NewsBiscuit

Guests at the party of three-year-old Isabel Rose Alexander, daughter of Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander, were up in arms yesterday after a raft of emergency budgetary measures were announced hours before the event.

‘I suppose none of us were really surprised when he announced that half the guest list had been cut,’ said Alison Mason, whose daughter Lily was allowed to remain at the party on the condition she increased her My Little Pony present by 2.5 per cent. ‘But we all felt it was a bit rich when he defended it by saying that he was only combating the previous party’s legacy of excess. Maisy Thompson only had a face-painter for Christ’s sake.’

Read more >

Posted: Jul 11th, 2010
More from Politics

News that vuvuzelas and other musical instruments are to be permitted at this year’s Wimbledon has been greeted enthusiastically by tennis fans as they prepare for the tournament next week. ‘Whilst Wimbledon has always maintained a quiet air of English dignity, it’s fair to say that hitherto the games have lacked a certain atmosphere,’ said Derek Howorth, president of the Lawn Tennis Association. ‘But we are confident that players and fans alike will delight in the addition of the South African horns to the spectator stands, playing such rousing anthems as The Great Escape, Self-Preservation Society and Haydn’s Trumpet Concerto in E flat major.’

Read more >

Posted: Jun 17th, 2010
More from Sport

The leader of the British National Party was forced to make a grovelling apology to his party faithful yesterday after an offhand remark extolling the virtues of multi-culturalism in the privacy of his car was inadvertently broadcast to surrounding media. ‘Nick had just been addressing a conference of white van men when he was approached by a local Muslim gentleman, trying to engage Mr Griffin in a debate about the BNP’s stance on Islamic immigration,’ said Griffin’s closest aide, B Manning. ‘The cameras were rolling, so naturally Nick spewed forth about the colonisation of Britain by Islamic extremists.

‘But not realising that his mic was still live, once he was in the assumed privacy of his car, he started waxing lyrical about the need for intelligent debate on immigration, what a great shame it was that a whole faith was tarred by the actions of an extreme minority and how fetching he thought Mrs Griffin would look in a burka.’

Read more >

Posted: Apr 29th, 2010
More from Politics

A previously obscure Icelandic volcano has benefited from an enormous swell in public recognition after appearing on national television last week with opinion polls now showing that it is almost as popular as Vesuvius.

Read more >

Posted: Apr 20th, 2010
More from News In Brief

A group of socially awkward schoolchildren was disappointed today after discovering that pooling their hitherto secret singing and dancing talents into a performing arts group was insufficient to prevent the ‘right kicking’ that awaits them in school on a daily basis. ‘We hoped that by expressing ourselves through the medium of song, we could prove our worth to a cynical and unkind social hierarchy,’ said Jay ‘big fat gayer who’s so gay even gayers think he’s too gay’ Smith. ‘But our efforts thus far seem only to have reinforced the notion that we are a group of ‘spacks’, ‘lezzers’ and ‘binners’, although we have noted that our aggressors often hum our signature version of Toto’s ‘Africa’ while beating the crap out of us.’

Read more >

Posted: Apr 18th, 2010
More from Arts/Entertainment