Environment Secretary Owen Paterson has announced a widespread rewriting of all literary works that contain favourable references to badgers in an attempt to persuade the public that badgers should be shot after all.
‘I’m sure most people are only against the badger cull because they’ve been brainwashed into thinking they’re nice, cuddly, friendly creatures’ he explained. ‘If they’d been taught instead that they’re right bastards I’m sure no-one would mind a load of them getting shot – they’d probably even be lining up for a go themselves.’
News In Brief
Images of a new range of ‘surreal’ judicial wigs, whose purpose is to ‘terrify and intimidate’ suspects appearing before secret courts, has been leaked to the press.
The Home Office would neither confirm nor deny the wigs’ existence, but sources inside the Ministry of Justice said the wigs were aimed at creating a ‘sinister, nightmarish and deeply unfashionable’ atmosphere inside the hush-hush courts.
In a move expected to be marginally less unpopular and unworkable than most of his other ideas, Michael Gove has announced that from 2014 UK schools will revert to teaching in Roman numerals.
The idea is the brainchild of a conservative think tank charged by the Education Secretary with charting the causes of the drastic decline in school standards in Britain since the withdrawal of the Roman Empire in 410 AD.
One elderly, multi-billionaire Australian tourist was particularly embarrassed to have his dirty underwear on display while suspended 25m above the ground, strapped to the Peeping Heights Ferris Wheel.
Theologians and people of all faiths were united in religious ecstasy at the confirmation that a child of God had been born in a simple, wooden Los Angeles hospital. As predicted (and thanks to Twitter) the event was known instantaneously and worldwide – “for as the lightning comes from the East and flashes to the West, so will a Reality TV star be born of the West” [Matthew 24:27].
Academics were somewhat surprised that the prophecies had not mentioned that the gender of the child would be female, but they were satisfied that her earthly parents were both a humble man and a virgin bride. Post-birth Kim Kardashian has accepted gifts of gold, myrrh and a year’s subscription to ‘Heat’ magazine.
After a funding review, the Government today announced plans for Prince Charles to be scrapped by 2017, and in addition, for Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex, to be ‘mothballed’ for a decade, or longer.
Critics have labeled the move as ‘dangerous’ and ‘reckless’, pointing out that aside from the Queen, it leaves only two senior Royals, William and Harry, operational at any one time. With Harry often on duty on the front-ish line in Afghanistan, this will leave Britain dangerously exposed at garden parties, museum openings, and other ceremonial occasions.
The announcement that Tony Robinson, or Baldrick as he is better known, is to be made a knight of the realm in the Queen’s Birthday Honours list was met with a single raised eyebrow by Rowan Blackadder who, as part of a cunning plan, accepted only a CBE in an attempt to conceal his ambitions within the court of ‘Queenie’ Lizabeth II.
Sir Baldrick as he will be known, accepted the honour only on the condition that his favourite turnip, dug up from a field in Nantwich during a Time Team special, would be made a Dame and provided with a year’s supply of pies from Mrs Miggins’ shop.
With full support from his advisors in his boardroom, Stephen Hester, or King Tut Tut the Third of RBS, has decreed that 2,000 former servants from the bank’s investment arm be slaughtered and buried alongside him in a specially designed pyramid, with a wall separating them from his own tomb, his severance pay and benefits worth £1.6m, another £4m in shares and what’s left over from all those other bonuses.
Tim Nolan, stationery sales executive from Windsor and passenger on board flight BA16 to Madrid became an unlikely hero yesterday as he successfully wrestled with the controls of the stricken plane after both the Captain and First officer were taken sick during the flight.