Having discovered that sleeping patterns impact on performance levels, researchers at the University of Birmingham have now revealed that top athletes perform best when their passage from wakefulness to sleep includes chapters read from Harry Potter, with all the voices ‘done by a grown up’.
By contrast a monotone rendition of ‘The Gruffalo’ without even stopping to look at the pictures can seriously compromise sporting prowess, the researchers revealed; particularly if nobody checks to see if there are monsters under the bed afterwards.
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Robert Anderson of the University of Bradford said. ‘We already teach a lot of what the NVQ will offer. We have a course on video production, so that’s your propaganda and beheading videos taken care of.’
In a move that observers have criticised as mimicking the Natural History Museum, Britain’s other repository of archaic irrelevance, the Houses of Parliament have decided to remove the statue of former Conservative Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher from its position in Central Lobby.
A controversial sequel to the popular Charlie’s Angels movie has been announced this week, with a cast comprising entirely of bearded men from the West Midlands. The unexpected twist on the 2000 blockbuster comes just days after director Paul Feig announced an all-female cast for the reboot of the 1984 classic Ghostbusters, much to the dismay of many dedicated fans.
After 30 years of hard labour at a top investment bank, city worker, Alan Baxter, has finally admitted that he no longer needs to rush on the London Underground. This painful realisation has come at the cost of 3 divorces and child support payments to 4 daughters who like Prada but refuse to acknowledge his existence.
The social media site was disabled from 6am to 7am by cyber warrior group the Lizard Squad. Shares in cupcakes, cute kittens and mild racism immediately plummeted as a panic-stricken world wondered what the hell to do with itself.
The Greek electorate has been celebrating the adoption of a national policy of ‘the cheque being in the post’ by a larger than expected margin in early elections. Winning 36% of votes counted, the Syriza Party was able to promise an end to austerity and a return to ‘hiding’ when someone knocks at the door, ‘ignoring’ letters with red font and being ‘not known at this address’.
Clearly mixed up with some other country with the same name, Greece explained to the European Central Bank (ECB) that: ‘You have the wrong number. No speekee German. And we are in the process of changing banks anyway’, although the International Monetary Fund (IMF) expressed a degree of scepticism that Greece’s accountant would be on holiday the same day that their dog ate their invoice.
Avian rights activists are demanding answers from the government today after the Guardian published tweets from an insider at the RSPB, indicating the shocking extent of directed surveillance against birds. Not content with using undercover agents known as ‘twitchers’, the shadowy protection agency may be involving members of the public, including some who are underage, poorly trained and below minimum wage.
Following the revelation that the blue and gold braided beard on the mask of the pharaoh Tutankhamun had been hurriedly glued back on after it was damaged, archaeologists and museum conservators around the world are checking for other instances of bodged conservation.
Italian conservator Luigi Boninsegna, based at Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, has given assurances that Michelangelo’s Statue of David remains intact, despite one or two female visitors remarking on the disappointing size of his manhood.