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Other stories by Gary Stanton

London marathon runner raises £1m for existential angst charity

'will all these happy people please go away'London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst. Though its existence is disputed by some, existential angst is a debilitating condition that strikes men in their mid-to-late forties.

Sufferers report a variety of symptoms ranging from chronic self-absorption to horror at the futility of existence. Until recently Mortimer had worked as an IT specialist, but was fired from his position after discovering that existential angst is not an acceptable reason to call in sick.

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Posted: Apr 17th, 2014
More from Sport



Gary Stanton

Bob Crow brings heaven out on strike

in the interests of my members...Heaven is staging a series of 24-hour stoppages after new arrival Bob Crow balloted angels over terms and conditions.

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Posted: Mar 12th, 2014
More from Faith, Politics



Gary Stanton

Flat-screen television sets ‘destroying our natural habitat’ claim poltergeists

People intending to purchase a fancy new plasma screen should take a long hard look at themselves if they care in the slightest about having their family terrorised by a malevolent being, warned poltergeists.

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Posted: Feb 25th, 2014
More from From The Archives



Gary Stanton

‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan found not guilty of shooting unarmed civilians

did he violate six statutes, or only five?In a controversial ruling, no-nonsense cop ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan walked free from a federal court yesterday after a jury acquitted him of the ‘targeted hits’ of lowlife, good-for-nothing punks.

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Posted: Jan 20th, 2014
More from UK News



Gary Stanton

England players to receive win bonus of 40 Benson & Hedges

England’s highly paid international smokers are set to pocket 40 free ciggies if they can overcome the minnows of Montenegro later today. Manager Roy Hodgson gave the go ahead for the controversial bonus despite Joe Hart blaming his recent dip in form on passive smoking in the England dressing room.

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Posted: Oct 11th, 2013
More from News In Brief