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Other stories by Long Distance Clara

Pope planning ‘massive’ leaving do

God still asleep, not comingPlans are said to be well underway at the Vatican to mark the departure today of Pope Benedict XVI with what Cardinals are excitedly describing as ‘an almighty piss-up’.

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Posted: Feb 10th, 2014
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Long Distance Clara

One dead, two pregnant, five sacked in ‘best ever office Christmas party’

stationery cupboard fuller than everOffice Supplies firm’s Christmas party topped their previous record for fatalities, colleague impregnation and on-the-spot dismissals.

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Posted: Dec 17th, 2013
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Long Distance Clara

England cricketers apologise for pissing all over the Aussies

The English cricket team has today issued an apology for the manner of their comprehensive 3-0 Ashes victory over the Australians.

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Posted: Aug 28th, 2013
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Long Distance Clara

Assad condemns fitness levels after ‘sudden outbreak of asthma’ among Syrians

a massive bombardment of salbutamol should sort itSyrian President Bashar al-Assad has told the world’s media that he ‘will not rest’ until residents of Damascus commit to the sort of physical exercise regime that would prevent them succumbing to the sudden bouts of asthma captured on news footage last week.

‘I am sure the whole world will join me in condemning the irresponsible lifestyle choices of my subjects,’ said President Assad today. ‘Gasping for breath, clawing at your face, even suddenly falling down and dying – any doctor will tell you that this is the fate that befalls you if you don’t partake in regular aerobic exercise. It is a sobering lesson for Syria, but we will learn from it and move on.’

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Posted: Aug 27th, 2013
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Long Distance Clara

Wayne Rooney told to choose between hair loss treatments

Unsettled Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has been told that he needs to end speculation about his future and decide once-and-for-all which hair loss product he wishes to be associated with.

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Posted: Aug 27th, 2013
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