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Footballers whose transfers fell through pledge loyalty to current clubs

In a statement jointly issued on behalf of the players they represent, football agents have asked managers, chairmen and fans to celebrate the loyalty shown by those who didn’t manage to finalise a lucrative move away from their clubs during the transfer window.

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Posted: Sep 4th, 2013
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Midfield Diamond

Internet speed ‘slugged’ in West Country to match slow pace of life

In response to customer requests, a Super-Slow Broadband internet service is being rolled out in Somerset, Devon and Cornwall. The advanced technology system recognises the speed at which the local population get things done and adapts response times accordingly.

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Posted: Jul 23rd, 2013
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Midfield Diamond

Next Man United boss decided ‘Apprentice-style’

time's upThe successor to Sralex Ferguson as the manager of Manchester United has been chosen via a series of elimination tests, resulting in many hopeful managers losing any chance of ever enjoying ‘the big time’. Throughout the season, a large number of eager applicants with ridiculously over-inflated opinions of their abilities have been trialled but have failed spectacularly, and been summarily dismissed with the chilling words: ‘You’re fired’.

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Posted: May 9th, 2013
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Midfield Diamond

‘Lager Tourettes’ formally recognised by British Medical Council

The temporary affliction suffered by lager drinkers across the country which causes their language to deteriorate rapidly during a pub session has been officially designated as a medical condition to be known as ‘Lager Tourettes’.

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Posted: Apr 5th, 2013
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Midfield Diamond

Nothing wrong with fascist principles, claims Referees’ Association

Paolo di Canio has received support from an unexpected source, the national Referees’ Association, which has issued a statement praising the ideology of radical authoritarianism, but only on match days.

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Posted: Apr 5th, 2013
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