It’s the bout everyone’s been waiting for: Ebola ‘The Kidney Musher’ versus Britain’s very own home-grown virus MRSA ‘The Superbug’. The two contenders are to meet in 16 days’ time at Mid Staffordshire Hospital or whatever it’s called by then, to fight for the undisputed title of the world’s baddest virus. And, predictably, the macho boasting has begun already.
‘Ebola’s going down,’ said MRSA’s promoter Mickey ‘The Regional Health Contractor’ Fillery. ‘The NHS won’t suit it. By the time we’ve finished with it, Ebola won’t even know what its host species is.’ However, Ebola said that it had ‘plenty of ways of getting inside your defences. You’re going to need more than a doctor after what Ebola does to you, people of Britain’.
News In Brief
Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has hailed the outsourcing of Britain’s air defence to Ryanair as generally successful, because the government no longer has to provide uniforms. Some had criticised the Ryan Air Force’s use of Airbus aircraft for interceptor roles as they can carry more crew, at the usual mark-up.
Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, creators of the science entertainment TV show MythBusters, have responded to repeated criticism that they are just overgrown kids playing with toys by investigating more grown-up topics, starting with the sticky topic of whether onanism affects eyesight.
A butterfly from the Black Country has angrily denied being the cause of Hurricane Gonzalo, the tail end of which battered much of the UK this week. This all came after meteorologists, using cutting edge computer modelling, traced the origins of the hurricane back to the single flap of a butterfly’s wings three weeks last Tuesday in a field outside Walsall.
‘It was mental,’ said Red Admiral Roger Bould. ‘I was just fluttering about, as you do, when these boffins turn up and say that I set off a chain of events that caused devastation from Bermuda to Grimsby. Next thing I know, Sky News are reversing their outside broadcast lorries into the field and I’m being accused of everything from hurricanes and typhoons to the next James Blunt album. What am I meant to do, sit watching Channel 4 racing all afternoon and not flapping my wings just in case things go abdomen-up in Australia?’
According to unofficial reports, most of Derbyshire was destroyed by fire yesterday following an incident in the grounds of Pemberley House, near Lambton. It appears that the owner, Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, a handsome gentleman with a fortune of £9,000 per year began to brood out of control when taking a turn in the gardens with Miss Elizabeth Bennett, the demure yet witty daughter of an impoverished local parson.
‘With hindsight, Mr Darcy was an accident waiting to happen,’ said Commander Ray Walker of the Peak District Fire Brigade. ‘Such was the ardour of his unspoken passion that his breeches had spontaneously combusted several times before. Apparently this once forced him to dive into a lake in the grounds. Several young ladies who witnessed him climb out were later found reduced to ashes and damp petticoats.’
David Cameron has announced plans to curb the flood of European migrant workers, specifically mythological 4th-century Greek bishops, from invading our homes. The Prime Minister has promised to apply an ‘emergency brake’ on rotund present-givers who have been sneaking across our borders with the aid of a magical flying sleigh and a blithe disregard for passport control.
A Home Office spokeswoman said: ‘We need to beware of Greeks bearing gifts – or pretty much anyone from Eastern Europe – smelling of mince pies. We can’t just have quasi-mystical figures coming over here, parking their clapped-out reindeer wherever they want, stealing our low-wage jobs – jobs which could easily be filled by a British Druid or Boggart – and blackmailing hard-working British families into plying them with sherry.’
Former Home Secretary Johnson Alan Johnson revealed today that the spectral, black-eyed ‘lost soul’ seen haunting the corridors of the Palace of Westminster over the last few months is, in fact, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband.
‘Increasing sightings of this tragic apparition meandering through Westminster, engaging in animated conversations with portraits of Prime Ministers on the walls, had sparked much speculation that the poor creature is searching for something,’ said Johnson. ‘A policy – or a miracle, probably.’
‘What we’re seeing is errors, cock-ups really,’ said Hunt. ‘And they’re costing the NHS billions. We contemplated a poster campaign saying something like ‘Stop Making Mistakes, You Muppets’, but then somebody pointed out that posters with patronising messages would just make people hate me even more. And what good did a poster ever do, really? It’s a stupid idea. Probably one of Andrew Lansley’s, actually.
‘Taking people’s emotional baggage on board is nerve-rackingly unpredictable,’ says handler Vic Smythe. ‘That’s why this strike is justified. Although a lot of us are terrified of the outcome. Terrified I tell you!’
Mr Smythe has been in the job five years. He explains: ‘This is a job that requires you to be genuinely sensitive to people, not like nursing, social work or being minister for disabled people. A new Samsonite his ‘n hers means a honeymoon, and your heart just melts.’