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Clinton looking forward to ‘a massive cigar’

might still smoke it out in that quiet little room with no cameras...Former President Bill Clinton has greeted with delight the news that Americans might be allowed to import Cuban cigars legally after President Obama announced plans to normalise relations between the two countries. ‘I have had some enormous cigars in the past,’ he told the Washington Post. ‘As a young man these were totally huge. Many of my friends and colleagues will remember just how big these totally legal large cylindrical male-oriented objects were.’

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NRA pledges to give every African child a gun by 2018

The National Rifle Association has committed itself to alleviating ‘firepower poverty’ in the developing world. ‘There are children who’ll grow up without ever knowing the comfort of holding a warm firearm if we don’t take action now,’ said NRA spokesman Brent Maples.

Password complexity to overtake poetry by 2020

‘Limericks won’t cut it’, said one IT insider. ‘They’re too predictable. Iambic pentameter will shortly be the minimum standard acceptable and even then users will need to show a wide range of metaphor and simile if they’re to defeat GCHQ’s computers.

Students ‘ecstatic’ to be returning to parents’ homes

and booze is even cheaper than in the union barThe nation’s university students are said to be ‘overjoyed’ to have escaped the oppression and abject tedium of government-funded piss-ups and sexual exploration and returned home to the exciting, argument-free households of their parents for the festive season.

‘It’s not as if we don’t love our Uni friends,’ said Joe Mappin, a politics student at Edinburgh, ‘of course we do. But that doesn’t necessarily mean spending time with them is easy. It’s just too difficult to avoid drama when you put your whole friendship group in the same room. They’re at each other’s throats after the slightest comment, rehashing old arguments seemingly just out of boredom. What you want is family. They’re just up for a good, relaxed time.’

Dismay as army football match commemorating Christmas truce match ends in punch-up

It was all going so well until it went to penaltiesA football match between the British and German armies, which was organised to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the famous Christmas truce in the trenches in 1914, has sparked a diplomatic incident after ending in a massive brawl.

The match at British army barracks in Aldershot was played to symbolise the universal camaraderie of men over the horrors of war and was abandoned in the second half after both sets of players traded insults and blows.

Torturers and torture victims to be tortured until they tell truth about torture

truth will out, with a bit of help...After revelations that the CIA used ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ to torture prisoners, it has emerged that British forces may have to be tortured to see if they admit to having taken part in similar practices after 9/11 and during recent Middle East wars. The army believes that, unpalatable though it is, this may be the only way to the truth.

‘If we simply ask them whether they used torture, they will say no. If we ask their prisoners if they were tortured, they will say yes,’ said Brigadier Sir John Smythe. ‘The best solution is to put both guards and prisoners in a big room, re-torture the lot of them and see if either side changes their story. The nightmare scenario is if the soldiers admit to torture and the enemy changes its tune and says they weren’t tortured after all. It’s a tortuous process, so to speak.’

‘Here comes the big aeroplane’ parents given all-clear to resume feeding

still concerns that Mr Choo-Choo could be affected by leavesYoung mothers across Southern England breathed a collective sigh of relief after Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt announced that so-called ‘Here comes the big aeroplane’ spoon-feeding techniques could safely resume. This followed the shutting down of the regional air traffic control system in Hampshire, which caused feeding-time havoc in high-chairs from Penzance to Potters Bar.

Whilst it is understood that pockets of middle-class ‘work from home’ mums in and around Twickenham and Richmond set up visual monitoring systems from their extended lofts in order to continue feeding, the vast majority suspended all feeding when Mumsnet failed to provide explicit advice on what to do next.

Report exposes Transport for London’s daily torture of millions

not even allowed beerThere was fury on the Northern Line this morning as it became apparent that TfL had put pressure on the CIA to redact all reference to their continued use of EIT: Enhanced and Intolerable Transportation. Commuters in the capital have long been subjected to inhumane treatment whilst struggling to reach their destinations during the rush hour. Inmates are routinely crushed in to packed trains and forced to smell the lingering body odours of less sanitary fellow sufferers.

X-Factor panel to be replaced by actual judges

'You didn't own that song. Give it back.'In an effort to combat accusations of bias amongst the celebrity judging panel in the forthcoming high-profile final of the X-Factor, the current panel will be replaced by a more traditional panel of judges.

Taking the place of Louis Walsh will be Lord Chief Justice “Clockwork Duck” Thomas, a QC since 1984 and appointed a high court judge in 1996. Lord Thomas commented ‘It is an honour to be asked to preside over this presigious event, and I have treated to myself to a new gavel which I will use to stop any disruption. I may find the summing-up difficult as I am not a great singer, and may have to mime, but the audience, or as we call it, jury, will get the idea.’

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