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Other stories by Long Distance Clara

Wayne Rooney told to choose between hair loss treatments

Unsettled Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has been told that he needs to end speculation about his future and decide once-and-for-all which hair loss product he wishes to be associated with.

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Posted: Aug 27th, 2013
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Long Distance Clara

European flooding latest: God tells Nigel Farage to build ark

2 by 2 policy 'under review'UKIP leader Nigel Farage today revealed that he has been instructed by God to build an ark in order to protect sane, anti-European thinkers like himself from the rising flood waters which God has sent to central Europe as a punishment for the incompetence and bureaucracy of the European Union…

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Posted: Jun 3rd, 2013
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Long Distance Clara

MasterChef won by dish of twice-heated beans served on a bed of lightly-toasted bread and dressed in a rich tomato jus

'It doesn't get any better than that!'The BBC’s MasterChef competition has been won by a contestant successfully pulling off his elaborate signature dish of reheated baked beans drizzled over a bed of lightly toasted shop-bought Mighty White and served in a thick tomato sauce.

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Posted: May 5th, 2013
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Long Distance Clara

Ronnie O’Sullivan retires, un-retires, retires again during mid-session interval

Enigmatic reigning World Snooker Champion, Ronnie O’Sullivan, today retired, changed his mind and then reverted to his original decision again during the 10-minute break between sessions in his quarter final match at the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield.

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Posted: May 1st, 2013
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Long Distance Clara

After 23 years, Phil Mitchell finally clears throat

More than 20 years after his first appearance on long-running soap opera EastEnders, the popular character of Phil Mitchell has at last got round to clearing his throat, suddenly enabling him to talk like a normal person.

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Posted: Feb 17th, 2013
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