The small Dorset village of Fromley has been thrown into turmoil in recent weeks after a local plumber carried out a series of small jobs in a punctual, efficient and inexpensive manner. Many villagers have been left confused and are struggling to come to terms with the situation.
Margaret Taylor, a 38-year-old Fromley housewife was the first to notice that something was amiss three weeks ago. ‘Our downstairs toilet wasn’t flushing properly so I called a plumber called Kevin Hobbs I’d found in the Yellow Pages and he said he’d be round the next morning at 8,’ she said.
News In Brief
Balls maintains he was in was in Calais at the time in question, purchasing large quantities of wine and cigarettes in order to claim back in expenses at the UK value. Should he be convicted of the crime, it is likely he will face a public tea-bagging by anyone who was affected by the tragedy.
God has declared that He doesn’t believe in the existence of David Cameron, because He has personally seen no evidence of the party leader or his work, although He respects people comforted by a belief in Cameron
Multi-award winning novelist and screenwriter Kieran Henderson, who last year became the first author to win an Oscar for writing the screenplay to his own Booker-winning novel, has shocked the literary establishment by announcing that he is to put his pen away in order to create spreadsheets and do appraisals for people he hates.
Henderson is said to have worked on his writing for sixteen hours a day for nearly three decades before attaining his widely acknowledged status as the outstanding British writer of his generation. Though puzzling to many, Henderson has revealed that his decision to give up the day job for a day job was inspired by the plethora of interactive television talent shows.
Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who was recently sentenced to a year’s community service for tax fraud, has found work inseminating a giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, following failed attempts to mate her with a male panda. The zoo and the 77-year-old billionaire’s lawyers said that they were satisfied that the ruling was a win-win, allowing him to remain both politically and sexually active.
‘Tian Tian’s hormone levels had been falling drastically and at first she spurned his advances, but this didn’t deter Mr Berlusconi in the least,’ said Charles Osborne, director of breeding at Edinburgh. ‘He used all his experience and charm to woo her successfully and, fingers crossed, we hope to be able to announce shortly that she is expecting, er, something.’
A study of young parents has revealed that new fathers are unable to relate to their children without a shared knowledge of the Star Wars universe, with many refusing to take part in their upbringing until they have at least a basic understanding of ‘The Force’. Furthermore, parental bonds have been harmed over disagreements regarding the validity of the prequels and inclusion of Jar Jar Binx within the saga.
Fathers have been accused by women’s groups of putting their own nostalgia for the popular movie series before their responsibilities as a parent. In response, Fathers for Justice have taken to public buildings dressed as Batman, Spiderman and various other Marvel and DC characters to demonstrate the many other franchises they are willing to embrace.
Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.
Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.
London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst. Though its existence is disputed by some, existential angst is a debilitating condition that strikes men in their mid-to-late forties.
Sufferers report a variety of symptoms ranging from chronic self-absorption to horror at the futility of existence. Until recently Mortimer had worked as an IT specialist, but was fired from his position after discovering that existential angst is not an acceptable reason to call in sick.
As UK primary schools announce their allocated places, aspiring parents have been forced to make some tough decisions between living with the shame of an infant in an average OFSTED institution or to ‘cut their losses and run’.
Social services have observed a spiked increase in the number of Jacobs and Jemimas left outside orphanages with nothing but a small bowl of couscous, a Boden catalogue and a £20 M&S voucher.