“Some say he is every sign of the Zodiac, some say he appeared on the short lived £100 note but what we’re all saying at the moment is that we need to help this man get re-assimilated into regular society,” said a BBC spokeswoman.
News In Brief
A twenty metre bronze sculpture of a pair of English bollocks will be erected in Edinburgh’s George Square a week before the General Election. ‘The Bollocks We’ve Got England By,’ to give the artwork its full title, will show a pair of Union Jack testicles being painfully squeezed by a hand draped in a St Andrews Cross flag.
People who own televisions in Great Britain are really hoping that American TV viewers instantly take to James Cordon, so much so that they selfishly keep him Stateside and refuse to sell any show he’s involved with to any non-US broadcasters.
Pre-pubescent girls around the globe were left reeling from the double disappointment of their two favourite pin-ups leaving to pursue solo projects this week. Zayn and Clarkson have been long time admirers of one another, both wearing ‘mom jeans’ while singing ballads; but neither felt like continuing without the other to inspire him to smoke a joint or punch a work colleague.
Zayn Malik’s publicist released a tersely-worded statement: ‘With Top Gear losing Clarkson, Zayn felt that it was time to call it a day. You can’t be expected to sing five part harmonies about love, if the one you love is no more.’ Likewise Clarkson admitted to close friends that he could never feel the throbbing urgency of a V8 engine without thinking about ‘Zayn’s tushie’.
As investigations into establishment child abuse drag on, members of Parliament’s Double Standards Select Committee have decided that Operation Yewtree’s method of allowing the media to name suspected celebrity paedophiles to help encourage other victims to speak up would be ‘inexcusable’ if it were applied to cases involving Right Honourable sex offenders.
Committee chairman Keith Vaz said the proposed reform was ‘long overdue’ now that the voting public’s focus has largely shifted from common celebrities to the Westminster establishment.
In an attempt to manage public expectation, the Prime Minister has said he will not be swayed into staying in office, regardless of any mass displays of affection. Meanwhile, nonplussed voters assured Mr. Cameron that no such displays had been planned; unless he meant the voodoo doll, abusive graffiti or the barrels of gunpowder stored under the House of Commons.
The living relatives of Richard III, the last English king to perish in battle, are now faced with a bill of over £100,000 from Leicester City Council for a parking space the monarch occupied for well over five hundred years.
A spokesman for the council said: ‘We don’t care who you are; you can’t avoid Hawkeye Parking Enforcement sensors. Given that Richard arrived at the site about half a millennium before we installed the system, we didn’t clock him arriving, but we saw the whole exhumation thing. He’s been down there for ages. We are fully within our rights to issue parking fines retrospectively, even to those with alleged spinal disabilities.’
‘It’s true, we’ve had a bit of support for our Jihad weekend breaks,’ said a Club 18 – 30 spokesman, ‘but to be honest, the reps aren’t happy. The hotels tend to be in a state of disrepair, even before the hen parties trash them, and providing Brits on tour with sidearms is just asking for trouble.’
School children, wearing protective goggles, were yesterday treated to the rare glimpse of Nigel Farage’s face been obscured in tabloid papers by reports of a fraudulent UKIP colleague, Janice Atkinson.
The expenses scandal of the MEP for England’s South East covered most of The Sun, which would normally be seen across the UK, shining out of Rupert Murdoch’s posterior.