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Derbyshire destroyed as romantic hero smoulders that little bit too much

'George Clooney, and now this!' bemoan spinstersAccording to unofficial reports, most of Derbyshire was destroyed by fire yesterday following an incident in the grounds of Pemberley House, near Lambton. It appears that the owner, Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, a handsome gentleman with a fortune of £9,000 per year began to brood out of control when taking a turn in the gardens with Miss Elizabeth Bennett, the demure yet witty daughter of an impoverished local parson.

‘With hindsight, Mr Darcy was an accident waiting to happen,’ said Commander Ray Walker of the Peak District Fire Brigade. ‘Such was the ardour of his unspoken passion that his breeches had spontaneously combusted several times before. Apparently this once forced him to dive into a lake in the grounds. Several young ladies who witnessed him climb out were later found reduced to ashes and damp petticoats.’

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Posted: Oct 21st, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment



Oxbridge

Scare Flu spreads from tabloids to the broadsheets

probably caught it from contact with the tabloids The lethal infection may cause mass panic on a scale not seen since a Scottish swan was supposed to have died from Bird Flu.

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Posted: Oct 20th, 2014
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Oxbridge

Tough American cop fails to find informant in strip joint

"Nothing of interest here. I guess I'll just move along."When Seargeant Roy Myers of Precinct 14 on the mean streets of East Rutherford, New Jersey, heard that Joey ‘Fingers’ Dalessandro might know something about a recent spate of gangland murders, his sources told him that he would be sure to find his man at the Little Darlings strip joint on Highway 36. His sources were wrong.

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Posted: Sep 25th, 2014
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Oxbridge

Mystery surrounds repeated absences of ‘useless fat pillock’ salesman

‘HR have established that he is 43% more likely to be away one week either side of the full moon than the new moon and this must be statistically significant,’ said Clark, author of the forthcoming ‘Secrets of the Wolf People’. ‘Whether he is in a sinister cult that pretend to be wolves to worship the Greek moon goddess Artemis at night or his migraines are caused by the fluctuating tides I have yet to establish.’

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Posted: Sep 6th, 2014
More from UK News



Oxbridge

Isle of Wight coast threatened by huge slick of charity shop tat

slime 'everywhere'It survived the French invasion of 1545 and even the influx of five Polish would-be migrant workers, who were eventually seized and burned at the stake in Freshwater in 2009. Now, however, the pristine coastline of the Isle of Wight is facing its most deadly menace ever after an estimated 500,000 barrels of utterly appalling crap from charity shops leaked from an underground bunker near Portsmouth into the Solent.

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Posted: Jul 21st, 2014
More from Environment