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Other stories by Mary Evans

Tennis fans welcome vuvuzelas at Wimbledon

suitable replacement finally found for 'Come on Tim!'‘Players and fans alike will delight in the addition of the South African horns to the spectator stands, playing such rousing anthems as The Great Escape, Self-Preservation Society and Haydn’s Trumpet Concerto in E flat major.’

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Posted: Jun 17th, 2010
More from Sport



Mary Evans

Nick Griffin in humiliating climbdown as mic broadcasts ‘moderate Muslim’ gaffe

'should be ashamed of himself,' say party membersThe leader of the British National Party was forced to make a grovelling apology to his party faithful yesterday after an offhand remark extolling the virtues of multi-culturalism in the privacy of his car was inadvertently broadcast to surrounding media. ‘Nick had just been addressing a conference of white van men when he was approached by a local Muslim gentleman, trying to engage Mr Griffin in a debate about the BNP’s stance on Islamic immigration,’ said Griffin’s closest aide, B Manning. ‘The cameras were rolling, so naturally Nick spewed forth about the colonisation of Britain by Islamic extremists.

‘But not realising that his mic was still live, once he was in the assumed privacy of his car, he started waxing lyrical about the need for intelligent debate on immigration, what a great shame it was that a whole faith was tarred by the actions of an extreme minority and how fetching he thought Mrs Griffin would look in a burka.’

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Posted: Apr 29th, 2010
More from Politics



Mary Evans

Eyjafjallajokull public profile massively boosted by TV appearance

A previously obscure Icelandic volcano has benefited from an enormous swell in public recognition after appearing on national television last week with opinion polls now showing that it is almost as popular as Vesuvius.

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Posted: Apr 20th, 2010
More from News In Brief



Mary Evans

School misfits form Glee club, still get shit kicked out of them

A group of socially awkward schoolchildren was disappointed today after discovering that pooling their hitherto secret singing and dancing talents into a performing arts group was insufficient to prevent the ‘right kicking’ that awaits them in school on a daily basis. ‘We hoped that by expressing ourselves through the medium of song, we could prove our worth to a cynical and unkind social hierarchy,’ said Jay ‘big fat gayer who’s so gay even gayers think he’s too gay’ Smith. ‘But our efforts thus far seem only to have reinforced the notion that we are a group of ‘spacks’, ‘lezzers’ and ‘binners’, although we have noted that our aggressors often hum our signature version of Toto’s ‘Africa’ while beating the crap out of us.’

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2010
More from Arts/Entertainment



Mary Evans

Mumsnet to decide general election

In a campaigning season that has been widely hailed as the ‘Mumsnet Election’, it was announced today that the result of May’s general election will now be entirely determined by the contributors to the popular parental chat room. ‘These people never shy away from the difficult issues, be it Europe, the economy, or how you get a recalcitrant toddler to poo on the potty,’ said HRH Queen Elizabeth II, who agrees with the vehemence of feeling on the website against Petit Filous. ‘So who better to decide who runs the country? It’s not like we can leave it to just anyone. And they were so helpful when one asked ‘How do I tell my middle-aged son he’s never getting my job?’

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2010
More from Politics