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Teachers remembering how much they love teaching

no more detention for at least six weeksAs their second week of holiday looms, ink stains fade and the Prozac leaves their system, most teachers are reminded just how rewarding their job is if only they could phase out their students. As one relaxing classroom assistant commented: ‘It’s not that I hate the children, I ‘m just saying its nice to be without my nervous twitch, sense of impending doom and the irrational desire to adopt the foetal position every time I see hear a school bell’.

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Prince George rules Lego world with an iron fist

The Queen and senior members of the Royal Family have spoken of their ‘delight’ today after an official video showed one-year-old Prince George ruling his Lego kingdom with an authoritarian zeal unseen since the early Stuart period.

Claims Direct appointed to solve Gaza crisis

‘This could be the peace breakthrough everyone has been waiting for,’ said one UN observer. With an arm injury netting up to £191,500 for the injured party, the hope is that just the presence of the Claims Direct injury experts in the area will have a highly sobering effect on anyone prepared to lob missiles, grenades or rude and hurtful insults over the fence at their neighbours.

US death row prisoners developing resistance to execution

indignitasThe penal system in the US could soon be ‘cast back into the dark ages’ unless action is taken to tackle the growing threat of resistance to execution, experts have said.

In a preliminary report from the US Government, there are clear signs that death row prisoners are developing increasing resistance to methods of execution that used to overcome inmates in a matter of minutes.

Report author, Professor Herbert J Scheckter said: “it used to be that traditional methods such as the electric chair or lethal injections would bring an end pretty quickly. Increasingly though we keep seeing prisoners that last longer and longer. Sooner or later we believe there will be prisoners that are immune to current methods of execution”.

Israel shuns peace deal in favour of a good PR firm

Mr Happy Tank wants you to come out and playThe Israeli Knesset has rejected the Gaza peace proposal put forward by US Secretary of State, John Kerry, in favour of a modest 12-hour truce – purposely designed to be long enough for Israeli soldiers to get a good night’s sleep, identify new targets and reload their missiles. A spokesman for Prime Minister Netanyahu has made it clear that what is really needed is a ‘…tabulated program of action to earn public understanding and acceptance’ codenamed ‘Turd Polish’.

US to introduce border height restrictions

US border guards having to look harder to find themIn order to combat the flood of unaccompanied children through its southern states, the US is planning to implement a scheme which bans anyone who still watches ‘Sesame street’, needs help tying their shoe laces or still believes in the tooth fairy. While some fear this might unfairly target Republican nominee Rick Perry, most agree to the rewording of the Statue of Liberty: ‘Give me your tired, your poor…but no one under four foot eight’.

Television news switched off in favour of barbecue

Something simply had to be doneBritish television viewers have decided to abandon their TV sets this weekend, thereby missing the important new stories of plane crashes, Gaza and the imminent outbreak of World War Three. Instead they are going to concentrate on getting the barbecue working and drinking Pimms in the back garden.

‘It seems like the right thing to do’ said Lily from Clapham, south London. ‘There are lots of people worrying about the state of the world right now, and I think the best contribution we can make is to have too much to drink on the patio and eat a lot of barbecued chicken wings. If we can get a bit of a sun tan at the same time then so much the better.’

Metropolitan Police admit to ‘investigating crime’

Met to get back to good old-fashioned snooping, discreditingAt a press conference, Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-O’Hooligan confirmed mounting speculation that police were increasingly targeting known and suspected criminals, but was eager to put the practice into context. ‘I am in no way condoning what has happened, but it is worth pointing out that this was just a few bad apples acting alone and without authorisation. It is now firmly in the past, and moving forward I will ensure every officer upholds the highest standards of the Metropolitan Police by focusing their investigative resources solely on spying on and discrediting those people who seek to establish the truth about cases in which the Met is involved.’

Barry Hearn to spice up office jobs with entrance music and dancing girls

Who'd have thought something so dull could be made that interesting?A Bedford-based logistics company is working with renowned sports promoter Barry Hearn, in an attempt to make their office jobs more popular with the addition of loud music, rowdy live audiences and dancing girls.

The move was the idea of Managing Director Alan ‘The Big Boss’ Ball, who thinks Hearn’s track record of making a huge success of darts, and revolutionising snooker, makes him the ideal partner for his business.

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