning a Brexit and in Athens a Grexit, so why shouldn’t we also expend lots of pointless hot air about a Lexit here in Riga?’

British porn industry to hold EU mass debate

in Europe, but not dominated by EuropeThe British porn industry has revealed that it will hold its own in-out debate ahead of the EU referendum in 2017. Porn stars are currently split right down the middle, with many, particularly among the women, saying that they could swing either way. With things being so tight, both camps said that they were keen to explain to members the thrust of their position.

One concern for Eurosceptics is the possibility of a back-door deal between David Cameron and Angela Merkel, because of the blowback it might cause. ‘If he pulls out too quickly it could be a total shitstorm for everyone involved,’ said Rod Longstaff.

Militant Christian bakers capture Brighton, destroy historical gay sites

hundreds and thousands on the marchReports are coming in from the southern province of East Sussex that a fundamentalist force of Christian bakers, cake decorators and cream fillers have worked themselves up into an extreme state and seized control of Britain’s ancient gay capital, Brighton, vowing to destroy every remnant of it.

Several sites of special sexual interest have already been bulldozed, including the Pink Moustache gay bar, Glitterballs nightclub and the Pumping Muscle gym – you know, the one that Geoff stopped going to because he kept finding empty lube bottles in the changing room, but now he’s worried he might be an awful bigot just like his dad.

Old woman in bus queue fails to disclose her age

there's nothing grander than a nice day outAn elderly woman in Beaconsfield who spent twenty minutes in a bus queue failed to disclose her age, despite several opportunities. People waiting for the number 39 circular were left stunned when their fellow passenger mounted the bus, having only complained about the weather, the price of digestive biscuits and the youth of today.

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