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FIFA rules Luis Suárez must be fed before matches

'om nom nom', as they say in UruguayAfter reviewing footage of Tuesday’s incident in which Luis Suárez appeared to help himself to a chunk of Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini, Fifa has instructed the Uruguay striker’s handlers to ensure that he is ‘fed prior to all future matches’.

‘Ninety minutes is a long time to go without a snack, so it’s understandable that Luis began to feel a little peckish’, said FIFA’s head chef, Sepp Blatter. ‘Yet no matter how tasty an Italy defender may appear to a famished striker, we really must insist that he lunches before, rather than during, competitive fixtures.’

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Posted: Jun 25th, 2014
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Long Distance Clara

Notorious criminal boss elects ‘not to accept bonus this year’

lying low until bribery comes back into fashion‘Ordinarily I would be proud to be the target of such accusations, but I think we accept that as an organisation we have underperformed and let people down’.

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Posted: Jun 24th, 2014
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Long Distance Clara

MasterChef won by dish of twice-heated beans served on a bed of lightly-toasted bread and dressed in a rich tomato jus

'It doesn't get any better than that!'The BBC’s MasterChef competition has been won by a contestant successfully pulling off his elaborate signature dish of reheated baked beans drizzled over a bed of lightly toasted shop-bought Mighty White and served in a thick tomato sauce.

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Posted: May 4th, 2014
More from From The Archives, Lifestyle



Long Distance Clara

Children of sperm donors ‘deserve right to know who father was fantasising about’

any thoughts about the Andrex puppy can be disregardedCampaigners have today called for the offspring of sperm donors to be given the legal right to learn the identity of the person their biological father was mentally getting jiggy with when he donated his DNA.

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Posted: Feb 22nd, 2014
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Long Distance Clara

Pope planning ‘massive’ leaving do

God still asleep, not comingPlans are said to be well underway at the Vatican to mark the departure today of Pope Benedict XVI with what Cardinals are excitedly describing as ‘an almighty piss-up’.

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Posted: Feb 10th, 2014
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