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Other stories by Jesus H

Des Lynam ‘the only man left you can trust’, confirm Yewtree investigators

shouldn't you be at work?Officers investigating allegations of sexual abuse by notable figures from the 60s and 70s have concluded today that, the only man currently alive that’s ‘completely trustworthy’, is veteran TV and radio presenter, Des Lynam.

‘We investigated Des thoroughly, and amazingly, we found zilch’, said one anonymous Yewtree investigator today. ‘We rummaged through his bins, hacked into his computer and interrogated him in a hot room for six days straight, but the guy’s clean. We didn’t even find any evidence of any suspiciously long hugs. We’re now able to confirm that Des Lynam is currently the only celebrity over sixty still at liberty to appear on TV not wearing a pair of handcuffs with a jacket pulled over his head’.

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Posted: Jun 24th, 2014
More from UK News



Jesus H

Wimbledon introduce ‘Vanishing Foam’ to keep crowds a safe distance from Sir Cliff Richard

Inspired by the World Cup in Brazil, officials at Wimbledon have announced that they will now be able to keep tennis fans heading to SW19 this week a ‘safe distance’ from entertainer and Centre Court regular Sir Cliff Richard, using ‘vanishing foam’.

The magic foam, currently in use by referees at this year’s World Cup, acts as a temporary visual marker to keep a defending wall a fair distance from a free-kick taker. Bosses at Wimbledon have said the spray is the ‘perfect solution’ to their problems of keeping Cliff Richard away from unsuspecting crowds.

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Posted: Jun 22nd, 2014
More from Sport



Jesus H

Uruguay training camp infiltrated by Phil Neville

The Uruguay football team has lodged a serious complaint with FIFA officials today, claiming their private hotel quarters and training ground has been infiltrated by retired footballer turned co-commentator, Phil Neville, in what’s being described as a ‘deliberate and desperate act by the English’.

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Posted: Jun 18th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Jesus H

BBC asks Google to ‘forget the 1970s’

Bosses at the BBC have instructed the tech team at Google to ‘completely forget everything that happened in the 1970s’, after the Internet search giant launched a service to allow Europeans to ask for information and personal data to be removed from online search results.

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Posted: May 31st, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment



Jesus H

‘I hate all foreigners and will go for a pint with everyone’, shouts Clegg

In a remarkable shift in opinion, Deputy PM Nick Clegg has renounced his stance against the UK leaving Europe, declaring openly that he ‘dislikes all foreigners’, and will happily go for a pint with everyone, ‘providing the ale is British’.

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Posted: May 27th, 2014
More from News In Brief