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‘Extreme poverty’ unlikely to become an Olympic Sport‏

While five new sports, including ‘Sepp Blatter Accounting’, are set to be added to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, impoverished activities like ‘ultra-privation’ or ‘uber-penury’ are unlikely to make the cut.  In fact, according to the World Bank, participation in ‘extreme poverty’ has fallen below 10%, putting it on par with English rugby as ‘something no one wants to be part of’.

Ministers, having investing a lot of time in not investing in welfare, had hoped a cut to tax credits might inspire a generation of disenfranchised athletes.  However, using the poverty income figure of $1.90 per day, very few Premiership footballers fall into that category.

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NASA fake water on Mars to help Matt Damon‏

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Holiday couple found emaciated after failure to conclude restaurant deliberation

Brian and Vanessa Thompson were rushed to hospital last night after being discovered in their hotel looking like heroin-addled zombies. Husband and wife had been trying to reach a dining compromise since the first night of their summer holiday in Corfu.

Council scheme receives ‘overwhelming public support’ for the 1000th time this year

The latest initiative to determine the usage of ‘scheme descriptors’ as being true and correct, received 100% support from the people the city’s councillors serve. The Conservative run council spent up to half of it’s yearly budget sending out 500,000 word surveys to the residents asking them if they accepted that its (the council’s) definition of ‘overwhelming’, ‘public’ and ‘support’ was correct at all times.

Cameron urged not to push red button ‘before bake off final’

Presidents Obama and Putin have both phoned David Cameron pleading with him to show restraint during a period of worsening international relations and ‘bugger-all’ to watch on TV. However a spokesman for the Prime Minister was in bullish mood, threatening: ‘To wipe Paul Hollywoods’ smug smile off the face of the planet, with two tonnes of weapon grade plutonium and re-runs of Dad’s Army.’

Not wishing to be seen as a weak with regards threats to national security and BBC programming, Mr. Cameron is fully prepared to use Trident at the merest hint of a Mel & Sue double entendre.

City farm announces bumper tramp harvest

As the late September sun dips over Canary Wharf, urban farm manager Kevin Neville has been taking stock of the busy harvest that has left the barns overflowing and paused for a moment to reflect on what a difference a year can make.

Twelve months ago, the farm was on the verge of financial ruin. Crops were regularly failing, livestock was traumatised to the point of paralysis by inner city life, staff attrition at an all-time high and public support was at an all-time low.

Ed Miliband returns from meditation retreat with powers of mind over matter

After spending the last three months in the wilderness of Nepal, Ed Miliband has returned and announced, at a packed press conference, that he now has full mastery of 100% of his mind and the ability to control remote objects by thought alone.

‘We do not have to accept the world as we find it. And we have a responsibility to leave our world a better place and never walk by once we release the full power of our minds,’ he stated. To rapturous applause he then levitated a plastic cup of water with his mind energy alone before gently setting it back down on the table.

Isle of Wight in shock at school paintball rampage

For the second time in barely 20 years, the Isle of Wight is said to be a state of shock after a student went on a rampage with a paintball gun in his school. In what was believed to be a generationally motivated attack, 15-year old Tristan Horner, a student from St Saviour’s Academy in Sandown, moved from classroom to classroom asking students their age before shooting anyone in their prime. Calls are already being made for stronger restrictions on paintballing guns.

It has been alleged that Horner, a loner who disdained the cream teas and Scout camps beloved of his generation on the Isle, specifically targeted those two to four years younger than him, who he described on Twitter is ‘well annoying’, plus assorted others he regarded as ‘total gaylords’.

Corbyn’s younger brother Ed ‘still waiting for the call’

Ed Corbyn, younger brother of the new Labour leader Jeremy, has told reporters he is ‘sitting by the phone’ in case anything untoward befalls his elder sibling.

‘I know things have all pretty much settled down now, but I just want to make sure everybody has my number,’ he said at a sparsely-attended press call on the fringe of the Labour conference in Brighton. ‘You know, I’m here any time, just say the word. The word being “challenge”, of course,’ he added, winking.

Young Kalahari bushmen embarrassed by ‘Dad rain dancing’

For centuries, the Kung bushmen from the deserts of southern Namibia have known what to do if a drought threatened their crops: dance in clockwise circles while improvising harmonic chants on a flat place at the edge of the village to implore the sky gods for rain. Now, unfortunately they are facing both mortification and hunger as an older generation of men with two left feet try to join in.

‘It really is excruciating,’ 19-year-old goat herdsman Mpumpomelo Nujoma told an anthropologist. ‘These 40-something old fools just sit around doing nothing much all year, then when we need rain, there they are shuffling about out of synch, deluding themselves that they are impressing the village girls and the spirits of our ancestors. And considering we live our entire lives stark naked, it just isn’t going to happen, is it?’

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